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Ask Adviser Mills C.C.D. Your Own Question

Adviser Mills C.C.D.
Adviser Mills C.C.D., Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 151
Experience:  15 years Plus, Preschool Owner, Teen Mentor
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I am asking this for a friend of mine. given i have a set of

Customer Question

I am asking this for a friend of mine. given i have a set of different point if view from my friend's wife.

My wife and her ex had a nanny for the last 9years, the child is 9... Today my wife walked in and our child is whining, crying on homework which the nanny has set timer on completion and given time to check for accuracy. My wife offered to sit next to our child and the nanny explained that the child is working on competing her assignment on time for upcoming test so it'd be great if she does it alone.... Previously, the nanny had asked the child to check on her work, the chid resisted, and said it was finished and then the nanny assigned extra work to fill the time gap ( at actual star test, the chid will not be allowed to turn in paper early hence the approach)... My wife thinks the nanny is ruining the homework experience for our child, and it should be fun and questioned if the nanny was sitting next to the chid while she was doing her homework ( note my wife had just said that she'd sit next to our child to help our chid compete homework.) now the question is, I don't approve of what my wife did and told the nanny that she was ruining her homework experience, I believe our nanny is capable and has been helping our child turned in homework s on time with accuracy for the last few years whie we can't be there to help with school work daily, telling this to the nanny in front of the chid is another concern I have as it send the child a message that it is ok to MANIPULATE and when the child cries, mommy comes to rescue ( similar events happened before where I feel my wife is trying to over power te nanny just because not necessary what is good for our child. What can I do to help my wife and nanny to communicate, my wife has history of bipolar and we are expecting our first child in 2 months..will ths be over soon?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Adviser Mills C.C.D. replied 1 year ago.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Hello, Can I help you with this matter..Let me review your question?

Customer : Yes you may
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I am very confused by the manner in which this was handled. Allow me to ask a few details.

Customer : Sure
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

How often does the Nanny challenge the mother's wishes?

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Or like if she wants to sit by the child, to tell her no, she couldn't, that is what I mean by wishes.

Customer : Define challenge? I don't know if she does but I am under the impression that the mother says one thing and does the other
Customer : oneother one example I know of was on ipad/tv usage...
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I see that you are asking this for someone else, I am sorry, so this is not your situation, so you may not have all the details

Customer : she told the nanny that no tv/ipad can be used before homework is completed but later said to the nanny that its ok... Because she is the child's mother and she can make that decision( after the chid cried and whined)
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I work with children of this age on a daily basis...Even with homework and after school activities.

Customer : I have a chid development degree myself.
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Great, then you know what the flip flop of the rules like the one mentioned above can do to a child.

Customer : My impression is there is a guit factor and trying to be a good parent by allowing the child more than she should ( which by demonstrating that she can over power the nanny)
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

My advice in this situation since I also hire, train and educate those that work in "nanny" like positions, that there can be NO friction between mom and this person

Customer : yea, there is no consistency,... From what I know, the nanny goes between her ex and her house....since there
Customer : sincethere since divorce 5 years ago.
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

The problem is...Mom wins, no matter what, when it comes to the Nanny, mom wins

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

not dad

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

but nanny...yes, the mom has to stay in authority in regards XX XXX child

Customer : However, this s especially bad for two parent separated/divorced
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

no matter the mental illness or history of the mother..YES, I can not imagine

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I would advise two separate Nannies, because the Nanny being used between the two will lead to even more friction

Customer : yesdivorced yes, they kept the same nanny because of the child... The nanny had been with the child since the child was born
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

See, mom, no matter her parenting style can not be managed by someone she employees to care for her child. No matter if the Nanny thinks she is wrong..As long as there is no abuse in the situation. The Nanny does not get to tell the mom no...or tell the ex actions of the wife

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

that is crossing the line

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I completely understand

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

and that was a great decision, but it seems the nanny only has issue with the mom

Customer : My observation, the nanny is not doing anything wrong but best intention for the child... The mother; however, allows the child to manipulate and be disrespectful ( that I agree with the husband)
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

yes, I understand completely and you are absolutely correct

Customer : They father of the child is hands off
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

But, the Nanny is not the parent, understand? She is crossing a dangerous boundary. Your friend is married to this "mom" and expecting a child with her..?

