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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1140
Experience:  I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
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Hi, Im wondering if you can help me? My son asked me for

Customer Question

Hi, I'm wondering if you can help me?
My son asked me for a loan recently. He said he was having financial difficulties and was in danger of losing his business and his home. The thought that my grandson would be without a roof over his head was unbearable so I loaned my son $160,000. He said he would have a loan agreement drawn up which his wife and he would sign. She won't sign and neither will he. Even worse, he has bought a Porsche and won't talk to me anymore.
I never thought this could ever happen to me as we have always been very close.
Can you help me repair my relationship with him?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I am so sorry that this happened. That is terrible. I understand that you want to repair the relationship, but he needs to be willing to do that in order for any progress to occur. What he did was horrible and tricking you into giving him the money. That is pretty much equal to stealing. I would seriously consider taking him to court even though you do not have a written agreement courts have ways of finding the truth by what makes sense. You must have proof of the check and etc as well. You trusted him and he betrayed your trust. The way to repair this relationship may be the opposite of what you wanted to hear. He needs to see that you are going to take action on what he did and will not be there for him whenever he wants. I would focus on taking care of yourself and doing your own thing. Let him see you being active in your own way and not worrying about him. He seems to manipulate and play on your emotions and now it is your turn not play on his emotions, but to actually be true about it. If he sees you taking care of yourself and no longer worrying about him this can spark concern to him and he may learn to appreciate you and not take you forgranted. The fact that he knows you are always there for him and willing to lend a helping hand causes him to treat you this way. He needs to see that you demand respect and that you do not allow him to play on your emotions. Talking to him and explaining or pleading for a relationship at this point does not seem like the way to go. After what he did he shows he has no respect for you. The way to go is by what I have explained showing him you will not tolerate this behavior nor be manipulated. When he sees you standing up for yourself and not allowing this he then may start to want a relationship with you out of fear of loosing you forever. It would be a shock to him since he has never seen you so strong.

I hope everything works and please let me know if I can be of further help.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX makes very good sense, but as a mother I can't tell you how this has devastated me! You are right, I see that, but this distancing of my son and daughter in law means my access to my grandson is limited by the whims of his parents which have been very cruel. Especially since I have recently retired and had hoped that I would be able to spend more time with my grandson! Sadly, my son recently stated to me, that I'm lucky he's letting me see my grandson at all.
There are times when I get so depressed and sink into such despair. That is why I was willing to do anything to try to get back to where we were before. We were such a united family.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
I understand how heartbreaking it really is and I wish there was some type of law allowing children to see their grandparents despite the issues involved with the parents. I could imagine how devasted you are and how you want things to go back to how they were. I don't know what caused things to change, but I do know that sometimes people change and we can not do anything about that, but continue to do our part and be the same person that we are. However, when it crosses the line and we are being taken advantage of that is when it needs to stop. I would try asking if you can see your grandchildren despite what happened or even take them out yourself, but I would not allow to be taken advantage of in order to have a relationship with your grandchildren because in the future they will not respect you and you will them ruin any chance of having a relationship with them later.

If you feel you have done wrong in the past I would sit down and apologize, but remember no mom is perfect that is for sure, sobibwould not go about apologizing for little things or thongs you were supposed to do as a mom. But I would sit with him alone if you could and look into his eyes asking him why he did what he did. Again do not plead for a relationship with him since that will put him inn control. Rather ask him questions about his love for you, why he did what he did, and what he sees in the future for you both. Remind him of the good time and how united you both were. Getting him to answer these questions can help you understand where is mind is at and also maybe wake him up a little to see exactly how he changed and what he is doing to you. Sometimes people need to stop and think a little to kind of snap out of it.

I would try this type of conversation as well as asking about your grandchildren. Be strong and do not allow him to take advantage of you. This does not mean you need to be angry or have an attitude. It just means you will show strength and respect for yourself. A calm individual, nice, and sweet, but who no longer allows to be manipulated, fooled, or being taken advantage of.
Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1140
Experience: I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
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Jen Helant
Jen Helant
Parenting Counselor
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I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.