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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience:  I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
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How can I get my wife to leave our children, so we can spend

Resolved Question:

How can I get my wife to leave our children, so we can spend quality time together? We have two boys, 5 and 11 months. We have not went on a date since before our first boy was born. She sleeps with the baby in our bed (she breast feeds, so she says its easier that way),and I sleep with the 5 year old in his bed, or I sleep on the couch (which sucks!). This is/has ruined our marriage. There has been no intimacy since before the baby was born. And, when it was just the 5 year old there were maybe 5 times since he was born. This is leading me to want divorce.
She also will not go out and do something for herself. I encourage her all the time to take time for herself and she looks at me like I am crazy.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I am so sorry this is happening to you. This happens to a lot of women because they feel their children come first, but they confuse this with neglecting themselves and their partner. In order for change to occur she needs to want to change and take the steps in that direction.

First off there is no reason why you should be kicked out of your bed. This is not healthy for any of you. Getting back into your bed should be your first step to show her that you will not be taken advantage of and you deserve to sleep in your bed. Try talking with her without judging, pointing fingers, or blaming rather try discussing with her what changes you would like to see happen. Ask her things as if she is happy with the way things are and see if there are any changes she would like to see happen. By understanding what she thinks can help you both be on the same page to start the healing process.

It is important for you both to do little things to get that "spark" back into your relationship. Sometimes the reasoning and talking needs to be put on hold and action needs to be taken. You can try showing her affection and see how she responds. After children women sometimes do not feel attractive, so complementing her would be good as well as little caresses as passing by, a massage, or even helping out with the children to help take some of the load off of her, so she can take some time to do something for herself. When women have confidence they tend to relay that into being more positive in their relationship.

You can also surprise her with a bubble bath with candles and even a romantic dinner made by you with candles when the kids are asleep followed by a movie together. It is so easy for people to get wrapped up with daily activities when the children are born that we can tend to neglect our partners, so by doing this you can ensure you are doing your part.

Maybe you can try another counselor as well for the couples counseling. Sometimes it may be as simples as finding the right fit for you as well as giving it time.

Please let me know if I can be of further help and I wish you the very best.

Jennifer
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for the quick advice.


 


I help out with the children more than most dads. I pick my 5 year old up from school and take him to all of his extra curricular activities. I also feed and bath them as needed. I take our five year for the whole day often(when I am not working, weekends). The only time she leaves the baby is when I am home, so she can run a quick errand, Never more than 2 hours. She will only leave the baby with me.


When the baby goes to bed, she goes w/ the baby. So, there is no alone time after the children are asleep.


When I show affection she looks at me like I am crazy and tells me that she wants nothing to do with that.


I am at the point where I am either going to cheat on her, or leave her. I don't want to do either one. I want to make this work, but I feel I have done everything I can.


We have tried 2 counselors and both times she quit when the counselors started telling her the changes she needed to make. As soon as she starts hearing things she does not like she is done and shuts down. This is also the case when we talk about things. Usually when I want to discuss something she tells me right now is not a good time. That she has to many things going on to focus on what I want to discuss.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for explaining. Yes, I agree with you. This is very difficult. Most of the time people stop counseling is due the same reason you mentioned. Either they don't want to hear it or it is too painful and stop. It is when one sticks with it true change can occur. However, for someone to change they need to admit their faults and be willing to change and have that openess. Without this there is no hope. It does seem like you have done your part and if she is unwilling there is very little you can do. It sounds like you have done your part. I know you do not want to leave, but there may not be an option other than living the same. There is always a chance if she sees you are serious about leaving she will "wake up" and see what she is losing then maybe try and change. The best thing to think about what is best for yourself and children. Relationships do take work, but the two need to be commited in doing the work and making it how they like it to be. If one is not on boat then it can not work. You may need to look into yourself to make the best decision for you. Maybe if you let her know you are thinking of leaving it can help. You really have nothing to lose. And by the way you sound like a great Dad that you do your part with the children.

I wish you well in your decision and take gentle care.

Jennifer
Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience: I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
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Jen Helant
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I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.