Customer : i remember one incident that the mother called and yelled at the nanny that the child's homework was not done and they had to pause family plan to do homework when the nanny had previously told the mother due to the child's bus schedule, it's nt advice the child to spend time in front of tv/ipad on the day homework was assigned. I think the step father is inline with what I think but again, it's the mothers decision
Customer : yesdecision yes, my friend is the step father and he is expecting his first child.
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I understand

Customer : basically, the hw incident was not the nanny s fault, the mother wants to
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

there seems to be two issues here

Customer : wanted to take over and when wasn't done, blame the nanny
Customer : i old be confused if I were the nanny
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

one the step father believes that his step child is not disciplined or parented correctly by his wife

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

and number two the wife is a bad manager

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

she seems to not manage the Nanny in a respectful way

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

after 9 years, the Nanny most likely feels more like family so feels comfortable telling the wife no or correcting her but this is not correct on her part.

Customer : That I don't know... I know my friend had talked to their nanny about sometimes the wide has a need to be in control and her history of bipolar ( the nanny is aware of that ) and to let her have her way when needed
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

The only way to correct the situation is for everyone involved..Stepdad (your friend), Nanny and the wife to get on the same page with a schedule and rules.

Customer : ifneeded if I know that child well, she is manipulating before her parents and nanny....
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Everything should be laid out in black and white..On paper

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

the Nannys responsibilities and how the mom wishes it to be handled

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

yes, she is playing them against each other

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

they need to form a team

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

a strong one

Customer : The step father does not have a say on how she raises her child... Period... That was layer out before marriage
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Also, dangerous ground

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

ok, then I would advise him to suggest a new Nanny for his child that is on the way.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

And they set the rules as a family.

Customer : I was at their house one day and witness that the child was being disrespectful to the nanny, the nanny did not allow it and the mother told the nanny to back off because the child needs her space ( the child was being discipled before the mother walked in to rescue)
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

It is not fair that he feel that he will not be able to have a say if the Nanny is expected to take care of his child also....Now, please understand..I am SURE that this Nanny has done nothing wrong. But, if he can not say anything and the mother has complete control then how can he suggest a remedy?

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

this is so damaging to the child. Does your friend have a good relationship with his step child?

Customer : He does not have a say on how to teach/disciple "her" child but I am sure it's different when the child is "theirs"
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

exactly

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

in other words, I am saying his power is on the way to remedy the situation

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

He must have great respect for the nanny it seems

Customer : they have already retained the nanny for their new born
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

and it sounds like she takes her lashes from a unscheduled, undisciplined child and controlling mother

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Then he needs to go straight to the child

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

explain, that this is wrong

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

that the Nanny is an authority figure and the child must listen to her.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

In the case of step parent, especially with children this age...Most of the time..the step does not feel the child is disciplined correctly, you most likely understand this phenomenon.

Customer : I am under the same impression that he does...a few weekends ago he came to me for advice that his wife lashed out on the nanny because the child's laundry were on formal dining room table ( the child was expected/told to put away and the parents are aware of that) ... In other words, the nanny is helping the child share chores ( she folded the laundry and the chid outs them away).... Instead of asking the child to put them away, she emilee the nanny and said when things are not done, it's the nanny who should be in charge because she is an adult... I do not agree with what she said
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

the reason this happens is because when someone says, you can not discipline a child that you live with..You feel out of control so any infraction even normal child like ones are harder to deal with because you have no way to correct the situation

Customer : The child knows to put her laundry away... And nanny did not make a mess
Customer : shouldmess should the nanny be given the authority to disciple the child? I say yes because from wja I know their nanny work 11-12 hour shift.
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Yes, that is horrible

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I feel very bad for this care giver..She has a very bad boss and is most likely very attached to the child

