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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I am in constant conflict with my nine year old son. Everytime

Resolved Question:

I am in constant conflict with my nine year old son. Everytime I ask him to pick up his belongings or contribute to a small houshold task he does not do it I repeat my request calmly up to five times and he becomes more angry and shouts at me I shout back and we have a horrible exchange before the task is completed, until the neax time when it all starts again. Is it just overtiredness?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about your situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me for how long has your son presented this behavior and if it is only with you or with everybody else and at every setting?

Customer:

Hello


It seems to be worse with me

Customer:

he can be difficult with his grandma and sometimes with his stepdad


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. How spoiled has he been?

Customer:

he has always been active but he seems to respond well in school and sports classes


 

Customer:

What do you mean by spoiled?


 

Customer:

He has been put on the step for misbehaving


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Spoiling meaning pleasing him with (giving) whatever he wants or asks for.

Customer:

I think he probably gets 50% of what he asks for abd 50% he gets a no


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said you have "threatened" removal of TV and other consequences. How much of this has been consistently implemented?

Customer:

we do most things in a routine so he knows not to ask for some thinks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Last question: what does his stepfather does whenever he misbehaves this way towards you?

Customer:

I usually explain the reason I am not happy with some behaviour


I carry out the threats usually turning off the tv or putting him in his room 50% of the time

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks.

Customer:

His step father stays very quiet and usually talks to my sone quietly expressing his disaproval of my sons unpleasant behaviour


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Well, my recommendations are these:

1- Your child is this disrespectful and verbally abusive because he hasn't truly learn to respect you as an authority figure. He knows he could get things, manipulate you and get his way at least %50 of the time if he pushes it. he needs to learn about responsibility, accountability and for that to happen the rules you have at home must be respected and he must comply with them %100 of the time. No exceptions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

2- Whenever you r son gets that abusive and you reply to that becoming verbally and emotionally abusive too (shouting), you are fueling his abuse and manipulation setting yourself at his very same childish level. You need not to repeat an instruction or request more than 2 times. He needs to know that is he does not comply, he will have to afford consequences, and that no matter how much he dislikes them, he will have to do what he needs to do and afford consequences. Your role as a parent is to set rules, implement sound discipline and consequences consistent with what you and your husband have preciously agreed and explained to your child.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

3- If he does make the same mistake, the same misbehavior again, the consequences must be higher, so he would know things would get more limited for him if he keeps doing the wrong thing. Please choose relevant consequences, including things like going outdoors, activities he likes a lot during weekend, etc. Choose what truly matters to him, nothing that would undermine his health for sure, but activities that are enjoyable for him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

4- Your husband must play an active role setting discipline and confronting his negative behaviors right away with you, as soon as they appear, without delay, reminding him about core rules, consequences and offering a second chance.If he does tto comply -no third chance- just implement consequences right away. Both of you need to play the very same role in consistent ways, supporting each other and never remaining passive.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

5- Work on yourself on controlling your emotions so you do not lose your temper when implementing good discipline. A parent does not need to be mean in order to be an effective authority figure, effectively raising a child. When we do become mean like that, we give the message that we stop loving them, which creates real resentment not of his ego, but in his heart, and that creates serious issues around self-esteem and confidence. On the other hand, when we show consistent unconditional affection and good discipline at the same time, we teach them what it means to be respectful, loving, responsible and truly caring.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hope it helps.

Customer:

thank you


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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