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earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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Hi there Im not sure if this is a parenting or relationship

Resolved Question:

Hi there
Im not sure if this is a parenting or relationship question but it touches both.
basically, i was going thru divorce when i met this girl who i fell in love with. My ex who had had cancer 12jyrs b4 and was well at that time had the cancer relapse so divorce was stopped. Doctors gave her 3 months to live.
That was 5 mons into the new relationship
we agreed not to tell my ex or family about new relationship due to awkward situation. My ex had 3 kids when we first got married and now they are grown up 22, 25, 27 but i brought them up for 12 yrs so they are like my kids.
My ex lived and did not pass on for another 4 yrs. Relationship with new girl contnued in secrecy as none knew when and what would happen. We loved each other so we continued but i couldnt tell anyone in fear of upsetting them.
Two yrs since she passed the kids have met the new girl and seem happy ish but obviously still greaving......untill 2 months ago when the 25yo tried to commit suicide-
I am beside myself, shocked and sad! i put her into counselling and move her into my hse- she lived with a boyfriend. The 22yo too lives with me in a new house as we sold the old one to try move on.
The new relationship had advanced and planned to move in together and make a baby given the long time weve been together also our ages- 39 and 40. we thought it was time.
Post suicide attempt, things are difficult!, i try to negotiate with the kids to move in together so i can look after them but also move on with new relationship...but they decline- they say they cant live under same roof with another woman who is not their mother. I negotiate further to try an annexe or a grannys flat arrangement but all declined.
Sadly, i cannot leave them alone, they need me! my girlfriend also needs me and needs a baby.... but how do i do it?
I feel guilty as i have kept her waiting for 5 yrs already so i dont want to keep her any longer and neither does she want to wait any longer understandably. So i break the relationship and break my girlfriends heart soo bad!! i break mine too!!
I feel terrible! i dont have any other ideas of what i can possibly do......i need help and i dont want to lose any of these people in my life but how can i negotiate a working plan with them? is there a way forward?
NB; my girlfirend is seeking counselling and she found this website and recommended it to me.
any advice will be appreciated.
Thanks
Anne
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.

earthsister :

Hello, I would like to assist you today.

earthsister :

It sounds as though you feel loyalty towards both your girlfriend as well as your step children. I do understand how choosing sides can be difficult.

earthsister :

I think that counseling would be a great idea for the whole family (maybe you and your girlfriend separately), but most importantly, you with your step children. Your doctor may be able to provide a good recommendation for a family therapist, check with the info that your girlfriend gave, or even visit Good Theapy.org, http://www.goodtherapy.org/; here you can search by zip code or location (as they are international as well) to find the therapist that will best suite your family's needs. Have a conversation with your step children about how you understand the pain that they feel in loosing their mother, and that you are still hurting as well; but that you all must be able to remember the good times, and move on with your lives; doing the things that would make their mother proud; and that you are sure that she would not want any of you to be depressed or alone.

earthsister :

Understanding that they do not feel comfortable living with another woman other than their mother, work with them to find a place nearby, perhaps where they (your step children) can stay together. Encourage them to make the best of their lives as young adults (whether that includes going to school, getting jobs, owning their own homes, having families, etc); all under the suggestion that it would be what their mother would want, and would make her proud; for all of you to be as happy as you can be, and to move on.

Customer:

hi earth sister and thanks for your reply.


I will try your advice. How do i reasure my GF so that she holds on and waits so that we can do the counselling? she is so mad at me she feels i chose the kids over her and believes i do not remember how long she has waited...

earthsister :

Talk to your girlfriend honestly, the same that you have here; and let her know how you feel pulled both ways, however you love both sides very much, and truly want to make it work. Tell her what you have in mind for your step children; in encouraging then to move out and on, and give her the option of providing her own input on how it may work best for her. The best that you can do is be honest and willing to compromise, and see if she is willing to do the same. If a relationship therapist can help the two of you through this time, do seek out that aid as well. She (your girlfriend) may request a timeline, and this will be something that you all will have to work out together, depending on everyone's needs. I do wish you the best in solving this situation with your family. If you have any other questions, or need further insight or resources, please do not hesitate to message me back.

Customer:

thank you for the advice.

earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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earthsister
earthsister
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141 Satisfied Customers
Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.