Hello, I would like to assist you today.
It sounds as though you feel loyalty towards both your girlfriend as well as your step children. I do understand how choosing sides can be difficult.
I think that counseling would be a great idea for the whole family (maybe you and your girlfriend separately), but most importantly, you with your step children. Your doctor may be able to provide a good recommendation for a family therapist, check with the info that your girlfriend gave, or even visit Good Theapy.org, http://www.goodtherapy.org/; here you can search by zip code or location (as they are international as well) to find the therapist that will best suite your family's needs. Have a conversation with your step children about how you understand the pain that they feel in loosing their mother, and that you are still hurting as well; but that you all must be able to remember the good times, and move on with your lives; doing the things that would make their mother proud; and that you are sure that she would not want any of you to be depressed or alone.
Understanding that they do not feel comfortable living with another woman other than their mother, work with them to find a place nearby, perhaps where they (your step children) can stay together. Encourage them to make the best of their lives as young adults (whether that includes going to school, getting jobs, owning their own homes, having families, etc); all under the suggestion that it would be what their mother would want, and would make her proud; for all of you to be as happy as you can be, and to move on.
hi earth sister and thanks for your reply.
I will try your advice. How do i reasure my GF so that she holds on and waits so that we can do the counselling? she is so mad at me she feels i chose the kids over her and believes i do not remember how long she has waited...
Talk to your girlfriend honestly, the same that you have here; and let her know how you feel pulled both ways, however you love both sides very much, and truly want to make it work. Tell her what you have in mind for your step children; in encouraging then to move out and on, and give her the option of providing her own input on how it may work best for her. The best that you can do is be honest and willing to compromise, and see if she is willing to do the same. If a relationship therapist can help the two of you through this time, do seek out that aid as well. She (your girlfriend) may request a timeline, and this will be something that you all will have to work out together, depending on everyone's needs. I do wish you the best in solving this situation with your family. If you have any other questions, or need further insight or resources, please do not hesitate to message me back.
thank you for the advice.