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Ask earthsister Your Own Question

earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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my 14 year old daughter told me thursday night she does not

Resolved Question:

my 14 year old daughter told me thursday night she does not like me or her dad nor does she respect us and how miserable she is living at home. She wants to go live with at her boyfriend's house. This is not an option. I just started a new job and do not have access to insurance until Dec. Thursday she threatened leaving and running to his house, i pulled her out of cheerleading, toke her Kings Island season pass for 2013 and her dad, my husband, grounded her for a month. I think she/we need to talk to someone and sort out our issues. I dont know what to do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  earthsister replied 1 year ago.

earthsister :

Good evening, I would like to assist you today.

earthsister :

I understand that your daughter has said some mean things to you and her father, and has a boyfriend with whom she said she would prefer to live. How long has she been seeing this boy> And have you experienced any negativity from her like this before?

Customer:

she just started talking about him this summer and said that he was just her "friend" but now that they are actually in school together she said he had asked her to go to homecoming as a way to get some other boy creeper off her back and now it has exploded. last year her 8th grade year she was acting out and got grounded on more than one occassion. We had a major scuffle on thursday night and she proclaimed that I did not love her and spoiled her younger sister. she spent the first 5 years of elementary at a christian school, she began public school in 6th grade


 

earthsister :

Do you mean a physical altercation when you say scuffle?

Customer:

sorry to say but yes

earthsister :

I do understand the difficulty that comes with raising teenagers, I do have one of my own. Would this be the first time that you have ever had a physical encounter with your daughter?

Customer:

yes

earthsister :

I definitely think that a great first step would be to get family counseling with a professional therapist. You can ask your physician for a recommendation, or even search online. GoodTherapy.org is a website that allows you to search by zip code and specific criteria to find a therapist that will best suite your needs: http://www.goodtherapy.org/


 

earthsister :

I certainly suggest that you work now to get help for the relationship between you and your daughter while she is still young and in your care. Let her know that you have decided to enroll the family in counseling because you love her very much, and you want to get the help necessary to restore a strong bond between you all.

earthsister :

How about this boyfriend; is there a specific reason that she can only see him at school?

Customer:

well his mom Jen is toxic and i'm afraid offering her home to shaelen as well as sending shaelen text messages as to how


to get refuge from us... Oh yeah shaelen said that she and andrew had sex and if that is true if she was allowed to see him the same may go


on.

earthsister :

Well it definitely seems as though your daughter is rebelling against you. She possibly feels that you and her dad are too strict; I am not agreeing that you are, this is just an observation. Do you think that it would be a bad idea to allow her to see him at your home, when you are present?

earthsister :

And I am not suggesting that you do this tomorrow; The idea is to show her some trust, and give her some independence, however at the same time to be a watchful eye. Denying her the right to see him outside of school is probably crushing to her. Perhaps if you allow them to see each other, under your supervision, your daughter will not feel so restricted.

Customer:

I think we can start with taking him to church with myself and the girls on sunday and see how it goes from there, i think some


privledges should be taken away after the scuffle. Our show of trust and independence have got us defience and hate.

Customer:

my work had me working every other weekend so I changed jobs to a m-f job where i will be home more and on weekends now she says she


cant stand me. i still dont know what to do

earthsister :

Going to church together may be a good thing; I agree that your daughter should be punished for her part in the scuffle; of course assuming that she was the one who initiated the interaction. As much as teens can test us, it is always important to remember that we are the adults in the family, and that raising our voice or using aggression only teaches our children to do so in return.

earthsister :

What ways do you feel that you have already shown her trust and independence that she has broken?

Customer:

i hear what you are saying and I have bruises to prove of her assult on me, she has none as it was my voice that was raised. am i to let her


leave the next time she states she wants to live with this boy? would you let your teen leave under similar circumstances?

earthsister :

I can certainly understand your frustration. And I agree that allowing her to live with this young man is not a good idea at all. What I would allow, if it was at all possible, would be for my teen to live with my mother, an uncle or aunt, or in my case of not being with his father, with his father. If my teen felt so tired of my presence, and I was as well stressed with their presence, space away from one another may be the best option; however where my teen would go would be what I would consider; and all that I would approve of is him staying in the home of a trusted adult (primarily a close relative)

earthsister :

Work with your daughter to show her that you want to rebuild the love and trust between you. Counseling with a professional family therapist I think is the best first step. After she has fulfilled her punishment for her most recent negative actions, give her the opportunity to have her boyfriend over your house, only when you are present. I would not suggest to smother them, and certainly don't allow them behind closed doors; but give them the freedom enough to feel as though they are not being stalked, yet be within range to provide appropriate supervision.

Customer:

ok thank you.

earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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