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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
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My daugher went back to her abuser boyfriend after 8 months

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My daugher went back to her abuser boyfriend after 8 months of verbal abuse and threats which resulted in police reports and getting a home security system so she felt safe. As soon as she went to college she announed in an email to us that she went back to him because she hurt him/played him just to satisfy us. Now she only contacts us when she is in need of money. Her boyfriends Mother verbally attacks me in public. My daughter is obviously telling lies about me. My husband and I are lost at what to do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I could imagine how frustrated you must feel since there is not much that you can do.
Ultimately your daughter is an adult and needs to make her own decisions. Even though you mean well and can see much more clearer than she can she will continue to do what she wants. I think the more you push the more defensive she may become. You can go to the police, but that will not get you too far since he has not physically abused her yet and even if he did she would need to be the one to press charges.
W
Women who are in these situations are "blindly" in love and can not see from the outside because they are too much embellished in the situation. Sometimes they may unconsciously think that they deserve that or just love them too much to notice.

You have done the right thing talking to her and letting her know that you are there for her. You can try talking with her again as well as bring her some information about verbally abusive boyfriends and what it can lead to. Remind her of his threats and how afraid she was. Also, bring her information about how the men you physically abuse usually start out as verbally abusing.

Let her know how much you love her and try explaining that you are looking from things from an outside view and try to encourage her to do the same. Let her know that she is an adult and understand that she needs to make her own decision, but you are trying to help her since you are on the outside. If you try and talk in this fashion it is better than just telling her what to do. If you tell her what is best she will just get defensive and do what she wants to do. However, when you act as just advice and admit in allowing her to make her own decision that will force her to actually think and take in consideration what you are saying more so than if you handled in the other way.

From there just be there for her to support her and keep in touch. Try spending quality time with her doing things together. During those times try not to talk about the boyfriend just concentrate growing your bond and having a good time together. As you spend more time without talking about the situation that can lead to her wanting to spend more time with you. If you talk to her about it all the time then she will not want to see you in order to not hear it. However, even though you will enjoy spending time with your daughter you have underlying intentions. Your goal is to build her trust and grow closer by spending more time together then in time you will have a better chance for her to realize who truly loves her and treats her good and she may come to her senses and realize that she is not in a good situation.

Even though there is literally not much you can do since she needs to make her own decisions. You can still help change the situation without her even knowing. That is the best way since pressuring or talking down about him will only leads to her being defensive.

I hope this has helped you and I wish that your daughter decides to make the right decision. All the best to you in doing your part and trying to stay positive even though I understand it is an extremely difficult thing to go through.
Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
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