Hello! Please remember that my responses are informational only, we are not establishing a therapeutic relationship.
I can understand that you would be angry and disappointed.
How long has it been since you've found out?
Just this morning
OK, so please consider the fact that you haven't had much time to process what you've found out, so of course your emotions are going to be high right now.
Are you her Dad or Mom? Usually it's harder for Dads. ;)
Also, it might be difficult to think about this right now, but her behavior is normal --many 19 and 20 year olds to try alcohol. That is not an excuse, however, for most, it does not affect their fture in a negative way. And, it might be better, actually, that she was caught.
Given that she was caught, it might curtail that behavior in the future.
The best thing you can do right now is give yourself some time to calm down.
Would you like to interact a bit? Comment more on how you feel? Ask another question?
I see that you went offline. I am happy to interact with you further, until you have a satisfactory answer. There's no one "right" answer to how to address this issue in families, given that every family is different with different dynamics. I hope that you will return and comment on what I've said so far. Take care.
It took me a while to find you answer. I agree that it is a good thing she was caught now. Perhaps it will eliminate this behavior in the future. How much support do I, as her mother give her? She will have her license revoked which means transportation will be an issue. I feel she must be inconvenienced financially and other ways, but I want to step in and support her too.
Oh, I am sorry about that! I agree that it's good for her to be inconvenienced, and it's also good for you to support her as well. I think that in finding the answer to your question you must consider both what she needs to function (i.e. getting to school and/or work) and what you are both able and not able to provide. For example, it might fit into your schedule to drop her off at school for her 9 AM class, but it would be a hardship, difficulty or even inconvenience for you to pick her up at 2 PM, so she has to take the bus home at that time. Does that make sense?
So, my suggestion is that you take a close look at her schedule, your schedule and first be very clear in your own mind what you are both willing and not willing to provide for her. After you are clear in your own mind (and this may involve other people in your family as well --husband, sibling, etc) then you need to communicate very clearly to her what you will and won't do. "I can drop you off at school on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Tuesdays and Thursdays you will need to (walk, take the bus).
This will involve some honesty with yourself (to not over-commit yourself if that's an issue).
I don't think making her take the bus (if that's an option) all of the time is necessary for everyone to get the point --relying on others for a ride is a hardship for most of us. But my other point would be that you know her best, and so think about that when making your decisions.
Please follow up again if what I've said does not address your concerns completely enough. If it helps to give specific examples of what you're thinking about, please do so!
Thank you. I want to be there for my daughter-although sometimes I'm so mad at her I don't even want to speak to her. She needs support now as she is very distraught and hating herself. My problem is that I don't know how to support her, yet let her endure the natural, logical consequences that she obviously needs to learn from. For example, her license will likely be revoked and she will need to figure out transportation. When she's home from school, do we chauffeur her or should she have to arrange her own transportation.