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Ask earthsister Your Own Question

earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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my name is XXXXX XXXXX I have a 17 year old daughter and I am

Resolved Question:

my name is XXXXX XXXXX I have a 17 year old daughter and I am going crazy because she likes to be outside until really late plus don't let me know where she is and just ignore my calls and text she said she does not care what I think or what my rules are what can i do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  earthsister replied 1 year ago.

earthsister :

Good evening, I would like to assist you today.

Customer:

as u read my question I am desperate because my daughter behavior

earthsister :

I understand that you have been having a difficult time with your 17 year old. How long has this been going on.

Customer:

well since she was 14 she show a little actitu but lately is been out of control since june I will say when I found out she was smoking drugs

earthsister :

And when you did find this out, did you punish her for it?

Customer:

yes and me and my husband talked to her she did ok for some time but then she went back to do the same thing again until she told me she does not care anything we have to say or do she thinks she is a grown up and we can't really do anything about it

earthsister :

What was your punishment for her at that time?

Customer:

she couldn't go out and we cut completely internet and cable. like rite now she got out of work at 2 is almost 5 I don't know anything about her she won't report herself and probably she will come until 12 or 1 in the morning and I don't have a clue where to loo for her.

earthsister :

So your daughter does work? Does she pay much for her own things (including food), or are you still her primary support? Also, will she be going away to college next year?

Customer:

nothing at all and she is not interested on going to college she only work 2 or sometimes 3 day on the weekend I helped her get this job hopping she would do the right think and think different but that didn't make any difference she wanted a job .

earthsister :

Your daughter is on the brink of adulthood, and needs to understand what it means to have responsibility. It's really difficult to parent older children at the age of your daughter, because while we are busy trying to protect them and look out for their best interests, they are trying to become independent (or at least act that way with certain things) and have freedom. This is where sometimes it helps to treat you child similar to how you would an adult guest in your home. Just as if your daughter was an unrelated adult guest in your home, there would be certain rules that you would expect her to follow: No smoking or drinking in the home, no coming in any time of night, extended guests pay rent, and often generally an unspoken rule, respect everyone in the household, as well as other rules. This would be a great time to sit your daughter down, and lay down the house rules and what the effects of not following the rules will be.

earthsister :

Explain to your daughter that she is living in your home, and while she is doing so, she must follow your rules. First is to stop the marijuana use. You can give her the opportunity to do so herself, then give her about a month to get clean, and administer your own test from a pharmacy. If she cannot stop, a rehab that works with teens her age would be the next step; and it should not be a choice, but a requirement to stay in your home and continue to receive your support

Customer:

well that sounds good but I am afraid to do it because i want to have a relation ship whith my kids and i kind feel guilty if i start charging for rent or that kind of staf but I will do it what can I do or say if she tells me she will move out. So is ok to do so because my husband said she need to start having responsibilities like grown up specially if she thinks she is.

earthsister :

I can understand your feelings, but I definitely don't think that you should feel guilty; especially considering her behavior, and treatment of you. The main thing that you will be doing in charging her rent, and/or taking away some of your financial support of her (such as make her buy her own clothes or food, etc) is teaching her responsibility; much needed especially at the stage she is at now.

earthsister :

Let her know that you will be willing to continue to support her, as long as she restores your trust in her by consistently following your rules.

Customer:

I am a heart broken because all we trying to do is to give her a better opportunity of live and she is not looking at it like that we good persons we love our children we don't drink we don't smoke we don't run the streets we work hard for them.

earthsister :

I do understand the pain that you feel. And do know that you are not alone. Many parents go through these things with their teens.

Customer:

I was needing somebody to tell me is ok and u r not doing anything wrong thank you so much .I fell relief that I am making the right decision and I am not alone this thinks happen every day and to anybody

earthsister :

That's correct. And you are doing the right thing in proactively seeking out a solution to the problem; and I commend you for that.

earthsister :

What often is in order for these kinds of situation is tough love. Your daughter needs the responsibility of paying rent, paying for her own things, etc. When she's an adult and moves out your home, she may chose to smoke marijuana, and there will certainly be nothing that you can do; but what she needs to learn now, is that if that is what she is going to do, she must first be able to support herself (rent, utilities, food, etc)

earthsister :

If she wants to live like an adult in one way (hanging out, smoking, not checking in); she has to first be able to behave like an adult in other ways: supporting herself, taking care of her responsibilities, etc.

Customer:

thank you.

earthsister :

You are most welcome. If you do need any further assistance on this issue, or other ideas, please do not hesitate to message for me; I am more than happy to help.

Customer:

thank you again.

earthsister :

I wish you and your family all the best!

earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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