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Ask earthsister Your Own Question

earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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My partner of one year is having trouble with my two daughters.

Customer Question

My partner of one year is having trouble with my two daughters. They are not biologically his, however they call him Daddy and love him so. He is wonderful with them, but I feel they are a barrier to him and it is preventing our relationship from developing further. He will not move in, despite staying here some nights. He will not commit to us, and always talks about not being ready for children.

I am confused as to why he is in a relationship with me if he is not ready for children, because they are a huge part of his life already.

How can I break down the barrier he has with them? He has been given the opportunity to adopt them, but he has said no because he is not ready for kids.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  earthsister replied 4 years ago.

earthsister :

Hello, I would like to help with your question today.

earthsister :

Is the father of your daughters' still in their lives? This may be preventing him from forming a bond with them.

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

No, they do not see their father. They love my partner like he is their father, however he doesn't feel the same - despite playing with them well, he has not accepted them

earthsister :

But in other words, their father is alive, this could still be a barrier in his mind.

earthsister :

Outside of the reasons why he may not be ready for children, the reality is that he has said that he is not, and honestly, there isn't anything you can do to make him ready, he would have to determine that he is on his own.

earthsister :

It is your choice to make on whether or not you are willing to wait for him to be ready, if he will ever be ready.

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

When people normally enter a relationship with children, do they already make the decision to have children - knowing children in this relationship will ultimately be involved?

earthsister :

When you say "do they already make the decision to have children", can you clarify what you mean?

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

Erm...I can try!

earthsister :

thanks

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

I mean.... in the term having children, this must been being parent to a child be it yours biologically or someone elses

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

He obviously is not 'having children' physically by being in a relationship with me, but he is certainly parenting them and they clearly want him as their Daddy

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

If he doesn't want children now, I do not understand what he is currently doing?

earthsister :

Ok, So are you asking if normally, a person who doesn't have any children who enters a relationship with someone who does; does that person think about the fact that children are a big part of that relationship?

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

He has been given the opportunity to adopt the children, as their biological father has agreed to drop his parental responsibility. He said no, because hes not ready for children - however nothing will change, other than his name on the birth certificate

earthsister :

And the legal responsibility

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

He has said previously he would want to have parental responsibility, but didnt realise that would mean adoption

earthsister :

So he knew you had children in the beginning of the relationship?

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

so he wanted the legal responsibility without being named father?

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

yes he did

earthsister :

He said he wants legal responsibility? In what way?

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

to be able to make decisions on my behalf, like hospital treatment, school etc

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

he is very much the father, however he can't seem to accept that fact

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

I thought adoption would help him with his barriers, hes already made the promise to be there for the children no matter what happens - however hes not ready for children at the moment, which I do not understand

earthsister :

adoption as in you taking on another child with him?

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

no, him adopting my children

earthsister :

what did he say about you having children when you two first met.

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

he asked to be an additional parental responsbility ontop of me and the childrens biological father, however he has agreed hes not best to be parent at all due to a medical condition and given the right for my partner to adopt them - giving him same rights as PR but with the addition of being officially father

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

He accepted them straight away, he had no issues with them - they loved him, and he fitted right in

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

he asked me to move 500 miles to live closer to him, which i did

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

promised he would move in soon after, and he hasn't

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

so we live around the corner from him and he visits us a lot - but he have not progressed further than that

earthsister :

What I am getting from this conversation is that he wants to be with you, doesn't want to let them go, and wants to be able to help you take care of them, but that he does not want the legal responsibility of being the father; very possible because he is not their biological children (of which he may not be ready to have any of anyway), and also, their father is still alive.

earthsister :

and sorry, I meant because they are not his biological children

earthsister :

so in other words, he doesn't want to let you or them down; especially with them calling him Daddy; but he doesn't want the legal responsibility to fall on him

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

yes, I agree

earthsister :

The only choice that you really have control over is your own

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

well I am concerned about the children becoming attached to someone who is not wanting to be commited to them

JACUSTOMER-zgc2jur2- :

which unfortunately they already are

earthsister :

and that's what you need to let him know. They already call him Daddy, so it may be too late to reverse that, but you have a choice to make, he already made his; he's not ready. Are you willing to wait for him to be ready, or possibly not?

earthsister :

and ultimately, that's who you have to consider in your decision, your girls.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi there, sorry my internet faulted when we spoke last.

Thanks for your replies :-)

Expert:  earthsister replied 4 years ago.
Please let me know if you need any further assistance; My goal is to provide excellent service. If you need further input, please message for me before you apply a rating. I will be more than happy to help. Thanks.

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