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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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One who is BOTH a parenting expert and a psychiatrist/psychologist

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One who is BOTH a parenting expert and a psychiatrist/psychologist BOTH is probably the best type of expert to answer this question because it seems to kind of be like BOTH, a parenting and mental health question, BOTH. So, I don't know if maybe someone like Dr. Paige should take this question since she is BOTH, a parenting expert and a psychologist. Anyway, the question is this: When parents have a baby by accident, (one example out of many is like when a lady had an operation to have her fallopian tubes tied, and therefore, the parents never expected a pregnancy to happen, but it did somehow) and they don't get an abortion due to religious reasons nor do they want to give the baby up for adoption because of pride and because what would their families and friends think and so forth, are the chances very high that the parents will most likely not teach, correct, and discipline this child like they did to the children that they did try having and did want to have? Are the chances very high for the parents to look at this child and treat this child as just an obligation only? Are there any statistics that answer this question regarding situations like this? Thank you.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. Let me read what you wrote.


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Hi there. I am a psychoanalyst with an MSW in Social work, a PhD in clinical Psychology and postgraduate training in psychoanalysis --- a total of 17 years of post graduate education in the mental health field beyond my bachelor of arts degree in psychology, so I think I can answer your question.


 

Customer:

O.K.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

First, let me ask you, do you have other children and how many if you do and how old are they?


 

Customer:

I don't have any children. I am just asking this question out of curiousity after hearing about a co-worker of mine that is in this situation.

Customer:

My co-workers other children are ages 9 and 8.

Customer:

My co-worker's son is 9 and her daughter is 8.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Ok, I see. It has been my experience when someone has a child, under the conditions that you have mentioned, that upon the birth of the baby all the bonding that happens when someone gives birth naturally occurs. The hormones are there. Think of biology --- think of of what happens in t5he animal kingdom between mother and offspring. The mother of the offspring is very bonded with the offspring and very protective. So my answer to you is no, I don't think the parent will think of this just as an obligation. The parent of this child will treat it in a very similar manner to how she has treated the other children. In the nine months of gestation she will have time to work through her feelings of not having wanted this child.


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Unfortunately, this happens a lot --- unplanned pregnancies.


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

It is worse for the child when it is adopted. There often are a lot of problems with children who have been adopted.


 

Customer:

I see. I only wondered because I have seen some situations where parents treated their children differently in this aspect before. I have seen situations sometimes where parents only barely discipline a child when that child's behavior has caused other people to view them in a negative light. Otherwise, they wouldn't say anything. And it just made me always wonder if this happened because of unplanned pregnancies.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

The frequency of that happening is more related to the psychological make-up of the parent, more than to the fact that this child was unwanted.


 

Customer:

Like Eli in The Bible never taught, corrected, disciplined, and restrained his 2 sons. It wasn't until people all around started talking negative about Eli because of his sons where Eli barely told his sons "Why do you act like that?"

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What kind of mother is this woman to her 9 year old son and to her 8 year old daughter?


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

If she is negligent with them, she will be negligent with this one.


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So what makes you think that she might


be like Eli in The Bible?

Customer:

On a weekly basis, she asks them if there is anything they want to talk about or if they are facing a problem of some kind and she will spend an entire hour talking to them about those things. She does this on a weekly basis in order to teach them well due to all of the bad influences that are around in culture.

Customer:

No, Eli in The Bible was another matter I was talking to you about. It had nothing to do with my co-worker.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

If she is that kind of mother then that is her character --- her personality. My guess is that she will do the same for this baby.


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

It doesn't mean that she doesn't have any negative feelings now. Obviously, she must have some, otherwise she would not have had her fallopian tubes tied. But if she is a mature psychologically sound woman she will learn to deal with it.


 

Customer:

O.K. Thank you.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Oh, you are


most welcome!!!!!!!!!!

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.


Dr. Schaye, I neglected to ask you one more thing. Regarding the bonding that you described using the biology example between mother and offspring, does the same apply to the father? Thank you.

Wise lady to ask that question!!!! No, not always --- we are the ones --- we women, that is, who become pregnant and carry the baby for 9 months. We are the ones with the hormones. The man doesn't bond right away. Usually, when a child is born and brought into the home it takes the dad a while to bond.
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