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mitchell_3845
mitchell_3845, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 6
Experience:  I am mom of 4 great children. I spent 5yrs working in a Daycare and I have a little medical back training.
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My 14 year old son steals, lies and wont do anything I ask,

Customer Question

My 14 year old son steals, lies and won't do anything I ask, but if I don't give him what he wants he smashes the house up and gets violent towards me and my husband. I'm at my wits end, if I ground him or punish him by taking his phone of him, he goes mad and walks out of the house screaming and swearing?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  mitchell_3845 replied 1 year ago.

mitchell_3845 :

Sorry to hear about the trouble you are having and my heart goes out to you. It sounds like he is having a lot of anger problems and maybe a talk with his doctor would be a good idea. There are medical reasons for some that have anger problems. If the doctor would find nothing wrong then maybe you should look to the law for some help. I'm not sure where you are located but I know the juvenile jail in my area does allow parents who have troubled children to have there child locked up for a short time in hopes that that might make them see what the future can hold if they continue there actions.


 


From what you are saying though I am really leaning toward a medical reason such as Bipolar, Anxiety, or something else along those lines. If it something along those lines there are medications that can help a lot. It wont totally change who he is and he would still get mad about stuff but it would not be as bad as it is now.


 


I wish you the best of luck and I hope I was able to give you a little help with your problem

mitchell_3845, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 6
Experience: I am mom of 4 great children. I spent 5yrs working in a Daycare and I have a little medical back training.
mitchell_3845 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  PhDconsult replied 1 year ago.
Adolescence represents a turbulent, fearful time for children who are not confident they will be successful in meeting the growing and pending responsibilities of the adulthood. Even though such self-doubt exists, the adolescent child still needs and seeks greater independence as well as a sense of privacy. Your son appears to be reacting with great fear to the developmental changes in his life. Neither rewards nor punishments will get at the heart of the problem. As long as his confidence is low and his fear is high, he will likely continue to act out in some of the ways you have described. Although it is difficult for a parent enduring these kinds of negative behaviors, he needs you to help him discover and nurture his strengths--the strengths that will help him become a happy, well-adjusted, contributing adult. As parents, we must help our children connect their strengths and interests to needs in the larger world. If you can assist him in finding even isolated instances of purposefulness, you will be helping him to alleviate the kinds of fears that produce his angry reactions. So, instead of focusing upon the negatives, you would begin to recognize the positives about him. You could start by listing the positive traits, talents, etc. you feel your son possesses. If the negative behaviors have persisted for any length of time, you may find this exercise to be challenging. You may find that you can only think in terms of negatives about him. He is likely having the same difficulty seeing the good about himself. So this part is up to you--he does still need you!

Sometimes more creative children will, at this age, begin feeling isolated from their age mates. Perhaps he is being bullied or not performing well in his school work. These kinds of situations need to be dealt with individually at the same time you are working to recognize and develop his unique strengths.

On the other hand, you must also work to help him develop more appropriate responses to disagreements or disappointments. Sometimes counseling or anger management classes can help an adolescent learn to control hurtful behaviors. I would not try to expose him to any kind of “scared straight” situations at this point. After all, if fear and aloneness is the greatest motivator of his negative behaviors--then such programs would likely create more negative behavior. You certainly do not want him to accept an image of himself as someone who is abusive. Rather, you want to redirect him to the positive things about himself. He needs to know that you love him; you recognize his strengths; you believe he has what it takes to become a successful adult.

Your son will become an adult, whether he is ready or not. The situation can change over the course of the next year--I hope you can motivate change in the right direction. Gook luck to you and your family.

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