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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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How can I minimise the negative influence of my daughters

Customer Question

How can I minimise the negative influence of my daughter's boyfriend on her? I've let her have a lot of freedom with him,even though I think he's not a particularly nice person and taken him on our family holiday because I fear that the consequences of witholding permission would be worse for my long term relationship with her than letting her have this romance. Unfortunately, I have not always managed to stop myself criticising his behaviour. They've been seeing each other for seven months now and my worse fear is that they might continue for many more months,right through my daughter'smost important year of school. She's almost 16 and he willbe 18 next month.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 3 years ago.

KansasTherapist :


KansasTherapist :

I agree with your efforts so far.

KansasTherapist :

It is so tough, as a parent, to see you child in a relationship with someone you don't think is right for them, but it's too easy to make things worse by trying to intervene. Fortunately, most young romances last long. Circumstances most often pull the couple apart. There is a lot of tongue bitting you need to do, to keep from fighting with her about him. Equally important is how you react when they do break up. You may be very tempted to tell her how glad you are that they aren't together anymore and he was never good enough for her. This can cause as much hard feelings as comments made while they are still together. It's far better to treat her as though she just broke up with a great guy. Just listen to her and tell her you're sorry things turned out badly for her.

KansasTherapist :

I hope this is helpful.

KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience: 17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
KansasTherapist and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  earthsister replied 3 years ago.
Good afternoon. I do not know when your daughter will be 16, or what state you are from, but with the age of consent being 16 in most states, I would at least make my daughter aware of this in the case that she will still be 15 when he is 18. This way she can minimize any legalities that may fall on her boyfriend. Secondly, I do understand your concerns of making your relationship difficult with your daughter, however as parents of minors in relationships, the possible burdens of broken hearts, teenage pregnancy, or contracting sexually transmitted diseases falls on the parent; this is what I think your daughter must understand regardless of the age of her boyfriend.

The wisest thing that you can do is continue to have open conversations with your daughter; and I suggest that you do express your concerns, in a fair and calm manner. Make sure that you are clear with her about the rules and boundaries that you have for her in how she can deal with her boyfriend, and if you don't have any rules, I suggest you make some. The reality is that your daughter's boyfriend will be an adult while she is technically still a child. The experiences that he is soon to have will be adult experiences, which your daughter may feel that she has to keep up with for fear of losing him to a more mature woman. Assure your daughter that she will be an adult much longer than she will be a child, and that these adult experiences can wait, at least 2-3 more years; she should enjoy her childhood while she still has it. If you need any clarity on this answer, please message for earthsister. Thank you.

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