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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about your situation. What you depict here seems very painful, sad and frustrating for you as parents and grandparents, specially because of the time in your
lives when all these dramatic changes started.
Pregnancies could and do deeply impact a person's life, from hormonal and metabolic changes, to psychological and emotional ones. Whole life styles could change because of them. It is not uncommon to see how the mother's personality could significantly change during pregnancy. Some times such changes stay until childbirth, while other times some of them could remain for longer.
Marital problems before and during pregnancy could play a key role on transformations you reported here. it seems the context for this marriage was not he best one for her, where pregnancy and marriage became triggers for these deep changes to develop. It is very sad but necessary to come to terms with the fact that there is not much we could do as parents about our adult children and grandchildren. There are independent adults, who have total control of their choices and actions, and no matter how hard we try, if they are not open to share and to consider you as more active important presences in their lives, you can only respect her boundaries, limits and focus on what depends on you to promote further openness and intimacy, but always it would be limited to what she allows.
It's obvious you do not deserve nor expected any of these changes and distance to happen between you and your daughter and her baby, but it is necessary to accept it , understanding that she is facing her own personal and marital issues, that she is going through a real life crisis, and being this young, even maturing and developing essential skills she needs to better understand herself as an adult, so to be clear about herself, what she truly wants from life. It could seem very dysfunctional but it is the process she is experiencing and avoiding, repressing or denying it would not help. Better for her to lean from experience, while receiving healthy and assertive affection and the support you could
offer and she is willing to take.
You are grieving your daughter and the relationship you had before, so please be unconditionally gentle, understanding, supportive and compassionate towards yourself, for you to be able to cope with it, the same as your husband, so to take good care of yourselves, allowing you to be in the best possible shape to wisely share and support her too.
Does it make sense?
Absolutely, it makes complete sense. Thank you.