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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
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Last night my wife and I were engaged in an argument, while

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Last night my wife and I were engaged in an argument, while our 9 year old was present, she left her dessert behind and went to her room because " I don't want to listen to anymore fighting" she said. While my wife was yelling, our daughter called down "stop yelling at him, he didn't do anything wrong." My wife answerewd by saying " of course, it's never his fault", to which my daughter responded, "it's not anyones fault, but you are yelling at him for nothing." After I walked away, my wife went to our doughters room, and told her" I'm never going to defend you again" she admitted this to me, and feels totally justified. We are already aware that our doughter has anxiety issues, and I feel her comment was extremely inappropriate. I tried to assure my daughter that mommy was just upset, and didn't mean it, but DD was so upset that she cried herself to sleep. How can i console her?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I am sorry that this happened and I agree with you that your wife's comment was uncalled for. Children should never be put in the middle of an argument or expected to protect a parent. It is our job as parents to protect our children and be there for them not visa versa.

Your daughter will be hurt due to this and there is no quick fix, but there are things you can do to help her along the way. The first step would be is to stop the fighting in front of her. You can not control your wife, but you can let her know that you do not want to argue in front of your daughter and do not continue the argument. Even walk away if you need to and let her know you both can discuss the issue later in private. You tried to assure your daughter that mommy was upset which was a good move on your part. I would have a talk with your wife to see if she herself can apologize to her as well. There is that risk that your wife will become upset with you for bringing this up, but I would try explaining to her why it was so hurtful to your daughter and has nothing to do with the both of your issues. Ask her to look at it from your daughter's view and explain how hurt she is by it. By getting your wife to look at the situation differently and assure your daughter as well can help greatly.

Just be there for your daughter in general. You already assured her that mom didn't mean it, so I wouldn't keep bringing that situation up anymore on your part. That will just keep reminding her of it. Rather spend some quality time with her, show her she is loved through your actions, and remember no arguing or discussing problems in front of her.

In time she will be able to get past this especially if the fighting does not continue. Hopefully her mom will follow your lead in order for you both to be on the same page, but regardless the best you can do is your part as well as positively encouraging her mom to follow your lead.

I wish you all well and please let me know if I can be of further help.
Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience: I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
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I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.