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proexpert37
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience:  Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
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I will try to make this as short as possible. Our daughter

Customer Question

I will try to make this as short as possible. Our daughter first got married at age 21 1/2. It only lasted 3 years due to problems concerning whether or not they each wanted children.
Soon after her divorce, she dated a man who lost his job, and she basically supported him. She also charged his "interview clothing" on her credit card. They broke up and she was stuck with the bills.
She is currently 27 yrs. old and has been engaged for 6 mo. to a guy she's known for 9 years. (We had never met him before.) He was laid-off from his job in Jan. and has yet to find another. We've noticed that although we live in the same town, we see less and less of her, and when they occasionally come for dinner, they show up late and leave early. We do not feel like we know this guy at all, but they got engaged Dec. 2011 and are getting married Dec. 1, 2012.
We've made efforts to meet his parents, but so far, they haven't set up a date to meet us. Her formerly great relationship with her older brother (age 30) is suffering.
Just recently we were told that "rumor has it" that her fiancee' sits home all day smoking pot and recently got a permit for "medical marijuana". We know of no illness he has that would warrant that.
Although we have continually expressed concern to our daughter over marrying a man who is not employed, she no longer listens to us. Now that there might be drugs in the mix, what on earth can we do??? I already see this second marriage as a failure and don't know how to convince her to not go through with it. Frustrated mom (& dad).
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 1 year ago.
Hello and Thank You for consulting Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about the problems that you are having with your daughter and her fiancé. I wish I had a magic wand for you to wave and make all things much better.

However, your daughter is an adult and makes her own decisions. Although they may not be to your liking, there is really not much you can do but to grin and accept it. If the marriage fails like the other one, hopefully she will learn from her mistake.

I do get the sense that the men are attracted to your daughter because she is the provider...financially, emotionally, and assumingly sexually. They do not have to contribute much to the relationship because your daughter does it all. Marriage should be 50/50 and your daughter should not be settling for anything less.

Maybe your husband can go out to lunch with your daughter's fiancé and try to get to know him. Maybe your son can join them as well.

Additionally if the fiancé's parents live close, maybe they can come over for a Labor Day BBQ. That gives them enough notice.

I do feel your pain. Hopefully, you are not putting forth much money for this wedding especially since you do not feel that it is right.

If you are religious, ask God to pray for your daughter, her fiancé, your heart to be softened toward their relationship, and a feeling of acceptance. Additionally, pastoral counseling may help.

If you are not religious, accept your daughter's decision. Tell her that you hope she does not go down the same path as before and she needs to make sure this is Mr. Right. She may just be a woman who needs to feel attached to someone all the time.

Maybe her loving brother can have a heart to heart conversation with her.

She needs to see what is really happening in this situation. There may even be a trusted friend who can shed some light on this.

Stay encouraged. She is not married yet! Decide upon who might be able to break through to your daughter and then go from there.

Hopefully I have met your expectations. If not, feel free to continue our chat. My goal is to provide you with nothing but excellent service.

Have a great day!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I totally agree that our daughter feels she needs to be attached to a man all the time. I've yet to figure out why. She won't even give us the phone numbers of his divorced (but still friendly) parents. When I tell he I'd like to invite them for dinner at our home, she says, ""We've talked about it, and would rather meet at a restaurant." I've agreed to that, but can't get a date out of her, nor can I invite these people myself without their phone numbers. An important event that I forgot to mention was that last month, our daughter, her fiancee', and his mother (who lives with them) all got arrested. They were supposedly "just watching his brother's ex-wife remove her property from their foreclosed upon house" but somehow were arrested for obstruction of justice. Our daughter has never been in trouble of any kind and I am a retired deputy sheriff. I realize she's an adult and can make her own decisions, but our family is so upset over this impending wedding. We are not paying for anything (since we paid for her first wedding) and because he's not working, she's paying for it. She works as a nanny and does not make alot of money.
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 1 year ago.
Oh wow....not a good situation overall. It sounds as though you raised her in the correct manner but she finds excitement in the "bad boy" type of men. She probably thrives on any type of drama.

I also get the feeling that her fiancé's family is probably "from the other side of the tracks.". She is probably embarrassed that they are not up to your standards just like her fiancé is not up to your standards. That is why she does not want you to meet them.

Unfortunately, this wedding may not last...which is sad to say because there are too many red flags.

But what can you really do? You have done everything right. You have been cordial to her fiancé. You have voiced your true feelings. You have expressed meeting the finance's parents. Your daughter is not giving much in return. Ask her why again.

I do not foresee this wedding as being a very happy one from your perspective. Some parents probably would be so disgusted and not even attend the wedding. However, you still want to be somewhat supportive of your daughter because if the marriage fails, she will need you.

Additionally, having the fiancé's mother in the picture is not good at all. I hate to say it, but there may be some "brainwashing" involved which makes your daughter think that everything is fine.

Just do the best that you can and stay positive. Hopefully, something will break through and your daughter will have a change of heart sooner than later.

Maybe you can try spending more mother daughter time with your daughter. She may feel trapped in this relationship and is afraid to get out....especially if there is any kind of emotional or physical abuse.

Just pay attention to things she says and how she acts. There may be much more to this relationship than meets the eye.
proexpert37, Educator/Life Coach
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1374
Experience: Teacher 20+ years, Parent, Expert Mentor
proexpert37 and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so kindly. In the coming months, please let me know how things are going.

Take care!
Expert:  proexpert37 replied 1 year ago.
And.....I truly appreciate the bonus :)

Happy Monday!

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