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Ask earthsister Your Own Question

earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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my daughter goes to see her dad once a fornight and when she

Resolved Question:

my daughter goes to see her dad once a fornight and when she comes back she cries and screams for about an hour. wont let me near her to comfort her and i really dont know what to do anymore. she's nearly 2 and has been going to him every other weekend for about 8 months.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  earthsister replied 1 year ago.

earthsister :

Good afternoon, I would like to assist you today.

earthsister :

Have you mentioned how your daughter acts after returning from his home to her father himself?

Customer:

yes, he's not very helpful. i've asked him to stick to her routine and he says he does. he just says 'i know how to look after a child!!!' gets quite nasty about it really.

earthsister :

Has your daughter been acting this way for the full eight months? And what was the living arrangement prior to this, were the two of you together? Also, how does she have before she is about to visit him; or how does she behave with him?

earthsister :

and that last part is how does she behave (pardon the typo)

Customer:

shes always been the same. we split when i was pregnant due to his agression towards me. i dont say anything to her about going till just before he gets to us incase he doesnt turn up and lets her down. (he used to do that a lot with his other 2 children). he says shes fine when shes with him but cries when he leaves the room.


 

earthsister :

Are you concerned, or think in any way that she is being abused (physically, mentally emotionally)?

Customer:

no, i dont think he would hurt her in any way. when friends see them together they go to say hello but mia (my daughter) looks at the floor and wont speak, she even did it to me once which was worrying. i just dont know what to do about the crying, shes absolutely shattered when she comes home so i dont know if its that and when i ask how much sleep shes had he says about an hour which is normal for her so dont see it can be that unless he's lying about it. i do think he spoils her though and she gets her own way when shes with him.

earthsister :

And how good is her communication ability, is she a good talker, and does she understand much of what you or anyone else says?

earthsister :

Also, is there anyone else who lives with her father who she interacts with while over there?

Customer:

shes very forward for her age. she understands most things. ive always talked to her lots and she talks back. i can have a simple conversation with her.


 

Customer:

he spends a lot of his time with his mum, who mia see's on her own once a week and always has done and she's fine when she comes back from there. he used to live with his girlfriend but they split and she's been staying at his mums, now shes started staying at his dads. its not very stable for her but when i mention it he gets angry again


 

earthsister :

When you say she's been staying at Moms, now she's started staying at his dads; do you mean that now he lives with his father (your daughters grandfather)?

Customer:

he's lived with his father since they split and mia has been staying at his mums, without him and now she stays with him at his dads. but wherever she stays its still the same when she comes home. but not when she spends the day with his mum.


 

earthsister :

Ok, I understand.

earthsister :

And does she seem to love her father (your daughter), when you see the two of them together?

Customer:

she gets excited to see him but goes quiet when he actually turns up and not overly bothered about saying goodbye to him.

Customer:

shes more interested in playing with her toys. that lasts about 10 mins then she'll start crying for no reason and wont stop. i try to comfort her but she pushes me away, screams, throws herself on the floor, lashes outand generally just goes into a meltdown.

earthsister :

After she is calm, and acting herself again, have you ever asked her why she was crying?

Customer:

ive even tried leaving her to get it out of her system but she just gets louder. she doesnt generally calm down till i give her a bottle for bedtime. which means tea time and bathtime are full of tears and sobbing. ive asked her but she doesnt say anything just goes quiet n tries to get me interested in something else.


 

earthsister :

My first thought is that your daughter doesn't want daddy to leave her. As you mentioned, she is fine with him, but when he leaves, she cries. Also, her doing fine with her Grandmother alone, but when he's there, doing the same thing. Her response in melting down after coming home could be frustration or anger that he again has left, and is not staying to join yourself and she. I know this seems like complex thinking for a barely 2 year old, but you would be surprised what young children understand sometimes.

Customer:

but shes never had the experience of playing with both of us at the same time. when shes playing with just me she never asks for daddy. in fact she doesnt ask for him full stop!!


 


 

earthsister :

That was going to be my next question; has she spent time with both of you together recently. She may be having a hard time understanding where daddy fits in to her life completely; especially with the instability in where she is when she is with him. It's hard enough foe children to have to be separated from any parent for a given amount of time, but what really helps a split parent scenario like this is order and stability on both sides.

earthsister :

and that is for children (pardon the typo again)

Customer:

i keep telling him this but again he just gets angry with me and tells me to stop telling him what to do. its not for my benefit its for mias but he doesnt seem to understand. ive spoken to a health visitor about it and explained what shes told me and he flew off the handle and shouted at me about accusing him of being a bad dad.


 

earthsister :

The next opportunity that you get, speak to your daughter's father very calmly about it. Let him know that you want to figure out why she is crying and to fix it. Assure him that it has nothing to do with what he is doing (in other words, don't question him much on what and how he raises her), just speak to him specifically about the two of you working together to find some solution to help your daughter get out of that phase. If at all possible, it may be a good idea for her to be in the presence of both of you at one time (for some time). I am not suggesting that the two of you try to get back together, only that you find some way to interact with her together, so that she can learn to better associate the role of mommy and daddy (and what that means) to the both of you.

earthsister :

If you can convince him, it may not be a bad idea to attend some family counseling sessions together (with your daughter); there are plenty of therapists who know how to involve young parents and their children in counseling sessions in order to solve issues that may be existing with the child. This may be a good time, and way for you all to interact with her together, and work directly to solve the problem at the same time.

earthsister :

Googtherapy.org has a set up that allows you to search for a therapist by zip code, and you can also do an advanced search to find a specific therapist that suites your needs; and they are international as well:http://www.goodtherapy.org/

earthsister :

Another good idea is to mention this behavior to your daughter's pediatrician, and see if he or she may have any input, suggestions, or recommendations of child therapists who as well may be able to help with your daughter.

Customer:

ok. thank you. i will try. i have tried speaking to him so there isnt much chance of him listening to me now. lol. he probably wont go for counselling session either as he feels its not his problem, its mine. this weekend she has just come home was a little different, she did just cry and let me cuddle her with her comfort blanket that she has instead of pushing me away. shes always had stability my end, even though we have recently moved, she settled in very well and quickly here with only a couple of sleepless nights. shes generally a very happy and outgoing child but every other sunday i have problems with her. i will try your suggestions and thank you very much for your help.

earthsister :

No problem. You also want to consider your daughter's age, and the fact that she is advancing rapidly now in her mental development, and she shows this emotionally. If nothing else, see if you can find a good child therapist, and attend with your daughter yourself. I definitely want to help you find a useful solution to this issue. If you need any further insight or have any other questions, please do not hesitate to ask.

Customer:

ok thanks. i shall speak to my health visitor and see if she can recommend one for me. i know where you are should i need more assistance.

earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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