Hello, Can I help you with this matter..Let me review your question?
I am very confused by the manner in which this was handled. Allow me to ask a few details.
How often does the Nanny challenge the mother's wishes?
Or like if she wants to sit by the child, to tell her no, she couldn't, that is what I mean by wishes.
I see that you are asking this for someone else, I am sorry, so this is not your situation, so you may not have all the details
I work with children of this age on a daily basis...Even with homework and after school activities.
Great, then you know what the flip flop of the rules like the one mentioned above can do to a child.
My advice in this situation since I also hire, train and educate those that work in "nanny" like positions, that there can be NO friction between mom and this person
The problem is...Mom wins, no matter what, when it comes to the Nanny, mom wins
but nanny...yes, the mom has to stay in authority in regards to her child
no matter the mental illness or history of the mother..YES, I can not imagine
I would advise two separate Nannies, because the Nanny being used between the two will lead to even more friction
See, mom, no matter her parenting style can not be managed by someone she employees to care for her child. No matter if the Nanny thinks she is wrong..As long as there is no abuse in the situation. The Nanny does not get to tell the mom no...or tell the ex actions of the wife
that is crossing the line
I completely understand
and that was a great decision, but it seems the nanny only has issue with the mom
yes, I understand completely and you are absolutely correct
But, the Nanny is not the parent, understand? She is crossing a dangerous boundary. Your friend is married to this "mom" and expecting a child with her..?
there seems to be two issues here
one the step father believes that his step child is not disciplined or parented correctly by his wife
and number two the wife is a bad manager
she seems to not manage the Nanny in a respectful way
after 9 years, the Nanny most likely feels more like family so feels comfortable telling the wife no or correcting her but this is not correct on her part.
The only way to correct the situation is for everyone involved..Stepdad (your friend), Nanny and the wife to get on the same page with a schedule and rules.
Everything should be laid out in black and white..On paper
the Nannys responsibilities and how the mom wishes it to be handled
yes, she is playing them against each other
they need to form a team
a strong one
Also, dangerous ground
ok, then I would advise him to suggest a new Nanny for his child that is on the way.
And they set the rules as a family.
It is not fair that he feel that he will not be able to have a say if the Nanny is expected to take care of his child also....Now, please understand..I am SURE that this Nanny has done nothing wrong. But, if he can not say anything and the mother has complete control then how can he suggest a remedy?
this is so damaging to the child. Does your friend have a good relationship with his step child?
in other words, I am saying his power is on the way to remedy the situation
He must have great respect for the nanny it seems
and it sounds like she takes her lashes from a unscheduled, undisciplined child and controlling mother
Then he needs to go straight to the child
explain, that this is wrong
that the Nanny is an authority figure and the child must listen to her.
In the case of step parent, especially with children this age...Most of the time..the step does not feel the child is disciplined correctly, you most likely understand this phenomenon.
the reason this happens is because when someone says, you can not discipline a child that you live with..You feel out of control so any infraction even normal child like ones are harder to deal with because you have no way to correct the situation
Yes, that is horrible
I feel very bad for this care giver..She has a very bad boss and is most likely very attached to the child
it seems that the problem your friend has is with his wife
he is very alarmed by her demeanor towards others
The Step father is correct and if the mother likes control in this manner then no matter who they bring in they will be mistreated. My concern is for the Nanny
It is not correct. But as we all know. Some people have bad bosses and some are horrible managers. So it is the Nanny's decision to stay and your friends responsibility to take some more control in the house
I also believe it is very important that the Nanny not challenge her in anyway.
And if he could get the Nanny to form a schedule of chores etc...then mark off when the child does not complete
ok, yes, most children behave much worse for mom, especially those that get their way
what does your friend need to know....in this situation
I also have a strong background in family therapy and dealing with blended families. This is something I understand very much
I would like to help him, in any way that I can with some method to ease the stress
That is exactly what is happening..But this is something mothers do...Wrong or right...they do it
the problem is..the Nanny no matter how great the job, is not the parent so she can not correct the parenting. She can only control the time she has, and make the most of it
I do too
She might want to consider leaving..But It seems you are not close enough to her to tell her that
but it would be best
this mother should parent her child the way she wants..totally opposite from the way anyone trained would do it. But, this poor Nanny is being blamed for poor parenting skills
It does. And there is one thing your friend has control over.
he has to DEMAND that his wife only talk to the Nanny in private
only in private
never in front of the child. And this must start now
he needs to demand that for his step and the one on the way. That is not a childs business. She is to respect adults no matter what and he should demand respect in every way. The wife will have to conform
I believe that would be best, But I understand that is not always something people are able to do...And in this case..the nanny is most likely the BEST for the child. But your friend has to demand that the adults of the home become a team..Now before the baby is born
She says, I do not care. This is the rule. When mom gets here she can do different.
Rules should be laid out
the child is nine
Adults should meet in private...Rules be set...And The Nannys only job is to maintain those rules, help the child and not be emotionally torn down by mother.
Mommy rules and Nanny rules...Its just horrible. But I have seen this MANY times before
The nanny needs to lay out acceptable consequences with the mom and step dad...for disrespect.
he may not be "allowed" to parent but he can call a meeting
and he is VERY allowed,,,,,that is his child. And this child needs a dad...And some stern parenting
exactly...there ned to be boundaries
needs to be, sorry
very laid out boundaries
Please advise him to call a meeting and become the "man" of the house by laying down very firm rules
yes, and I would also suggest when mom gets home, the Nanny clocks out
she is threatened by another woman taking care of her child
So, is your friend the one with the money or the mom
I see. So it is time to call a meeting. He says that the Nanny will not be treated this way any longer. Or they will not have one. that these are the boundaries and they are not to be crossed. When mom gets home..NO MORE NANNY so that they do not have to parent together and simply tell the child that the nanny is the boss. And all adult conversations are to be handled away from the child.
She feels guilty for the time she spends away from her child so she parents this way. it will not be corrected in anyway and your friend has a long road ahead unless he starts getting some control of this now..
You can not exclude a step it is the most horrible thing to do to the person and the child
it is selfish and wrong
and I tell parents that to their face, it is damaging to the family unit and not conducive to anything healthy
I wish your friend well...I know it is hard to deal with a personality like this...very hard.
Her guilt will make her a lax parent.......so he needs to start the work now for his own child's sake and this babies sake..the step..because 9 is a baby
They most likely do not spend time together. This form of parenting is very normal to some people. And everything that you are saying falls right in line with this form of handling your children.
I can not even begin to list the issues they will have trying to co parent..If she thinks so low of him that she does not trust him to help raise a child in their home with her. I am sorry for your friend and the nanny
I hope this gets resolved...Catch me up sometime on the progress
and she isn't
Ok great, Well let me know if you have anymore questions and you can always ask for me by name in a new thread. blended families are a tricky road. Especially when someone is cut off from any control..I hope he gains some through these methods. He is lucky to have friends like you. You take care.
yes, this is a parenting style. Not that we agree with it..As people that have studied child development, we know the dangers involved..But it is a style all the same.
It will, if he steps in and grabs that control right now. As the father and step father..he must. Have a great night!