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Ask earthsister Your Own Question

earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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We have caught our 15 year old son looking at porn pictures

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We have caught our 15 year old son looking at porn pictures of men several times. Each time we have discussed this issue with our son and explained to him how this is not appropriate or allowed in our home. Each time he has apologized and promised that it will not happen again. He did have punishments each time but apparently it is clearly not sinking in. He continues to lie to us and just last night I checked his phone and found that he is still going online and viewing pictures. I personally feel that my son is going through an identity issue. All the pictures he is viewing is of men (not one picture of a woman). For the past month he has had a girlfriend at school. My husband and I have come to terms last year that our son might possibly be gay. We have talked to our son about that possibilty when all of this started and he continues to deny that he is. We don't care either way but at this point are very frustrated that he continues to lie, go behind our backs and defy our rules. I guess my questions is do we need to take a different avenue with this issue. Do we need to seek counciling for our son?

earthsister :

Hello, I would like to help with your question today.

Customer:

Good morning

earthsister :

Hi

earthsister :

I think that counseling may be a good idea for your family, but not for the purpose of trying to figure out whether or not your son is gay and how you can change it (if that is the intention)

earthsister :

but for the purpose of getting him to open up and be honest with you

Customer:

No that is not why we would be seeking counseling. I am concerned that he keeps lying, hiding things, and just defying us.

Customer:

He needs to figure that out on his own

earthsister :

yes, that is what my concern would be as well

earthsister :

Very much agreed

Customer:

My husband doesn't think that couseling is going to fix anything. He thinks that if our son doesn't listen to us why would he listen to a counselor

earthsister :

I think that counseling would be a great idea. Talk to him about it, and let him know that you want him to be able to talk to you about things, and that you want to be able to trust him, so you think that it is best that you all get help from a professional in making these things possible. Assure him that the counseling is for the family, not just him.

earthsister :

The key is to try to find a family counselor, not just someone to speak to him or only about him, but as a family, regarding your relationship with him

earthsister :

In this way, it is not about your son listening to someone else, but about you all working together as a family (with some professional assistance) to solve your issues

Customer:

What about the issue with my son continuing to look at porn/pictures? We have talked numerous times to our son about this and he still continues. Would this be considered sex addition?

earthsister :

I wouldn't exactly call it an addiction, I think it's youthful curiosity, yet a professional therapist would be the best one to assess this. Address this issue in counseling; and of course continue to speak with him about it, and monitor his computer use. Kids of all ages have many curiosities, they just get so much more bothersome as they get older.

Customer:

I agree with that. I have explained to him that I understand that he is 15 and his hormones are raging. And I guess I am not mad that he is looking at the pictures but the fact that he apologizes and swears it won't happen again just makes me feel like a fool. I have lost all trust in him and I hate that. Do you feel that I need to find a family counselor or a counselour that focuses on child sex therapy?

earthsister :

I would start with a family counselor, and get advice from him on her if you should seek further assistance from there. You may even be able to find a counselor licensed in both areas. I really think that approaching the counseling first from a family perspective would help so that your son does not feel alienated, and that he has a problem, and it may help your husband to see his place in the process.

Customer:

ok thank you

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