Hi there... I hope to be of some assistance to you here... I am sorry you are stuck in such a difficult situation with your daughter right now, but there may be a way through it...
You hit the nail on the head when you said she is angry; it sounds as if she feels that it is her right to show you just how angry she is! She witnessed you fall victim to your ex-husband's verbal abuse for quite sometime, and so there may be a pattern where she is going to attempt to manipulate you until you stop her.
Healthy boundaries must be put into place for all to know the rules to abide by. It sounds as if this may be step #1...
yes i can see that but she tries to yell over me and use intimidation like he did and i have tried quiet talking but it always becomes her trying to overpower me so its stressful
Let her know that you are guessing she is taking out some anger, but that it is no longer going to be tolerated in this fashion. What she can do is express her feelings calmly and you can talk, but that yelling, shouting, tantruming, etc... will no longer be tolerated. Model healthy communication for her with "I" messages and no blaming, such as "I feel hurt when you speak to me this way, and have decided that I will no longer tolerate it." Consequences must be agreed upon, and followed through on... you won't help her out if she is disrespectful to you, etc...
she is not receptive to me even suggesting she help-- ive said to her--feelm free to do those dishes ,,or cook once a week etc but no response--shes 22 yrs
i fear she has already modelled her behaviour on her fathers and that is why shes being so difficult-however there should be house rules i afree
Don't ask; tell her exactly what you expect of her, and what you will do in return. She sounds as if she is feeling very entitled, and it will be up to you to give that "tough love" to put a stop to it. It isn't easy at first, but it can be done.
There is a book that I love to recommend; it is called "The Power of Positive Parenting" by Glenn Latham. He talks about how to give guidance and direction in clear & healthy ways, and it will be a great resource for your younger one, as well as this older daughter... to give you some new language to use when speaking to her.
well its hard i already have alot to do for the younger girl with the autism--getting her to do things is difficult in the extreme--- so am stressed..i was horrified by maddys shs the older girl her comment on cutting ties really hurt me and i wondered where ir came from as i have been good to her
I can understand totally; you have endured a great deal of stress, no doubt!
Kids rebel and push us away at times... it is up to us to stay calm and give strong leadership, even when we are feeling like jello inside! ;-)
yes its been hard also we live in cramped conditions at present- i have to look for a new place to rent--that makes it worse and i am doing a piano exam--my only real activity- and she complains when i practice+++ i do try to stay calm but she yells and wont listen to quiet talking much..
she varies too in how she talks to me.. and i hope she doesnt have something like her father who has a personality disorder--shes very difficult but can be nice with friends or in company==doesnt bo
\ther to be nice with me though
i wilol try to get the book but getting her to help me with anything is practically impossible-she just goes out ina huff and sees her friends
She just may be looking for some power in a situation where she felt powerless, or she may just be defending herself from hurt. If you can kind of understand where it is coming from, it may help you to stay calm. But by no means should you tolerate disrespect... just show her that it won't work to accomplish what she is looking to with it. If you need to practice and she yells, show her the lease with your name on it and let her know that you pay the rent! ;-) You both can agree on the terms of living together with some simple discussion and modifications. But, inevitably, remember: "We teach people how to treat us"... so teach her what is acceptable and what isn't.
she is trying to get the upper hand i know that--but a power struggle isnt going mto get us anywhere i model good and decent behaviour with others but hard to think she feels powerless-unless anger is shown by that is it? the defence thing- yes that is probably there-she has put up a wall between us and that happened a long time ago-- i dont know why it happened, she used to be nicer when younger,,, its sad,,, can i talk a bit later to you as i hav e to go out now>?
Here is a quick link to one short article that may give you some ideas: http://www.ehow.com/list_6322440_tips-positive-parenting-skills.html
Sure! Just reply when you can; if I am online, I will respond, and if not, I will respond as soon as I am back online!! :-)
thanks well sorry i have to go it was good, its pretty hard to get on with her , and teach what is acceptable- especially because shes older and more established in her ways i will come back to you later today if i can or else i can further the question ...ok thanks Pippa
I totally understand, but I do believe that it is never too late for establishing boundaries with those we love about what we will and will not tolerate... and sure, we can always pick up the chat again at a later date! My very best to you!! :-)