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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Im about to fire my nanny and I know she will flip when I

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I'm about to fire my nanny and I know she will flip when I do. She is due Togo in her vacation on Wednesday and I plan to talk to her tomorrow. Tha last time I told et I think things weren't working she said you have to tell the children you're firing me an that I don't want to go. I'm worried she's going to do the same thing this time. Any suggestions on how to handle it? I don't want her upsetting the kids more than they will already be upset about her leaving. Im firing her because my kids feel responsible for her happiness and yesterday she told them that if they didn't behave she would leave them and that it easy to find a better job with better pay and less hours. My kids are terrified of upsetting her or making et sad.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this serio

us situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you are describing here is truly serious. It shows this person has been systematically abusing your children, and to have a person in your home not to truly take good care of your children but to use and abuse them, is unacceptable.


Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This person should be confronted and fired ASAP. It seems obvious your children have already undergone the consequences from her manipulation and psycho-emotional abuse. There is nothing that could justify exposing them to more of this. You are absolutely right in your assessment and sound decision. Please do not expose your children to this person any more since she is obviously too abusive and unable to play any healthy role in their lives.


Rafael M.T.Therapist :

To make them feel responsible for her happiness and actions is the worst form of psycho-emotional abuse a child could undergo. Please focus now on working with your children on understanding that she has been a very abusive person and that you cannot allow such a person to stay there anymore. Obviously they would feel bad and miss her, that's normal, but at the same time they would learn that they attached to a very unhealthy and abusive person and that it is never OK for them to be manipulated or abused that way.


Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?


Customer: Yes thank you. My worry is she will be staying wih us till Wednesday. Should I keep her away from th children till that point? And what if she tells them I fired her and she doesn't want to go but I'm making her. My daughter is 6 and my son is 9. Should I just be honest with them? Will they be able to understand that I fired her be because I want the best for them? I am truly hoping she takes this well and goes On her leave on Wednesday as planned.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying


Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, if she has to stay until that day, my recommendation is for you to keep her far away from your children. You must confront her and make it very clear that it is unacceptable and not allowed for her to continue to manipulate or abuse your children under any circumstances, that the core requirement for her to stay there until Wednesday is to respect you, your family and rules, otherwise she would have to leave right away. Remember that when an employee like her neglects or abuse any minor, you could and should fire and report her to the agency regulating her profession, since it is very serious, what you have described here.


Customer: Thank you for your answer. I wasn't sure if I was over reacting to the situation.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, please be totally honest towards your children, they need to learn and understand what is acceptable and healthy and what is abusive so they could protect themselves and let you know whenever anybody is doing something wrong with them. T

hey need to know this without doubt.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please be sure that here you have nothing to fear nor repress. You need to be clear you are doing something that is totally right and necessary. She needs to be confronted on her behaviors and dysfunctional approach, since it is clearly abusive, and you have not been paying her to manipulative, abuse and make your children little codependent people, abusing their vulnerability.


Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It would be totally normal for your children not to react well to this, since they have been told, taught by her during all this time that things are the way she says, and for children a parent, care taker and a nanny too, could become like God in their minds, so to understand it all was wrong would not be easy, it would challenge what they already believe, feel and trust, but if they do not learn better, they would continue to be undermined in their developing personalities and lives. So it is necessary and should not be delayed, they will be fine with a healthier understanding from this painful experience, since it would allow them to protect themselves from other potential abusive people-situations. Please feel confident and proud of taking good care of your children and of taking away from their lives anybody who happens not to be a healthy, respectful, caring and assertive person, whether it is about a nanny, a neighbor or a friend.


Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.


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