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earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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My 39 year old daughter has turned her sister in law agaist

Customer Question

My 39 year old daughter has turned her sister in law agaist her,her father and she haven't spoken in years,her 2 brothers consider her a user,the only time she calls me is when she wants money or for me to watch my only grandchild(9 year old girl).She is often a total bitch and I know I have enabled her over the years.I love her and dislike her at the same time..This is breaking my heart.My daughter in law told me she thinks my daughter is a liar and a cheat.She borrowed money from her brother and never paid him back.She never communicatates with any of us unless she wants something. What can I do?She does tell me she loves me.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.

Customer:

Good evening/early morning, I would like to assist you today.

Customer:

When you say that her brothers consider her a user, are you referring to drugs of any kind, or simply that she uses people to get what she wants?

Customer:

Hello, are you still there?

Customer :

yes she uses people to get what she wants.

Customer:

I do understand. I honestly feel that you need to speak to her about these issues. Invite you daughter to lunch or dinner (on her, of course) and have a personal mother daughter conversation with your daughter about how you feel. Let her know that you feel she only calls when she wants something and that her relationship with yourself and other members of the family is fading; and explain to her the reasons why. When you speak to her about this, try your best not to do it out of anger (I know, easier said than done); Express it more in regards XXXXX XXXXX want to have a good relationship with her, and your concern with how the relationships between her and everyone else in the family are suffering.

Customer:

It will also help if you do not enable your daughter anymore. I know this will be difficult in regards XXXXX XXXXX grand daughter, but sometimes, you'll just have to say no; no I don't have the money, no I can't take care of my grand daughter today. Explain to your daughter that you love her as well, however the using others to get what she wants is only pulling yourself and others away from her. Just as you had to do when your daughter was a child, lay out the rules that you have, ion regards XXXXX XXXXX you will assist her and help out with your grand daughter. You may have to request some form of payment, or something when you do watch your grand daughter for her. This is to show her that your time is valuable, and that as much as you love your grand daughter, she would not be able to go many places and receive the quality of care that she does with you for free.

Customer:

You also must let your daughter know that you demand respect, and that anything less you will not accept, and cannot help her if this is how she will behave. If things seem far out of reach toward being able to have this kind of conversation with her, a third party, such as a therapist may be best able to help the two of you (or the family) work through your issues.

Customer:

Goodtherapy.org has a large selection of therapists across the nation (and even internationally); you can search by zip code, and even do an advanced search to find the therapist that will best suit your family's needs: http://www.goodtherapy.org/

Customer :

I'm a moderator posting in behalf of the Customer.

Customer :

Do you think I should distance myself from my daughter?

Customer:

I would not recommend distancing from your daughter. It sounds as though these are issues that you can work through together, it will take time, effort on both (all) sides, and patience. You mentioned that your daughter loves you, and you love her. This alone is enough to salvage the relationship that you two have. Talk with your daughter seriously and openly about the problem; see what kind of feedback she gives; if she is willing to work through your problems together.

earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
earthsister and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

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If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for accepting my answer, and I do hope that it is of some help to you. If you need any further assistance on this or any other parenting issue, please message for "earthsister." I wish you and your family the best!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Should I let my daughter know what my expectations are as far as her treating me and speaking to me with more respect than she has been doing?
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.
Pardon my previous response, I thought you were a different customer. Yes, I definitely think that it is best that you set your daughter straight on the level of respect she shows you. Number one, you are her mother and you deserve her respect, secondly, she has been able to count on you for more than she deserves from you, this deserves much respect as well. Definitely tell your daughter that if she cannot show you the appropriate level of respect, that you will not be bothered with her or her needs; and if that does occur, follow through with what you say, don't be bothered with it. Your daughter is definitely an adult and should know right from wrong. You have raised her to know much of what she does, now it is time that she applies those things for herself, no more hand-outs, and especially nothing if she cannot respect you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I have made the mistake(probably) of apoligizing to my daughter for the way I raised her and the mistakes I made.I divorced her father when she was 11 years old.I think she has been an angry person ever since..She has reached out to me and I have a rare opportunity to spend a long weekend with her and my grand daughter soon.How should I approach this.We will be camping(a very confined area for 3 days,with my male companion,whom they are comfortable with.
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.
Well, I wouldn't necessarily call your apology to your daughter a mistake. It was an honest feeling, that many of us as parents commonly have; guilt for how our children are affected by some of the choices and occurrences that happen in or own lives, and that is completely normal. Your daughter should actually be quite grateful that she has a mother who would find it necessary to apologize for anything, and I commend you for that. What you as well as your daughter have to understand is that the cards have been played, there is no going back to when anyone was younger, all we can do is take what we know and learn and grow from that. Use the camping trip as a way to become close and more open with your daughter. Your partner coming along is fine, but try to take special time just with your daughter and grand daughter. Express any concerns and feelings that you have with her, and listen as she does the same. Give her the opportunity to prove that she is ready to respect you and be a mature adult, and be there for her; yet if ever you feel disrespected by your daughter, don't be afraid to cut the strings, and explain to her why you are doing so, yet as a mother, always be there to listen and lend a helping hand where it is truly earned and needed.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I am totally pleased with your answers,however,I am sorry to inform you that there is no place to "click" on Accept so that you can be compensated for your time.When I try,they want to get another $23 from me,after telling me I can continue to ask questions until I am satisfied.I was not going to ask any others after this last one ,so I think that this is unfair to both you and me.Thank you for your help.I really appreciate it!
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.
I do understand, and that is perfectly fine. If you are interested in paying a bonus payment that is suitable for yourself for my additional advice, it would be greatly appreciated, and I am certain that we can arrange for that to be accepted. If not, I thank you for the positive rating, and hope that I can be of assistance to you again some time. Thank you!

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