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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My daughter is away at college as a 1st year freshman. There

Customer Question

My daughter is away at college as a 1st year freshman. There are 2 campuses in the state, one 5 hours away and one in the city where we live (45 min from our suburban home). She originally toured the close to home campus as a junior in HS then the campus 5 hours from home as a senior. She is currently attending the campus 5 hours from home. She told me a few weeks ago that she is not comfortable at this campus (much larger then the campus close to home) as it is spread out and in a fairly poverty ridden historic city. She asked to come home for a weekend to explore the smaller metropolitian campus closer to home. She liked it very much and has asked to transfer next fall. She wants to continue to live on campus vs. living at home. I am conflicted as she is an introverted person and she will go into an "apartment" style housing next Fall. I am considering her transfering after Spring Break for her last quarter so that she can go into "dorm style" housing with other freshman at the new campus with the thought that she may have an easier transition vs. waiting to transfer her sophomore year into apt housing. She has been very adult about the entire process and has taken the right steps to explore her options. I am conflicted because I am not sure if it is better to make her stay and finish out her entire year at the campus she is unhappy with (the transfer will not affect her curriculum) the hopes that she may grow to like the campus and to finish what she committed herself to OR let her transfer and get to know some people to make an easier transition (she is not good with change). Help!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

jenhelant :

HI, I understand your concerns and why you would consider having her finish what he started already. I think if she in general finishes what he starts and is a responsible person normally finishing her obligations then I think it would be fine to allow her to come back sooner, so she can go into dorm style living first. Sometimes it is fine to change our mind the problem is if it happens on consistent basis and one never follows through or is looking for an excuse. If it could be dangerous and she is not happy also will not affect her grades I would say allow her to move back in the fall and get into the dorm style living. This way the change will be easier for her and she will get to know people before he starts the apartment style living. Hope that helped! I wish you both the best.

Customer:

She was not a good responsbile HS student.. lazy. Socially, she never got into trouble. She has a 3.3 grade average now in college.. which is a far cry from the 2.50 she had in HS. She truly likes the what she is learning, but has failed to make a good circle of friends and doesn't like the environment of the city she is living in now. Overall, she is on the lazy, unmotivated side in general but is proving otherwise in college. Following through has never been a strong suit and she eventually gets things done waiting ultimately for the last possible minute. Hoping this changes as she matures and I am already seeing those changes. She has not asked about transfering last quarter, so this is my idea as i think it might benefit her.

Customer:

Why am I not hearing back from anyone?

jenhelant :

Hi

jenhelant :

Sorry I was away before I will read your response now

jenhelant :

I understand

jenhelant :

In this case it would make sense for her to stay in order to learn responsibility. However, the positive side here is that it was your idea for her to leave earlier. In this case I would present this option to her and maybe let her decide. Based on her history it may not be a good idea if she was giving the option, but since you are offering that is fine since sometimes in life we can change things in certain situations.

Customer:

Do you specialize in dealing with teens and young adults?

Customer:

Hello? Are you there?

Customer:

I would like to Opt to put my questions out to other experts that deal with teens and young adults please

jenhelant :

I understand. I do not specialize in this area, so I will opt out in order for another expert to help you. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to help and I wish you both the best.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help. I am a licensed psychotherapist in private practice, father of three who all went through college and beyond, and a college teacher myself, often advising students on similar matters.

It seems that your daughter has given this great thought, wants to live in a more human scale environment, closer to her family, and a will not not suffer consequences from the school for her changeover.

If she gets your full support she will prosper the best.

Her decision making process seems sound, and mature, and because she is moving into adulthood and has shown good sense, I believe that you and she will do best if you allow and facilitate her to make her decision as she sees fit for her best interest.

It is the right choice, in my estimation.

If you would like to discuss this further, I am at your service.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Okay, so you think I should give her the option of transfering last quarter or stick it out where she is until Fall? You don't see making her follow through with her decision of choosing this campus through the rest of the school term is beneficial based on the information I have supplied you with and that I should let her have the choice? I want to make sure I fully understand your answer. It is hard to know these days what to do has hovering is not a good thing and they need to grow and not sure about the "tough love" part.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Yes, I do think that she should be allowed to make the decision. You said that she was an introverted person which indicates that she might have low self-esteem. In that regard, letting her make the decision will give her a boost and also transfer all responsibility to her. If you force her hand and she doesn't do well, then she does not have to feel or claim responsibility.

She is an adult now and for all time into the future. Let he make the change and be responsible for the outcome. You don't have to tell her that as an ultimatum. If you tell her that you trust her to make the best decision then she will follow through and do her best. Give her the choice and I believe you will be happy with the results.

Warm regards,

Elliott.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you and may God bless you family.

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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
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35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.