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earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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Husband and I have separated. We are discussing custody.

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Husband and I have separated. We are discussing custody. We both believe that it is critical for both parents to have a relationship with the children. ( We know that this is the childrens right). Hubby wants 50-50. I've been stay at home mom for many years, primary caregiver and children (ages 11, 10 and 8) have not been outside of our marital home except for 2 nights at a time. (Our family has never been very involved in a relationship with no sleepovers at grandmas. We've never been able to afford camps either). The kids school is obviously in the zone of family home and hubbys is not. Hubby is not a big supporter of homework and I have always been the "organizer". He's a good dad, who loves his kids, but we really have taken on the "traditional" roles in raising the family.

I am proposing that kids go with hubby Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon and then Sun/Mon during school year so that we can keep some consitency and stability during school. Our oldest is also entering Jr high and I want to keep transistions to a minimum if possible. I suggested that we could look at 50-50 during summer and of course all the holidays kids get off would be shared. Finally hubby would be able to see and help with all extracurricular.

Hubby believes that the only thing that matters is that the kids see him 15 mornings/nights and me 15 mornings/nights. If we can do this then the children will adjust fine. He is not willing to negotiate any other idea.....which is bothersome as I really don't think he's approaching this from the childrens best interest.

I am very concerned for the childrens emotional transition and really want to do what would be in their best interest. I know this encompasses a variety of considerations including the individual personalities of the kids......but if you are able to provide any insight that would be helpful I'd appreciate it.

earthsister :

Good afternoon, I would like to assist you today

earthsister :

I honestly from a distance am impressed that your husband wants joint custody (50-50), that is unfortunately rare in this day and time, where many fathers (some while even still in the home) are not equally present in their children's lives, whether physically or emotionally. Your husband probably has a concern that if the children are not in his life as equally as they are in yours (with the separation) that he will loose the connection that he has with them. This has to be understood, and respected from the point of view of a father. When it comes to best interest, I am sure that your husband thinks that the children seeing him equal to you as being what is in their best interest. Seeing that the two of you created your children together (50-50), and he has been a good father to them (as you admit) I do not think that he should be rightfully denied being with his children an equal amount of time as you. I do think that what you should do is speak to him about your concerns with the children's homework; explain that the reason that you are offering the living arrangement that you did, is because you want to assure that they are keeping up with their studies; Be willing to give your husband the chance to prove that he can be the organizer for your children when he has them (after all, he has not had to do so previously, as he was probably the one working while you were at home with the kids). Yes, adjustments must be made, and that means for everyone. Suggest to him that the two of you work together to ensure a strategy that while the children are with him, there homework gets done. There is always the telephone to stay in communication with the kids about homework, as well as internet, which makes communication and sharing real easy. I do think that you have valid concerns about the children and their schooling, however I also think that your husband has valid concerns about your children being in his life as well.

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