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Adviser Mills C.C.D.
Adviser Mills C.C.D., Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 151
Experience:  15 years Plus, Preschool Owner, Teen Mentor
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Hello, my name isXXXXXm a 35 year old single mom, and I

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Hello, my name isXXXXX a 35 year old single mom, and I have a 14 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. My husband left us Nov 1st 2012. He is not my kids biological father, but we were married for 9 years. He and my son never got along. I have been having problems with my son since he was 13. When he was 14, he was charged with possession of marijuana & drug paraphenelia & put on probation for 5 months. He stopped smoking marijuana, but he got caught selling it to another kid. He had a felony distribution charge against him, & was looking at up to 5 years. Instead of jail time, they gave him drug court. He's been in it for 8 months now, & it has been the most stressful thing I have ever been through. It sucks the life out of me. He does not appreciate anything I do for him. And I move mountains for him. I think it's due to the guilt I have of him not having a father, and he always talks about how he wishes he had a dad, and it breaks my heart. I am 1,600 miles away from my family and friends. I have absolutely no help at all. I'm trying to finish my RN, work, go through this horrible drug court program with him, go through a divorce, and raise 2 teenagers by myself. I'm so overwhelmed it's indescribable. My daughter has mood disorders NOS and ADHD,and she is very hard to deal with, but in completely different ways. She is 100% against drugs, alcohol, smoking, or breaking the law, and I thank God for that every day.
My son lost his iPhone, so now when he's not with his girlfriend, I have to pry my phone from him just to make a phone call. He started dating this girl 2 months ago, and I do not like her at all. She is 17 years old, and she has already hurt him several times. He says he is IN LOVE with her. It turns my stomach. He acts like she is the air he breaths. Last night she was at my house, & I asked my daughter to go tell my son I wanted my phone back. My daughter knocked on his door & went in his room and told him I wanted my phone back. She accidentally knocked over a coke he had on his floor & she told him she was sorry and she would clean it up but he shouldn't have had it on the floor. He started yelling and cussing at her, so she told him to clean it up himself . I was sitting on my patio trying to relax and read a book. I had a small glass of merlot in my hand. My daughter ran outside to me because my son was going after her with his fists balled. So I jumped up and put my hand on his chest and told him to stop, he wasn't going to hit her. He shoved his way through me and knocked my hand away & the whole glass of RED wine went all over me. On my white sweatshirt, my cream colored UGG boots, and my jeans. I accidentally pulled off a necklace he had on, and I didn't even realize I did it, I was just trying to grab him so he didn't hit my daughter. He flipped out about the dumb necklace. I told him I was sorry, I meant no harm, but he's not going to put his hands on anyone. I told him he could apologize since I was covered in red wine. He said he didn't have to. He said he's moving out so he doesn't have to deal with me or my daughter. He says that a lot. He accused me of being drunk, and that was not even close to true. I rarely drink. If I do, I have one glass, not even 2 of merlot, and that is is. I do that maybe once every few weeks, if that. He told ne to be quiet because he didn't want his girlfriend to hear me. That made me mad and I told him I don't care what she hears, this is my house. He said all kinds of hurtful things to me. When he went into his room, I went outside and cried for a while.
This morning I found out he pawned his X-box 360 to get his girlfriend a Valentines Day present. He doesn't know that I know yet, but I am LIVID! This girl never even speaks to me and she is bad news in my opinion. I told him not long ago that if he keeps up his behavior, he won't be able to see her anymore. He said if I do that, I can go ahead and count him as a run away.
I had him start going through counseling with a medical neuro psychologist recently. He put him on Wellbutrin for anger, depression, stress, and alcohol cravings. He only took it a few times and I did start noticing a difference as far as his anger stopped. But then he refused to take it anymore. I took him back to the doctor and he has decided to put him through testing starting next week for ADHD and personality testing. After he gets those results from the BAC tests, he will then decide whether he is going to give him the MACKEY or the MMPI. They said there is hope because their frontal lobe doesn't fully develop until age 25, which is the ability to link consequences to behavior, to make good judgements, problem solving, and makes them feel invincible with the, it will never happen to me thinking. I don't know what to do about how to deal with the X-box situation. I am trying my hardest to not blow up. I'm so mad, and I don't want to act on impulses. I don't understand his obsession with this girl either.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Adviser Mills C.C.D. replied 1 year ago.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I am reviewing your question to see if I can help you.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

You have had exhausting situations happen back to back.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