Customer : the husband said the wife's exact word to the nanny was: PLEASE CLEAN UP YPUR MESS, guess we'll just have our guests eating over the child"'s laundry....
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

it seems that the problem your friend has is with his wife

Customer : i personally thnk this is TOTALLY INAPPORIATE OF THE MOTHER
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

he is very alarmed by her demeanor towards others

Customer : i think he doesn't want to lose the nanny...he thinks the nanny is doing her job well
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

The Step father is correct and if the mother likes control in this manner then no matter who they bring in they will be mistreated. My concern is for the Nanny

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

It is not correct. But as we all know. Some people have bad bosses and some are horrible managers. So it is the Nanny's decision to stay and your friends responsibility to take some more control in the house

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I also believe it is very important that the Nanny not challenge her in anyway.

Customer : thatswell that's his concern too... I also feel the nanny is doing her best... She can't do what she doesn't know... And no homework rules were layer out... Now that its 3 weeks to the child's test...the mother wants to take over because she thinks the child is losing note rest in hw...btw, I am pretty sure the child has lays whine about hw, when the mother is not around, she gets them done on time with the nanny... It's when the mother is presented, she doesn't get them done on time....
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

And if he could get the Nanny to form a schedule of chores etc...then mark off when the child does not complete

Customer : Yes, that's leafy done... Nanny sends an update everyday
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

ok, yes, most children behave much worse for mom, especially those that get their way

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

what does your friend need to know....in this situation

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

?

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I also have a strong background in family therapy and dealing with blended families. This is something I understand very much

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I would like to help him, in any way that I can with some method to ease the stress

Customer : I think the child behaves well with the nanny and sees opportunity to manipulate mother into getting her out of her homework or do ipad, tv, etc
Customer : iEric think one other issue is the the child fights more with the nanny because the nanny does most disciple and more STRUCTED... No computers, etc before homework, piano reactive are done where these boundaries were not set with the mother and father .... More toward what they like at the time instead if set routine...
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

That is exactly what is happening..But this is something mothers do...Wrong or right...they do it

Customer : btw, the nanny has background in child development and was an aware winning teacher in her years of work..
Customer : i feel bad for the nanny...
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

the problem is..the Nanny no matter how great the job, is not the parent so she can not correct the parenting. She can only control the time she has, and make the most of it

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I do too

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

She might want to consider leaving..But It seems you are not close enough to her to tell her that

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

but it would be best

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

this mother should parent her child the way she wants..totally opposite from the way anyone trained would do it. But, this poor Nanny is being blamed for poor parenting skills

Customer : But I do not know how to help her, my friend said the nanny said she respects and undertands the mother's Hormone is on the rise and being in control is in her personality ....but this sends a bad message to the child to be manipulative and disrespectful...
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

It does. And there is one thing your friend has control over.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

he has to DEMAND that his wife only talk to the Nanny in private

Customer : I feel if a mother shoukd stay at home and raise her own child...
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

only in private

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

never in front of the child. And this must start now

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

he needs to demand that for his step and the one on the way. That is not a childs business. She is to respect adults no matter what and he should demand respect in every way. The wife will have to conform

Customer : yes, I told him that he should talk to the wife about discussing what her wishes are in private, not in front of the child... The child is learning to challenge the nanny
Customer : What's the nanny to do when the chid said: but my mom said its ok?
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I believe that would be best, But I understand that is not always something people are able to do...And in this case..the nanny is most likely the BEST for the child. But your friend has to demand that the adults of the home become a team..Now before the baby is born

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

She says, I do not care. This is the rule. When mom gets here she can do different.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Rules should be laid out

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

the child is nine

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Adults should meet in private...Rules be set...And The Nannys only job is to maintain those rules, help the child and not be emotionally torn down by mother.

