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earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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I was wondering if youu could help give me ssome insite on

Resolved Question:

I was wondering if youu could help give me ssome insite on a stubburn 11 yr old boy. His father and I have been married for 4 yrs. He has a 13 yr old brother n a 7 yr old sister. He has always been the type of kid who will just dig his heals into the ground and not budge on an issue, even if he knows he is wrong. He has started lieing about things and if we (parents) question what he has said he trys to turn it around by saying "What, are you calling me a lier" and gets EXTREMLY defensive!

We at first would explain how there are two sides to everything but now that we have caught him n so many blatent lies we say its hard to know since n the past he hasnt been honest. It seems that when he feels he is causght one of his tactics is to again b VERY DEFENSIVE and to say how its "unfair" n he will keep on turning everything we say around which in turns makes us have to explain ourselfs.

It kindof a touchy subject when it comes to punishment, (which usually is taking away privilages n time outs n going to bed early)because almost 1 yr ago his biological mother took him out of the car on the way to school and beat ( hit and kicked) him infront of his siblings. From that he has become very insicure/ defensive about things so we have to b careful there.

What advice stands out for you to give me? I'll listen to any suggestions you might have. Thank you so very much for your time.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.

earthsister :

Good evening, I would be more than happy to help you today.

earthsister :

How long has he been lying?

Customer:

I would say it started about 3-4 months ago


 

Customer:

He used to be an extreamly honest young man. He doesn't lie for the heck of it. He lies to try n avoid getting into troublle


 

earthsister :

I can relate to this situation very well, I also have a 13 year old, and an 11 year old, both boys; and my 11 year old has an issue with stretching stories (telling lies) as well. What concerns me most is what you mentioned happened to him one year ago with his mother. Do you know what her purpose for beating him was?

earthsister :

and I am in no way condoning hitting a child for any reason; I am looking to find if there may be a connection between his lying and what happened with his mom.

Customer:

Yes, she did not like the shirt he was wearing that morning for school. They both were argueing over it at her house n on the way to school. Like I said he digs his heals in sometimes and doesn't budge. There mom always has to be n control so that really got her mad that he wasn't listening n I guess just snapped. She has a criminal history involving assult on her father n her other childs father.


 

earthsister :

That sounds like a very traumatic experience for such a young boy. Has he had any kind of counseling for this?

Customer:

The mother has always been very mentally abusive to the kids. Calling them horrible names and manipulateing them. I can see why he feels ensecure because of having ur mom say horrible things to u and after the assult she continued to tell him and everyone that he was lieing and trying to make him feel bad by saying because of what he said she might go to jail for 5 yrs


 

Customer:

Yes. When things started to get worse at there moms (she has kicked them out making them grab as much of there stuff as possible n saying she never wanted to see them again etc.) we started family therapy n then individual therapy. Then the therapist felt it best for us to go to a different therapist with more experience with our situation, since the court custody issue was getting kind of nasty also. The kids have been going once a week since April 2012


 

earthsister :

Has the lying issue been brought up to his therapist?

Customer:

No but I do keep her updated most things


 

earthsister :

Therapy is definitely a much needed thing for him as well as his brothers and sisters. I think that it would help to get down to the bottom of why he lies. It is important that he understand that by lying, you land yourself in more trouble than if you do something bad and just tell the truth about it. He also needs to understand that liars can't be trusted. I go through this with my 11 year old regularly. I explain to him that because he has lied to me before, it is difficult for me to believe what he says, and that by telling the truth he avoids this issue. Ask him why he lies, if you haven't already. I know that you say it's because he fears getting in trouble, which is probably true, but ask him why, and see what kind of answer you get. Bring up the lying to his therapist and get his or her input.

earthsister :

Do take away privileges when he lie, and explain that he can earn them back by being honest and regaining your trust.

Customer:

that sounds good


 

Customer:

Do u have any tips on dealing with a child that will dig his heals in and not budge an inch? This happens when he is feeling defensive


 

earthsister :

He doesn't happen to be a Taurus, does he (Born in April or May)?

earthsister :

I am a Taurus myself, and that sounded a bit familiar.

Customer:

born in the first week of july


 

Customer:

lol


 

earthsister :

ok, just thought I'd ask.; lol

earthsister :

Do the best that you can to not make him feel defensive. Notice the times, and kinds of situations that he is likely to become defensive about, and adjust how you approach him about them. Make it seem like he has a choice with things; and not just as though it's got to be one way or nothing else. Often people become defensive when they feel they have no way out; give him ways out, and work to not lock him in (if that makes any sense?).

Customer:

At times when he has gotten into trouble n has to goto his room he refuses to the point where he could be grounded for 3 month he still wont budge. to the point where it seems the only way is to phsically pick him up n that we feel is dangerously close to what he went through in his eyes


 

Customer:

So when he is refuseing to do something we could say something like you need to goto your room to cool off or somewhere or he can stop doing whatever got him into trouble???


 

Customer:

could u give me a few examples? Most of the time its at night or possibly before bed. If my husband notices his son is starting to get upset he will say something like hey we both seem to be getting upset lets just take some time to cool of that way we wont say something hurtfull (cause his son would call him horrible things like I hate you etc.) Then he would try to leave the arguement.He will follow my husband around yelling saying y wont u talk to me. Or if he is staying in his room he will yell at the top of his lungs. What can we do to stop this? Luckly it hasn't happened for awhile


 

Customer:

Are you still there?


 

earthsister :

Pardon me for stepping away; I am still here.

earthsister :

It sounds as though since this hasn't happened fpr a while (the yelling at the top of his lungs) something must be working; Is it usually that he doesn't want to go to bed when he is supposed to?


 

earthsister :

and pardon, I meant "for a while"

earthsister :

It is important to set the example for children, as it seems that much of what he may have learned in interaction has come from his mother. Your husband and yourself should continue to set the positive example for him of what behavior is appropriate in your interactions. Let him know the rules of conversation (and if you haven't developed any house rules, now's a good time); examples: no yelling, no saying hurtful things (name calling, I hate you, etc.), no hitting; make sure he knows that these rules are for everyone (parents included)

earthsister :

I do want to help you with this issue; if you do have any other comments, questions or concerns, please message for "earthsister." Thanks.

Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.


What about his EXTREAMLY defensive behavior. I have told him to please stop doing something ( I forget what it was but it was like throwing things a ball n the house or he said something rude to his sister) and his response is what so i'm a wild animal or something. I was taken back by what he said cause it had absolutely nothing even close to do with what I said. He was playing pee wee football so my husband told him it would be a good idea to have some extra protine in his diet. He instantly became very defensive and when he gets like that which is a few times everyday he will say somethink rude or insulting back.


 


Is there any tecniques or advice on this subject?


 


Thank you

Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.
Children, a lot like adults, can become defensive when you tell them "no" or not to do something. A good idea may be telling him what he can do; example, if he's throwing the ball around the house, try saying "In here's not a good place, but you can throw the ball outside." Or ask him "Now where might be a better place to throw that ball instead of in here."; Sure, he may reply with a smart response, but do you see where I'm going? Try not to seem as though you are trying to deny him something, but as though you are giving him better alternatives. Let me know your thoughts. "earthsister."
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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earthsister
earthsister
Parenting Counselor
141 Satisfied Customers
Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.