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DocRob
DocRob, Doctor (MD)
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Doctor & Father
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I have a problem with my son and my husband We live together

Resolved Question:

I have a problem with my son and my husband
We live together in one house but my son who is 11 doesn't want to talk or even see my husband who says that my son needs psychiatrist.
Problem is that my husband used to yell a lot and he doesn't like our son. For his disrespect, he says. My son says that he is not going to give his dad any more chances.
Could you help? I want them to get along
Mum inbetweener
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  DocRob replied 2 years ago.

robertsykes :

Welcome to Just Answer. I truly hope that you will be able to benefit from my many years experience both in paediatrics, and as a father! I will aim to provide sensible, common sense help, but I need you to read and agree to the contents of this paragraph.


This conversation cannot be used as a substitute for a face to face patient-doctor or patient-counsellor consultation and is for educational purposes only. Whilst I may give suggestions for you to look at, I cannot diagnose or recommend treatment online and I cannot be held responsible for the consequences derived from the information given here, under any circumstances.


 


Finally, I would be very grateful if you could rate my answer when completed; I strive for level 3 or above in this but if you feel that you my advice warrant’s negative feedback, please remain in contact with me to see if we can resolve any issues before leaving the feedback. If you still feel that my answer was poor and that negative feedback is warranted, I will then fully respect your wishes.


 


There will be delays in responding at times as I type out responses



If you continue this conversation, you are accepting these as our “terms”.


 

robertsykes :

I am so sorry to hear that you are having these difficulties. It sounds to me that you are each in fairly entrenched positions

robertsykes :

I would like to ask a few questions to help me clarify things in my mind, please:


1/ is the dad, the biological father?


2/ when you talk about the father having "hurt" the son, are you referring to physical or emotional violence, or both?


3/ does the father have any insight into the hurt he has caused his son?


4/ why do you think the son is so vehemently opposed to patching things up with the father? (has the father been physically violent or abusive to you, or has he seen other mistreatment?)


5/ why did you have your counselling?


6/ have you had family counselling, where all three of you go into therapy together, in the the same room?


 


Please rememebr that the more information I have, the more likely I am to be able to help you

robertsykes :

sorry, one more


 

robertsykes :

7/ why did you need to take 6 months away from the father? was it all because of these issues or were there other problems?

robertsykes :

Thats it for now, I will wait for your responses; thankyou for your patience

Customer:

1. y, h i


2. y

Expert:  DocRob replied 2 years ago.

Hi, there seem to be problems with chat mode so I have switched to q&A mode

 

please answer those questions fully if you can.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Sorry, bit of problems with technology.


1. yes he is a biological father.


2.hurt was more emotional


3.he is aware that he has hurt him /him being in councelling helped/


4. that is a big question. Is he stubborn?


His behaviour:


example today: Dad came home in the front door and my son rushed out through the back door, nearly knocking down a cupboard, and stayed behind the outside door until I called him to come in that dad went outside again.


Then he just stayed behind the door until I came out to get him and be on look out. He is bit distrustful even of me.


Then he ran to his room and locked the door. And thisn happens every day, where he is always locking himself in his room.


5. I'm trying to find solution to this problem. My husband says that we have a problem as a couple because I'm on my sons side, and when we started to try to get on the same page we were hoping to get our son there as well.


6. Not possible, because our son won't go into the same room with my husband.


7. There was lots of tension between everybody in the family. Example. Our son started to run away from home, our other son /9 y.o./ did emotional eating /he ate and ate until he vomited, when i banned him from eating he ate sticks and tissues/ . So we left because my councellor reported it to department of childrens services.


 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

i can't find your reply. Got email saying that you replied, but can't find it. Technology problem again?


 

Expert:  DocRob replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for the detailed and honest information.

I am afraid that as you will probably be acutely aware, there is going to be no quick fix to these problems. The extreme response of your son does make me concerned that there may be something else going on between the two of them. However, assuming that all the key facts are out in the open I have a few suggestions:

your husband is correct on the issue that you and he need to be explicitly singing from the same hymn sheet. Unless the 2 of you speak as one voice, and set clear boundaries that will be met with clear, well defined consequences, your son will continue to have the ultimate weapon of playing the 2 of you against each other.

The cause for the problem will take a lot of work to get to the bottom of, and ultimately, this will be the key to any solutions that you can find: essentially you need to persevere with therapy, and try to find a way to perhaps get into family therapy.

Your son may for example have emotional attachment problems toward you, and his extreme reactions to his father may be due to some deep seated jealousy, rather than a problem with the father per se. BY allowing the son to get his way, and have the father leave the house in order for him to come back in , your son is continuing to set the agenda and "divide and conquer" the two of you. Until you get break through's in therapy or can attend family therapy, your first, key line of attack is in being a strong united front against this behaviour.

Notice that I am stressing the separation of the "behaviour" and the "son". At all times, you can stress that you love him, and that you are here for him, but that this behaviour must come to an end. You and your husband need to sit down and have a firm conversation together about the agreed boundaries, and what levels of concession you will make to him in the beginning (ie, your husband might wish to try to avoid him to begin with). Whatever you decide, this approach is not easy. It will be emotionally difficult for you and he will almost certainly rebel more strongly in the beginning. You will need to ride that out otherwise all your hard work will get undone.

I would be loath to suggest medications but it is possible that your son has a treatable psychological condition; I would also strongly advise seeking a referral to a pediatric psychiatrist for assessment.

Summary:
Your son appears to have taken a controlling role in your family (by using emotions)
You and your husband are being successfully "divide and conquered" by him
The key to moving beyond this is firm consistent parenting with both parents "singing from the same hymn sheet"
You should ask for a referral to a pediatric psychiatrist
your son should consider therapy BUT of more importance is the need for FAMILY therapy. This should be your goal with therapy, as the whole family dynamics are currently out of sync through this.

I hope my answer and advice has helped. If you have more questions please ask again in the new questions thread. If you want clarification or advice on what I have stated thus far, please let me know and I will do my best to help you.

Kind regards,
Rob
DocRob, Doctor (MD)
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 84
Experience: Doctor & Father
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