First let me say, I am sorry. I am so sorry you have had to be put though so much, I know that NO one can break our hearts like our own babies.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

You are doing everything correctly and yes there is hope. I am so glad to hear that you can get him to go in for testing and he does not completely revolt. This means that you have a very hopeful situation because deep down he wants to get better.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

There is nothing you can do about the girlfriend, except hope the phase passes, you can not allow her into your home but he will find a way.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

My advice to you, would be, pick your battles carefully until next weeks test comes back.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I do advise that you follow through with all personality testing to rule out borderline personality, bipolar, chronic depression etc.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Also let me say that as a mom, you need to know, you have done nothing wrong and you are not alone.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

All over the world people are going through the same exact thing. People also tend to not discipline when one parent is lacking, that goes both ways.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Your job right now is to make sure he is safe, doesnt hurt anyone else and you continue to get him all the help that you can.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

The fact that you have gone through so much already to help him shows that you are trying with all of your heart.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Also, do not let him have the power of saying he does not have to listen to you because he will just leave.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

The truth is, most children that try this, realize once you call their bluff..they are not going anywhere.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Why would he? You keep a roof over his head, food in his stomach and he is in no way ready for real life.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I would also suggest that you communicate with him when he is calm. Do not attack the girlfriend because that will only push him towards her more and give him a reason to lash out. Actually, seem supportive about what matters to him.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Wait until he is tired and calm. Sit on his bad and talk to him. Do not get onto him or start any confrontation.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

He is testing you and not being respectful, you must demand that, in a calm way.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

One way to gain it is to start to give little freedoms and give value to what matters to him.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Even though you do not like the girl, it is obvious that she has some hold over him. Sometimes when boys his age become active the object of that becomes very important. He will fight you on her everytime. Luckily, she will go. But, the most important thing is to continue to bring him to therapy, get him tested and listen to the professionals.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Do not use your family doctor for meds, always keep him in counseling, so that someone is regulating his meds. Try to find a strong male counselor or psy, someone he will look up too...that can give you support to make him take the medicine.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Most of all. TAKE care of yourself. you have so much going on....and with your RN too..Which is so difficult. Try to keep everything in your life in sections.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

One thing you can do is not allowed the opposite sex in their rooms, really as the parent, you can do anything you want to do...its your home. Call his bluff. Stay calm.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

Always stay calm. And hopefully your next bout of tests will bring you some answers, treatment and support.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have anymore questions.

Adviser Mills C.C.D. :

I do want you to know that I am the mother of a special needs 15 year old boy, so I have much insight into this process. I am here to help, whenever you need it. Peace to you and your family.

Expert:  Adviser Mills C.C.D. replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Supermoon
I really appreciate your advice and insight. I can honestly say that I feel better now. I think my main problem is that I have given him way to much freedom because when I was growing up, my mother raised me by herself, and she was like a prison warden. She was very cold and uncaring, she used to scream at me constantly and call me names on a daily basis. When I first met my dad at the age of 20 & he hugged me, I didn't know how to respond because my mom never hugged me or told me she loved me. I was frozen like a robot asking what in the world is this hugging thing. When I comes to my kids I'm the total opposite of my mom, but as far as having a relationship with a man, I'm very closed off. I'm far from the touchy feely type. I can't stand to feel smothered, it gives me anxiety. At the age of 18, I had already graduated from high school, was in college, had my own car, & a job working as a data entry clerk for the District Attorneys Office Child Support Division. Even then, I had a curfiew of 8pm. When I was younger, I rebelled by sneaking out almost every single night with my friends and sometimes drinking alcohol and tried marijuana and even od'd one time when I tried meth. I told my mom what I did, & she refused to take me to her hospital & be embarrassed in front of her coworkers. She left me to die. So, I think I have given him so much freedom because I was so afraid he would end up like I did.
I have him seeing the medical neuro psychologist and a substance abuse counselor as well. They are both males, so he tends to listen a little more. I do not have any money in my account until Thursday, but I promise on Thursday, I will go back and tip you. Thank you so much for your time.
Expert:  Adviser Mills C.C.D. replied 1 year ago.
I am glad that it helped in some way! You have been in my thoughts
Take care
Adviser Mills C.C.D., Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 151
Experience: 15 years Plus, Preschool Owner, Teen Mentor
Adviser Mills C.C.D. and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Adviser Mills C.C.D. replied 1 year ago.
Hope you are well! And things are getting better. Let me know if you need anymore help.

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