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earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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My S15 complains that I dont discipline my daughter, often

Resolved Question:

My S15 complains that I don't discipline my daughter, often enough, in the right way, harshly enough to stop her from speaking disrespectfully XXXXX XXXXX sometimes she is at fault, sometimes they both are and sometimes its just him.

I'm tired of his sarcastic remarks whenever i correct my daughter such as "oh yeah guess that will work for 5 minutes"

Its like he expects me to be in control of how my daughter behaves.

But what if I never fix the way she treats him to his satisfaction?

Am I answerable to him?
Do I have to justify why I can't get her to stop?

What does he want - an apology?

I'm tired of him criticizing the way I discipline his sister when she speaks rudely to him.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.

earthsister :

Hello, I would like to help with your question today.

earthsister :

I am assuming that his sister is younger.

Customer:

Yes his sister is 12 and he is 13

Customer:

*correction - he is 15 turning 16 soon*


 

earthsister :

I first think that your son is stepping out of his lane in telling you how to, or how you are not parenting your daughter correctly. This is commo however,

Customer:

 


are you still there?


 

earthsister :

yes, I am

earthsister :

and pardon the typo, I meant common

Customer:

But i feel unsure because it directly affects how she treats HIM.


So when she's rude to him he says things like "see? nothing you do works!!"
What exact words would you suggest I say to respond to that?

Customer:

I want something decisive to say. but I don't FEEL decisive and he's using it all the time because i'm guessing he senses that I'm unsure and he can get to me that way...

earthsister :

Your son is a teenager, and at 15 soon to be 16, he may think he knows it all, as many teenagers do. He himself sounds as if he could learn to be more respectful in how he talks to you

earthsister :

This is very possibly where she learns her disrespectful behavior from

Customer:

Please suggest something that i could say in response to him.

earthsister :

I would first say that you establish with him that you are the parent and he is the child, so he should talk to you as such

earthsister :

Explain to him when he says things like that that he is being disrespectful to you, and that you will work with him to make the interaction between he and his sister better, but that he must be respectful in how he addresses you

earthsister :

You should also explain to him that those kinds of interactions between sibling their age is very normal

Customer:

I feel responsible for getting her to stop being rude to him though.

Any other suggestions for what i could say:

What I have said is
I intervene and discipline as i see fit. If I never fix the problem I did my best. All the siblings i know bicker from time to time. When you're a parent in this position maybe you'll do a better job. But until then it's not your place to judge me.

Customer:

To which he then wails that he can't stand it and he has to live with this "torture" because I can't control when his sister rolls her eyes or doesn't make eye contact or speaks rudely to him in front of her friends.


 


 

earthsister :

I think that you have given him good enough responses right there; and I personally think that the last one is the best, XXXXX XXXXX stand on its own

Customer:

Or how about I phrase the question differently.

If one sibling speaks badly to another sibling is it a parents responsibility to get that sibling to STOP talking badly to the other one. And if despite their best and consistent efforts - some disrespect continues does that give the child the right to berate the mother for failing to protect him?


 


 

Customer:

This question is as much about what I should expect of myself as a mother in terms of what if i CAN"T get my daughter to consistently be respectful to her brother. Does he have the right to be mad at me for failing to protect him?


 

earthsister :

You should talk to both of your children individually as well as together. Lay down some rules with them about how they should address issues with one another to you. Make sure there are consequences that you give as well. Let your children know which behavior will not be tolerated, also with their interactions with one another. You can only do what you can as a mother to instruct your children, but where you have the ability to best change this behavior is through taking action.

earthsister :

Do not just allow your daughter to talk disrespectful to your son, and vice versa. Stop it from the beginning, and issue consequences for one child continuing to disrespect the other.

earthsister :

And no, I do not think that your son should talk to you the way that it sounds like he is in any situation.

earthsister :

He is doing the exact thing himself that he is complaining to you about your daughter; being disrespectful.

Customer:

But what if my measures don't work. (or don't work as often as he might like) Should I sympathize and let him berate me for failing to protect him.

The truth is in my mind is that what's "supposed " to happen is that the mother is supposed to have perfect discipline and have methods to be able to protect their children from each other. But I can't think of one single mother that has actually achieved that.




Customer:

I don't see my son as being disrespectful to me. I see him as rightfully complaining that I am failing to protect him (or at least part of me sees his point of view)

earthsister :

And again for reassurance; siblings, especially there age will go back and forth, and disrespect each other in certain ways. As a mother, it is your job to protect your children,and your children should also see it as their duty to protect each other, physically as well as emotionally.

Customer:

Any more thoughts on this earthsister?


 

earthsister :

I do think that "berating" is a form of disrespect, and in accepting that from your son, not seeking to protect yourself, it will be difficult to protect anyone else

earthsister :

You definitely should start with gaining the respect of both of your children. Establishing your authority as the rule maker of the home, and that if your children do not follow your rules, there will be punishments

Customer:

So you agree that I'm failing in my job to protect my son then. Because sometimes my daughter gets moody or is just short with him and unnecessarily discourteous. I don't think I'll ever be able to control everything that comes out of her mouth. Particularly when I'm not there. and even when I'm there she can be moody and snappy with him. My son expects me to put measures in place to stop her from ever being like this again. and it's impossible.

earthsister :

It is impossible, and no, I do not think that you are failing at all.

earthsister :

Girls her age (and boys his age) are going to roll their eyes, say smart things etc, to their fellow teenage and preteen siblings. It is almost unnatural for that not to happen

earthsister :

It might help for your son to learn some coping skills. Seeking out a family therapist for this issue might not be a bad idea.

Customer:

Also he never defends his sister in public he never sticks up for her. she will for him. This horrifies me because with my siblings we fiercely had each other's backs. It's just not normal and he doesn't matter how many time I tell him - he just hates his sister too much (and she doesn't even do that much wrong). He went to a therapist in 4th grade because he was being bullied and he spent the whole 6 months complaining about his sister. in the end the therapist just couldn't understand what he was complaining about. He concluded that there was nothing wrong with his sister and that we were far from 'mistreating' him like he claimed - in fact we were too willing to listen to his POV.


 


Thanks for your thoughts so far. If you have any more advice then please go ahead otherwise i thank you for your time.

Customer:

" It is almost unnatural for that not to happen" this is what my son is bitterly complaining about. what i am not protecting him from.
It's ridiculous isn't it?

earthsister :

No problem. I do recommend family counseling, definitely. Your son sounds as though he may be jealous of his sister

Customer:

Thank you for your advice

earthsister :

It seems that I recommend this link with most every customer: http://www.goodtherapy.org/

earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
earthsister and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.
You can use the link above to seek out the therapist of your family's needs by zip code. Definitely work to correct the bond between you son and daughter. Get a therapist that can help you dig deeper to find out where all of the jealousy and anger lies. I do thank you for the favorable rating. And if you do need further assistance on this issue, please do not hesitate to return to this page, and message for "earthsister." Thanks and I wish your family the best.
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
earthsister and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

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