How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1146
Experience:  I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
13551071
Type Your Parenting Question Here...
Jen Helant is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My son is 22, he is unemployed, lft chool with good exam results,

Resolved Question:

My son is 22, he is unemployed, lft chool with good exam results, but dropped out of ixth form, and a second outdoor leadership course a year later. Had a science apprenticeship, but dropped that too after five months. Intelligent, he gets bored easily, and is slightly built so struggles at manual labour. Has had lots of casual part time work but eventually leaves. Had a job in a computer store that he loved but they laid a lot of peopleboff. He doesnt listen to our advice anymore, he is depressed, we live in a rural area with little employment. Just dont know what to do next. Feel its my job to fix this, making me depressed too.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

jenhelant :

Hi, I am sorry what you and your son are going through. It sounds to me that you are doing your part. As a Mom it is natural to want to help are children and feel responsible. However, he is a grown man now, so even though you can help him it is not your responsibility. It will make you upset because you love your son and want the best for him, but he needs to want to change and do something. Most of the times I see individuals in this situation is because they are comfortable and may not need to work. They do not see the necessity of it and therefore are not doing anything with their lives, so in turn they become depressed and bored. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our children are make them less comfortable. This means not supporting him or letting know that in order to stay at home he needs to hold a job and be productive. This will teach him responsibility, build his confidence, and help his feelings of hopelessness. Things will not change overnight and he may resent it at first, but in time is when he should change little by little and start to appreciate. I understand this is not easy to do, but it is the way to get him out of his comfort zone, which brings all the negativity that he is currently feeling. I would continue to be there for him emotionally to support him, but if he does not want advice then I would lay low on that and that will force him also to make decisions, which he is asking for anyway. Lastly, seeing a counselor would not be a bad idea if he is willing. I wish you both well and please let me know if I can be of further help.

Customer: I know that I need to withdraw my support as you are right, I need to make him stand on his own twomfeet, but how do I do that? I cannot bring myself to throw him out.
jenhelant :

I understand its difficult to throw him out, but you really don't need to start with that

jenhelant :

I would let him know he can stay, but if he wants to stay he needs to be doing something with his life

jenhelant :

He needs to get a job, go to school, or both, but not just depend on you without trying to get ahead

jenhelant :

If he refuses then throwing him out may be your last option for him to be able to do something, but I wouldn't start with that. I understand that taking

jenhelant :

these steps are difficult, but just think of the future and

jenhelant :

when you are no longer here. How do you want to leave him?

jenhelant :

Sometimes by asking yourself this question you will not feel so bad about making some difficult decisions now because even though it will be hard for the both of you now. For his future you will be helping and causing a tremendous change for his life for when you are no longer here to help him

Customer: He needs to want to do thses things for himself, and we have discussed this, but he always says he doesnt know what he wants to do with his life, its been seven years, and he is still saying this to me. He is getting up at midday, staying out late, and seems to live on pennies
jenhelant :

He is making excuses. This is what I am saying he is doing this because he can. If he did not have you then he would be deciding real quick what he needs to do and going on to do it. He would not be sleeping late and etc. There is no rush for him to choose he is just comfortable with his situation and I see this a lot. All for the same reason. If he does not know what he wants to do nothing will change unless he is actively out there trying different things and looking into things. Doing research. Staying out and sleeping late are not actions that are showing he is trying for change to occur. This behavior will allow the situation to remain stagnant.

Customer: I agree with you, believe me I recognise this, my problem is how,? Sounds like I have to kick him out to make this happen, as i am saying and doing all the right things, but he is still in the same place. It's so hard to do! I have so much, it's about being able to sleep nights. What you are saying is this is really about me.
jenhelant :

I am saying that you do have the power to change things. It may be best to tell him how much you love him, but you want the best for his future and by allowing this to continue you are hurting his future even though you feel you are doing good. This happens all the time with parents and myself as well. We all fall into the pit of feeling bad to do what is right, but not feeling bad to do what is wrong. This is because the good seems like we are hurting or punishing them meanwhile the bad seems as if we are doing good for them. This happens at any age. What we need to do is look at things long term. How would you allowing him to stay cause him to end up in the future and has there been any change. Then ask yourself how could forcing responsibility on him help him in the long run and in his future. Before kicking him out I would let him know the consequences if you do not see him doing something with his life. Let him know how much you care, but what he is doing is not healthy and you can not see this and do nothing. Explain how you are there to help him and he can stay, but he needs to be working on his future and if he is not then he would have to work on his future at this own place. Think about it if he is going to need to work and do what he needs to do anyway on his own and have a tougher time then why wouldn't he do it while staying with you. If he chooses not to it is because he doesn't believe it or he is being stubborn and not appreciating your help, so either way you should feel confident that you are doing the right thing to help him. But like I said I would not kick him out as the first step, but I would warn him that changes need now to occur.

Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1146
Experience: I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
Jen Helant and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Family Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    108
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Family Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    108
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/jhollo77/2010-2-6_651_Avatar.jpg Jennifer's Avatar

    Jennifer

    School Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    77
    Collaborative parent consultation on everything from modifying behavior to child development.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/VO/vodkas25/2012-1-29_16528_P1010831.64x64.JPG professional_Alison's Avatar

    professional_Alison

    Child Care

    Satisfied Customers:

    77
    Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    40
    Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg NormanM's Avatar

    NormanM

    Author, lecturer and psychotherapist.

    Satisfied Customers:

    19
    ADHP(NC), DHP, ECP, UKCP Registered
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KA/KaterB1270/2012-5-2_17226_016.64x64.jpg KaterB1270's Avatar

    KaterB1270

    Teacher

    Satisfied Customers:

    18
    BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KA/Kansastherapist/2012-6-13_171911_4upon20120220at14.64x64.jpg KansasTherapist's Avatar

    KansasTherapist

    LSCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    17
    17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
 
 
 

Related Parenting Questions

Chat Now With A Parenting Counselor
Jen Helant
Jen Helant
73 Satisfied Customers
I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.