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Dr. Tiye
Dr. Tiye, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 46
Experience:  As a Clinical Psychologist since 2002, I have conducted family therapy and taught parenting classes.
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Hi My girlfriend I met 3 months ago has 2 kids. They are

Resolved Question:

Hi

My girlfriend I met 3 months ago has 2 kids. They are 9 and 10 years old, a boy and a girl. They are nice kids and well behaved. When I met my girlfriend her kids were away and we spent a lot of time together for about 6 weeks. I really fell for her. She is an amazing person. Now that her kids are back and fully present I dont spend as much time with her. Its also difficult for me because I'm 28 and I dont have any children. I just graduated from law school 2 yrs ago and dont think I'm ready to be a parent. The role feels like too much of a jump for me. I was skeptical about the whole situation, but I had such a good connection with her that I was willing to try to be with her even though she had two kids. My issue now is that the life of having two children that I will eventually have to be a parent to feels so overwhelming. I dont want to be a selfish person, but since being around her and her kids I have noticed that her kids really need a father figure. I've only known them for a month but I don't want them to get attached as I know I am definitely not ready to fulfill such a role. What are your thoughts am I being selfish in wanting to end things or am I doing the right thing? If I am to break up with her how do I go about doing so? What should I say to make the situation easier? I kinda feel terrible..
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. Tiye replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Tiye : Hello!
Dr. Tiye : You are right, you're in quite a dilemma. Unfortunately, you got attached to your girlfriend during a time when you really couldn't see and experience all of her, as both a woman and a mother. Now that her children are back the role she plays in life is very different and she becomes a package deal. No matter how much some people say that you're dating the woman and not the kids this is simply untrue. While I'm sure you thought about this some in the first six weeks, it has now really hit home.
Dr. Tiye : Not being ready to stand in as a father does not make you a bad guy, it makes you an honest one. Many single parents choose to wait a long time before introducing a new boyfriend bit for whatever reason she did not. My guess, however, is that she did introduce you as a friend which makes it quite easier for you to end the relationship as opposed to if she had introduced you and treated you as their new dad.
Dr. Tiye : If this type of relationship is too much for you right now, it's okay. Just be honest and don't continue it on any longer because of you do expectations and attachments can occur.
Dr. Tiye : If she is reasonable, she won't be mad at you if you admit to continuing to grow, learn, and experience life.
Dr. Tiye : You just finished school which in sum has been your entire life for over 20 years.
Dr. Tiye : Now is your time to establish your career and lifestyle and if you're not up to adding children to that right now, it's your choice and not at all selfish.
Dr. Tiye : Again, this would be very different if you had moved in with her and started taking on father roles. That would be unfair to her and the children.
Dr. Tiye : From my understanding, that is not what has happened, so the best time to switch firmly to the friend track is now.
Customer:

Yes I was never introduced as a dad. Being around her an her kids I find myself doing parenting and teaching stuff, just a role I'm not ready for. She is a reasonable person but its a difficult thing to talk about but I dont think I can prolong this. I need to tell her right away. Its been eating away at me for the last month so I'm glad you dont see it as being selfish. Yes I am not living with he, that would be way too soon. But I really got attached to her when her kids werent here, we spent everyday together. I will talk with her tonight.

Customer:

I am sad about it because she is a beautiful person even as a mother. But I have to do whats rights. Any suggestions in talking to her about it?


 

Dr. Tiye : Good luck, I know it will be hard but remember to tell her that you truly think that she and her children are amazing, you just have some goals that you have to reach before you become a parent.
Customer:

Thank you. You have made it very clear for me.

Dr. Tiye : Let her know that she and the kids deserve someone that is totally ready and that you do not want to be a source of disappointment. Life (and probably their real dad) may already caused enough of that.
Dr. Tiye, Psychologist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 46
Experience: As a Clinical Psychologist since 2002, I have conducted family therapy and taught parenting classes.
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