Thank you Jennifer (jenhelant),
I didn't get your previous responses past the first initial questions you asked and assumed that you had passed things off to the other expert, thus, the rating I gave you reflected that. Sorry about that. I do appreciate your attempt to help again.
We have taken my daughter to multiple therapists, mostly LCSWs and she enjoys the situation and tends to manipulate them. Your point that she has behavioral issues at home but not at school rings so true and that is why I am reluctant to seek a diagnosis of ODD (or whatever), which would encourage someone to prescribe medication. I feel like if my husband and I had better tools for dealing with her, we could turn the situation around. I feel such a sense of urgency, but don't know what to try. I feel like everything I have done has failed with her and frankly I lack the confidence to enforce anything anymore (though I still do try). I'm really hoping for specific suggestions to specific instances from the experts on this website.
I have threatened not to wash her clothing before but haven't followed through with that. At this point, she already makes her own snacks, but I did stop making her breakfast several weeks ago mainly because I was making it for her and she wasn't eating it. Now she doesn't eat breakfast at all. I have a hard time with this outcome when she doesn't seem to be phased by my consequence and is also harming herself as a result; she has been gaining weight since she was 9 and skipping breakfast is not good for her metabolism.
Other suggestions for consequences are welcome and needed. Right now, she occupies a second master suite with a bathroom that we "took away" from her for a few months to improve her behavior. We switched rooms with her sister. Her behavior was better but as soon as she was given her room back, she reverted to the same mouthy, non-helpful behavior. We are thinking about doing this again, but permanently and without warning. The problem I see with this would be the incentive to change her behavior would not be there if she did not have the opportunity to "earn" her bedroom back. I'm not going to do it, however, if we have to keep switching rooms back and forth. Doing this switch also has consequences for her relationship with her younger sister who would be sharing the other bathroom with her. I'm sure there would be fights.
Once again, thanks for your additional attempt to help me. I look forward to hearing back from you regarding the additional things I have written today.