Customer : i thought the nanny was brilliant: she told the child, your parents and I have different view and ways of dealing with situations arises... So when I am in charge, you do not challenge my decisions.
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Mommy rules and Nanny rules...Its just horrible. But I have seen this MANY times before

Customer : Exactly, I feel bad for the nanny wholeheartly..
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

exactly

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

The nanny needs to lay out acceptable consequences with the mom and step dad...for disrespect.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

he may not be "allowed" to parent but he can call a meeting

Customer : i advised my friend that let the nanny deal with conflicts with the child and don't interfere or rescue the child...
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

and he is VERY allowed,,,,,that is his child. And this child needs a dad...And some stern parenting

Customer : Just like the nanny does not interfere the child's conflict with the mother
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

exactly...there ned to be boundaries

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

needs to be, sorry

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

very laid out boundaries

Customer : whenmother when the child is always been rescued from the conflicts with the nanny... It creates gaps between the nanny and the child..
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Please advise him to call a meeting and become the "man" of the house by laying down very firm rules

Customer : which I think might be the mother's intention?
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

yes, and I would also suggest when mom gets home, the Nanny clocks out

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

it is

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

she is threatened by another woman taking care of her child

Customer : Why not quit her job?
Customer : i know she just hired a night time nanny for her new born plus retaining current nanny for day care
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

So, is your friend the one with the money or the mom

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

?

Customer : itscare it's not financial issue, my friend makes enough to live in luxury
Customer : they both make 300k plus, the husband a bit more
Customer : house and cars all paid for.
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I see. So it is time to call a meeting. He says that the Nanny will not be treated this way any longer. Or they will not have one. that these are the boundaries and they are not to be crossed. When mom gets home..NO MORE NANNY so that they do not have to parent together and simply tell the child that the nanny is the boss. And all adult conversations are to be handled away from the child.

Customer : my friend makes more being a vc... Wife is marketing director so it's not money factor.
Customer : will relate this to him... Personally I think being a family m,eans to make choices and decisions together... When the step aren't cant have says on disciple... You are excluding the step parent as family..
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

She feels guilty for the time she spends away from her child so she parents this way. it will not be corrected in anyway and your friend has a long road ahead unless he starts getting some control of this now..

Customer : the child learns to manipulate further
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

You can not exclude a step it is the most horrible thing to do to the person and the child

Customer : itfurther it will be fun to see when their child is here
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

it is selfish and wrong

Customer : it is...
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

and I tell parents that to their face, it is damaging to the family unit and not conducive to anything healthy

Customer : from wha I know the mother sets up play dates on the weekends when the child is with her so the chid goes on 3-6 he plays yes awy from home or with another friend at home twice a weekend
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I wish your friend well...I know it is hard to deal with a personality like this...very hard.

Customer : i don't know when they spend time together and certainly play dates is not my first choice on weekends, weekends are family time...
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Her guilt will make her a lax parent.......so he needs to start the work now for his own child's sake and this babies sake..the step..because 9 is a baby

Customer : I hope their marriage and family life goes well.... Honestly, I think once their child is here, they will have more conflicts..
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

They most likely do not spend time together. This form of parenting is very normal to some people. And everything that you are saying falls right in line with this form of handling your children.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I can not even begin to list the issues they will have trying to co parent..If she thinks so low of him that she does not trust him to help raise a child in their home with her. I am sorry for your friend and the nanny

Customer : the nanny was named by the mother for her first divorce because her ex husband mentioned that they can't have second child while the nanny has raised the first one unless the wide s willing to tke a step back in her career to raise the second child...
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I hope this gets resolved...Catch me up sometime on the progress

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

and she isn't

Customer : will do... Just texted him
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Ok great, Well let me know if you have anymore questions and you can always ask for me by name in a new thread. blended families are a tricky road. Especially when someone is cut off from any control..I hope he gains some through these methods. He is lucky to have friends like you. You take care.

Customer : shewas not willing to take a step back from her career nor was happy to stay home with the child, she wanted a nanny so she can do what she likes while her ex works fulltime
Customer : that's the story from her ex ( the 3 of thm used to work together and I used to be the neighbor of the parents )
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

yes, this is a parenting style. Not that we agree with it..As people that have studied child development, we know the dangers involved..But it is a style all the same.

Customer : Sure! Hopefully everything goes well
Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

It will, if he steps in and grabs that control right now. As the father and step father..he must. Have a great night!

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