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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1759
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
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We have two and half year old twins, which are a boy and girl.

Customer Question

We have two and half year old twins, which are a boy and girl. We have lived in USA, Russia, Spain, France and Cyprus as they have grown up. We speak English, and Russian to them, which they understand well, but they speak very little.

Our problem is our son cries a lot. He is constantly crying Mama, Mama, as soon as she leaves his sight. We both are home all the time, and we have a live-in Nanny who has been the same individual for the past year, so he has all 3 of us for comfort and support. The question we have is, how do we stop him from crying all the time, for he wants to be in his Mom’s arms all the time.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families. I am also a mom of Twins.

CoachJenK :

Welcome.


 

CoachJenK :

Much of what he is experiencing is normal for his age...kids go through this stage of separation anxiety in different ways. His could be a little more difficult as you have moved around a lot and this may cause some upset within him which could cause him to want to be in his mommies arms a lot.


 

CoachJenK :

Reassurance can go a long way but also keeping to a schedule so that if you need to go out and do things, that you continue to do so and remind him that you always come back....sing a little song about mommy coming back and when you do come back reassure him that mommy and daddy always come back.


 

CoachJenK :

these stages can be very hard when you are in them but all of you will get though this with some patience, reassurance and just the natural passing of time through this very normal stage.


 

CoachJenK :

Make sure he is on a consistent and predictable schedule so his anxiety isn't increased.


 

CoachJenK :

I will wait for you to come online so we can talk.


 

Customer:

We want to thank you for your help. We do not leave him, for we take him with us where ever we go. We are wondering should we more or less talk to him and try not to have him Mom be the sole comforter?

Customer:

Actually the nanny will take them for walks and the park for 2 hours each day, so we are not with him all the time.

CoachJenK :

I think that going out for short periods of time can begin to teach him that all is okay while you are both out and that you return. The goal is for him to develop the ability to self soothe and to gain some independence....by him being with you all the time it will be hard for him to develop these skills.


 

CoachJenK :

ok thats good


 

Customer:

He is fine when going out, or if his Mom is out of sight. But as soon as he see her, he wants to be in her arms a lot.


 


 

CoachJenK :

this is normal and this is when she can give him the love and encouragement and try and redirect that energy to playing alongside him and getting him involved in an activity he loves.


 

CoachJenK :

I think the separation is hard for him so that when she returns he is afraid of her leaving again so he clings to her more.


 

Customer:

We will sometimes catch up with them at the park and before he sees his Mom he is not crying, and the nanny says he was playing and having fun and not crying at all, but as soon as she shows up he starts crying.

CoachJenK :

gentle reassurance can help here.


 

Customer:

I agree with what you are saying.


 

CoachJenK :

that is very normal. I would say if he is at the park with


the nanny then let them be at the park and dont go...he is doing well and it is natural to see his mommy and cry and then only want to be with her.

Customer:

So we really should be allowing the Mom to hold him all the time, and comfort him and reassure him.

CoachJenK :

I dont think he should be held all the time...I think a hug and reassurance is great and then encouragement to play and sit beside each other.


 

Customer:

So sit him down, and talk and comfort him but no hold him?

CoachJenK :

he needs to gain some independence while knowing that mommy is near but that he can do things on his own


 

CoachJenK :

I would hold him and give him the comfort but I would not suggest holding him endlessly....its just not realistic


 

CoachJenK :

hold him for a bit and let him feel safe and then in a happy voice say lets go over here and play with your trucks or color...show me how you color...or something like that.


 

Customer:

So far it is mainly her holding him until he calms down.

CoachJenK :

and that is okay but she cant hold him forever. mommy is always safest and that is okay.


 

Customer:

We do try to take his attention away to happy things, and talk about fun things we will be doing and all.

CoachJenK :

she holds him gives him reassurance and then gives encouragement to show her something he has done...his sense of pride will develop this way and he will be excited to show her what he has accomplished while she was away


 

CoachJenK :

you are doing a great job. All of this is normal behavior.


 

Customer:

Thanks for your help, and have a great day!

CoachJenK :

my pleasure. Please take a moment to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my work. i am here if you need anything in the future.


 

CoachJenK :

Can i support you any further now?


 

Customer:

Nothing more for we just wanted to make sure we were doing the right thing, which was giving him lots of comfort. What we have learned from our chat is he needs to be sitting down and spoken to more instead of in my wife's arms.

CoachJenK :

I dont think spoken to is the way to go


 

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1759
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
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