How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Heidi LPC Your Own Question

Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
Type Your Parenting Question Here...
Heidi LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am divorced now have been for about 18months. I had to leave

Resolved Question:

I am divorced now have been for about 18months. I had to leave an abusive relationship-- it got to the stage where i felt i didnt have a choice--his verbal abuse and manipulative behaviour was so bad...he is narcissistic and has probably got a personality disorder, also we have a younger child on the autism spectrum and his behaviour and yelling at me were traumatic for her..she seems happier since we left. However my older daughter is siding with her father-they stayed together for a while after i left, then she moved in with me, and she is behaving badly to me and is hostile-she says she is just here for convenience adn says she will move out when she can afford it.. shes a uni student doing Psychology 3rd year!!! She has been going through my things when i was at work adnwe had an argument over things I wanted to keep- this seemed to trigger a lot more hostility--i have always supported her adn the whole family by working for many year s as a nurse/midwife..her dad was an artist who did not work much, -they had lots of time together when she was growing up and she is close to him, .she is very hostile and mean now, to me, wont help with any housework, and says . to make things worse- and to punish me for divorcing her dad i think, that when she moves out she will cut all ties with me!!! what can i do? Ive never been in this position before. The younger girl who has ASD is more settled and happy. Maybe she needs a counsellor- she always seems angry with me, she wont really talk to me.. Please help,,,,Pippa
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Heidi LPC :

Hi there... I hope to be of some assistance to you here... I am sorry you are stuck in such a difficult situation with your daughter right now, but there may be a way through it...


 

Heidi LPC :

You hit the nail on the head when you said she is angry; it sounds as if she feels that it is her right to show you just how angry she is! She witnessed you fall victim to your ex-husband's verbal abuse for quite sometime, and so there may be a pattern where she is going to attempt to manipulate you until you stop her.


 

Heidi LPC :

Healthy boundaries must be put into place for all to know the rules to abide by. It sounds as if this may be step #1...


 

Customer:

yes i can see that but she tries to yell over me and use intimidation like he did and i have tried quiet talking but it always becomes her trying to overpower me so its stressful


 

Heidi LPC :

Let her know that you are guessing she is taking out some anger, but that it is no longer going to be tolerated in this fashion. What she can do is express her feelings calmly and you can talk, but that yelling, shouting, tantruming, etc... will no longer be tolerated. Model healthy communication for her with "I" messages and no blaming, such as "I feel hurt when you speak to me this way, and have decided that I will no longer tolerate it." Consequences must be agreed upon, and followed through on... you won't help her out if she is disrespectful to you, etc...

Customer:

she is not receptive to me even suggesting she help-- ive said to her--feelm free to do those dishes ,,or cook once a week etc but no response--shes 22 yrs


 

Customer:

i fear she has already modelled her behaviour on her fathers and that is why shes being so difficult-however there should be house rules i afree


 

Customer:

agree


 

Heidi LPC :

Don't ask; tell her exactly what you expect of her, and what you will do in return. She sounds as if she is feeling very entitled, and it will be up to you to give that "tough love" to put a stop to it. It isn't easy at first, but it can be done.


 

Heidi LPC :

There is a book that I love to recommend; it is called "The Power of Positive Parenting" by Glenn Latham. He talks about how to give guidance and direction in clear & healthy ways, and it will be a great resource for your younger one, as well as this older daughter... to give you some new language to use when speaking to her.


 

Customer:

well its hard i already have alot to do for the younger girl with the autism--getting her to do things is difficult in the extreme--- so am stressed..i was horrified by maddys shs the older girl her comment on cutting ties really hurt me and i wondered where ir came from as i have been good to her


 

Heidi LPC :

I can understand totally; you have endured a great deal of stress, no doubt!

Heidi LPC :

Kids rebel and push us away at times... it is up to us to stay calm and give strong leadership, even when we are feeling like jello inside! ;-)


 

Customer:

yes its been hard also we live in cramped conditions at present- i have to look for a new place to rent--that makes it worse and i am doing a piano exam--my only real activity- and she complains when i practice+++ i do try to stay calm but she yells and wont listen to quiet talking much..


 

Customer:

she varies too in how she talks to me.. and i hope she doesnt have something like her father who has a personality disorder--shes very difficult but can be nice with friends or in company==doesnt bo


\ther to be nice with me though

Customer:

i wilol try to get the book but getting her to help me with anything is practically impossible-she just goes out ina huff and sees her friends


 

Heidi LPC :

She just may be looking for some power in a situation where she felt powerless, or she may just be defending herself from hurt. If you can kind of understand where it is coming from, it may help you to stay calm. But by no means should you tolerate disrespect... just show her that it won't work to accomplish what she is looking to with it. If you need to practice and she yells, show her the lease with your name on it and let her know that you pay the rent! ;-) You both can agree on the terms of living together with some simple discussion and modifications. But, inevitably, remember: "We teach people how to treat us"... so teach her what is acceptable and what isn't.


 

Customer:

she is trying to get the upper hand i know that--but a power struggle isnt going mto get us anywhere i model good and decent behaviour with others but hard to think she feels powerless-unless anger is shown by that is it? the defence thing- yes that is probably there-she has put up a wall between us and that happened a long time ago-- i dont know why it happened, she used to be nicer when younger,,, its sad,,, can i talk a bit later to you as i hav e to go out now>?


?

Heidi LPC :

Here is a quick link to one short article that may give you some ideas: http://www.ehow.com/list_6322440_tips-positive-parenting-skills.html


 

Heidi LPC :

Sure! Just reply when you can; if I am online, I will respond, and if not, I will respond as soon as I am back online!! :-)


 

Customer:

thanks well sorry i have to go it was good, its pretty hard to get on with her , and teach what is acceptable- especially because shes older and more established in her ways i will come back to you later today if i can or else i can further the question ...ok thanks Pippa


 

Heidi LPC :

I totally understand, but I do believe that it is never too late for establishing boundaries with those we love about what we will and will not tolerate... and sure, we can always pick up the chat again at a later date! My very best to you!! :-)

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Heidi LPC and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Family Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    108
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Family Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    108
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/jhollo77/2010-2-6_651_Avatar.jpg Jennifer's Avatar

    Jennifer

    School Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    77
    Collaborative parent consultation on everything from modifying behavior to child development.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/VO/vodkas25/2012-1-29_16528_P1010831.64x64.JPG professional_Alison's Avatar

    professional_Alison

    Child Care

    Satisfied Customers:

    77
    Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    40
    Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KA/KaterB1270/2012-5-2_17226_016.64x64.jpg KaterB1270's Avatar

    KaterB1270

    Teacher

    Satisfied Customers:

    18
    BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KA/Kansastherapist/2012-6-13_171911_4upon20120220at14.64x64.jpg KansasTherapist's Avatar

    KansasTherapist

    LSCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    17
    17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/JA/JACUSTOMERbryjz898/2012-5-23_93829_me2.64x64.jpg Adviser Mills C.C.D.'s Avatar

    Adviser Mills C.C.D.

    Child Care

    Satisfied Customers:

    15
    15 years Plus, Preschool Owner, Teen Mentor