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professional_Alison
professional_Alison, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 78
Experience:  Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
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I am in a toxic relationship with my childs father and we can

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I am in a toxic relationship with my childs father and we can not seem to get along. What advise can you give in regards XXXXX XXXXX Depsite my best efforts he spends very little time with our child, does not contact her, or try to contribute to her well being.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 1 year ago.

professional_Alison : Hello there, may I help you? I really feel for you as you obviously have you daughters best interests at heart. Could you try and arrange a regular slot for him to see her at a set place. So it is regular for your daughter and you and her dad feel comfortable. It sounds like you are doing all you can in this situation. Perhaps try to email him some options of times and places to get together. Put the ball into his court but keep it very positive and say how much your daughter is looking forward to seeing him.
professional_Alison : Keep the lines of communication open, let him know her news and progress as things occur however small and invite him to any open mornings at nursery etc so he feels involved.
professional_Alison : If his girlfriend is unhappy about you being present when they meet then say you are happy for her to be there too. You can keep things polite for the sake of your daughter. Try to remove any barriers he may put up such as the girl friend and you will come out on top and this your daughter benefitting from her fathers participation in her life. Good luck!
Customer:

I originally setup days for ohim to come and see her because he was just popping up whenever he felt. Sometimes really late at night when she was sleeping and it was interrupting the schedule I had put her one. He follwed the schedule for a while until the girlfriend had a problem with him coming to my home. I have since offered to meet him at public places or his moms house to see his daughter. His girlfriend has a problem with him meeting me at his moms house and he has not showed up for any meetings at the public places. When he offers to see her its always like 20 minutes before he wants to meet which doesnt always go with my schedule. It is hard to stay positive because he takes care of and spends time with his other child and it bothers me when he has not time for our child. I have offered for him and I to sit down and discuss his role in our daughters life and he has not made any attempts to have this conversation. He claims that he wants to be a part of her life and that he misses her and thinks of her but none of his actions show this.


 


The lines of communication are limited. He does not contact me in regards XXXXX XXXXX child and I have stopped giving info in regards XXXXX XXXXX daughters medical situation because he takes no part in the therapy or doctor visits.


 


His girlfriend is not allowed around my child because she has made threats against me and my daughter and I do not feel comfortable in that situation. Which is a tough position becaue their daught er has a birthday coming up and I want my daughter to know her sister but I do not trust my child around the woman. How should I handle that situation?

professional_Alison : You are right not to allow the girlfriend to be involved if she is making threats towards your daughter. Twenty minute visits here and there are not really acceptable. And as you say turning up without arranged times is unacceptable. I would suggest working out some dates a month at a time where he spends a couple of hours with her image neutral place with you there. Ask him which days of the weekend suit him best but suggest weekly regular visits. Put the ball in his court and ask him to let ou know a list of dates and times. See if you can set in place a months visits and see how it goes. All you can do is keep trying to give him and your daughter tw opportunity to develop a relationship.
professional_Alison : With regard to the sister could she come to the visits too. I agree she should not go to the party without you so if that means missing it then thats how it must be. A relationship can be built with the sister when her father visits. Keep working at getting him to see your daughter, you are doing everything right.
Customer:

As for the sisters having a relationship, originally the girlfriend stated she did nothave a problem with me around her daughter and the kids had been around each other maybe 3 times for a couple of hours. They are 5 months apart so neither one of them really understand that they are sisters. I suggested to him a few months back and he agreed that he would start bringing the little girl with him at lease once a month so that the girls could get to know each other but somewhere along the way the girlfriend has told him that she doesnt want him aroundf me and that she really doesnt want her child around me either so he has never brought the little girl around for a visit with my daughter.


 

professional_Alison : The girlfriend seems to be contributing nothing positive to this situation. Set aside the sister relationship and continue to work on your daughter and her dad developing a relationship and bond.
Customer:

I will suggest that he give me some dates and times that he is available but he is one of those people that do not like to plan in advance and this situation I feel is becoming more problem then what is worth. I want him to have a relationship with my daughter but I feel like I am begging him to do so. He and the girl expect me to allow my child to come around her but I dont feel like that is the best situation .


 

Customer:

I agree that the girlfirend is not bringing abything positive to the situation but unfirtunately he doesnt see that


 

professional_Alison : If you are doing everything you can to make this relationship work you will never have to question yourself that you did everything possible to promote this relationship. It is down to her father whether he is going to put the effort in and do what is best for his daughter.
professional_Alison : If you do not feel it is in your daughters best interests to allow her to his house then don't. There will come a point where you will have to say I would love for you to arrange a time to see your daughter. You let me know when. If he doesn't he will be missing out in the long run and not being a father to his little girl.
Customer:

ok thank you. I was just looking for ways to promote him seeing her and spennding time with her I want them to have a relationship. Try to help him see that the choices he is making behind his girlfriend is hurting his relationship with his daughter. I dont want my daughter to grow up resenting and hating her father. Thanks for your help.


 

professional_Alison : Your welcome please rate my answer. Do let me know if I can assist you in the future.
Customer:

is there any other advice you can give is there something else that I can try to help promote this relationship is there something that I should be trying/doing that I am not already? Should I just continue to push and promote this relationship or should I leave well enough alone?


 

professional_Alison : Don't give up trying, keep positive and encouraging. How old is your daughter?
professional_Alison : Keep him informed of her progress and development, share positive and negatives about her to involve him as much as possible in her life. Send cards from her on birthdays and Christmas.
professional_Alison : If she does art at pre school send him one in the post, have a regular phone call each week even if only for a few minutes. If she has a pre school event such as a play make sure you invite him along. If she makes cakes with you take one to daddy when you visit. If you go on holiday send daddy a postcard. Try to encourage your daughter to think about daddy in the hope this will develop the relationship. Offer lots of ideas for supervised visits such as park, indoor soft play, farm, zoo, cinema, etc .
Customer:

she will be 5 months on Sunday.


 

professional_Alison : Oh sorry didn't realise she was only tiny.
Customer:

He will not call her and will not answer my calls when his girlfriend is home but the evenings is the only time I can call him when I have my daughter becasue I work


 

professional_Alison : Suggest soft play areas, a cafe even for an hour, a mutual friends house.
Customer:

I send him pics of her and he doesnt respond to even acknowledge that he has received the pictures


 

Customer:

I dont update her on her medical situatio, but I will try doing that.


 

Customer:

yes she is still tiny but from the books I read the relatonship needs to be started early in order for them to have a healthy relationship. Am I worrying to much about the relationship since she is still so tiny?


 

professional_Alison : As your daughter is so young her routine is important, he has to see her at a time that is best for her and you. You cannot force him to have a relationship with her but don't give up trying.
Customer:

ok


 

professional_Alison : Keep him informed of her development definitely and sending pictures is great even if he chooses not to respond. You are doing what's right. Relationships do form from a young age and obviously having his involvement in her life would be in her best interest but you cannot force the issue. So say to him you let me know when you are free and we wil do our best to meet with you. Make it his decision.
Customer:

ok I will give that a shot. it hurts obviously that he seems not to care and doesnt want to be aprat of her life but i just wanted to make sure that i was doing all i could do for her and him have a relationship. thanks for all of your advice


 

professional_Alison : Your welcome, your doing a great job, let me know how it all goes. Good luck.
Customer:

will do thanks please keep in touch XXXXX@XXXXXX.XXX

professional_Alison : I will do! Xx
professional_Alison : Please rate my answer.
professional_Alison, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 78
Experience: Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
professional_Alison and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

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