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Ask earthsister Your Own Question

earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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My son Has taken a real turn for the worse. He has just turned

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My son Has taken a real turn for the worse. He has just turned fifteen, hates me his mum, my husband who is not his biological father, Emily his four year old half sister and resents anyone who gets more attention than him. I have tried my best for him but trying to get him to do basic things like bringing his laundry down his homework, revision for his exams, it's been a huge pressure cooker. On top of that we have found out that he has been smoking. He tried to run away from home and we called the police. That's when the worst thing happened as when they were looking in his room they found a huge stash of cannabis. He says he likes the area but hates his family. I am so distraught and have sent him to my mums to take some time out and think about things but he has Said he never wants to come back home because of the arguments, any thoughts as I have never felt so much resentment and it's Breaking my heart.

earthsister :

Good afternoon, I would like to work to assist you today.

earthsister :

If I may ask, how long has he been acting resentful of people and things? And also, is his birth father in his life at all?

Customer: He has been resentful for about a year, in terms of his sibling and my husbands other son who is 14.. His father died before he was born, it's been accentuated recently mainly around exams.
earthsister :

I do understand. You mentioned that you have tried to encourage him, can you give me a bit more insight to how so?

Customer: To show that we all need to work together on this, we are not giving up on him, that we really want him to be happy in his life, started making some suggestions on things that maybe we could do together to make him feel part of the family more than he does at e moment.
earthsister :

What was his response to these suggestions?

Customer: There isn't anything that we can do for him.
earthsister :

Your son is definitely at the age of confusion, where children advance from children into adults quickly, and all of the mental, physical, and social changes can be frustrating for him. Especially considering that he is growing into becoming a man, and the one man that he would really need, and look to for guidance, his father, is not in his life. Has your son ever had counseling for coping with the loss of his father, or for his drug use?

Customer: not yet but considering things really.
earthsister :

I definitely recommend that you seek a counselor to help you and your son through this stage in his life. Make a trip to his pediatrician as well, and he or she should be able to give you good recommendations for the exact type of counselor you need. I also can provide you with a link to search for a counselor in your area that can be of assistance if you would like.

Customer: That's useful thanks.
earthsister :

No problem, I'll get that to you in one moment; also,try to calmly talk to your son about his marijuana use in a non threatening and controlling way. Ask him why does he smoke it, how much does it cost, who does he smoke with, and where.

earthsister :

Let him know the reasons that you don't approve of it, that its illegal, it could prevent him from getting a job, and cause problems to his health in the long run

earthsister :

http://www.goodtherapy.org/

Customer: Yes we had that discussion with the police who said the same and have not said anything in a threatening way he won't give us the names of the individuals.
earthsister :

You can use this link to search your zip code for a therapist in your area

earthsister :

and that's fine too, don't pressure him to tell you these things.

earthsister :

that can be more reason to run him away. Use the fact of your caring about his well being and health as your reason for getting him involved in these counseling sessions. I definitely think that he is hurting about the loss of his father

earthsister :

although it was a while ago, as I've mentioned, he is in a tender state in his growth into manhood, and he really needs the guidance of his father now.

earthsister :

Did you get the link that I sent?

Customer: Yes I did thanks, XXXXX XXXXX has tried his best to be a good parent to him and it's not that he doesn't get guidance from him. Ben never saw his Dad but my he has seen Andrew for the last 8 years..
earthsister :

And I do understand, however a step parent can only be a step parent. When a child knows that they have a real mother or father who is not in there life somewhere, they do not forget that fact. Especially as they age and begin questioning things more and more. Your husband is doing well to try to be a good parent to him; however he can never be his father, and that has to be understood and respected by each of you.

earthsister :

I also recommend rewarding your son for his good deeds more often. Let him know that you want to rebuild the trust that you have in him, and that you want him to trust you as well. Give him the chance to work with you in formulating the rules and punishments you set for him. Ask him what does he think is a fair punishment, or fair rules. Although you may not agree with his answer, at least you could try to meet him halfway. This way, he sees that you are giving him input into his own life; which can be real important for teens at this age as they are seeking to be independent from their parents. Show him that you trust him by giving him little responsibilities, and when he does follow through, reward him for it. I also definitely recommend that you get your son involved in as many extracurricular activities as you can. If his passion is music, get him in a music program, if he likes sports, get him on a team, if he likes computers or video games, search for a computer program for youth in your area. He needs to stay busy with productive activities so that he has no time for the unproductive ones. A lot will go into this, but first things first, start with your pediatrician and a counselor now. Please don't give up on your son, you may not be all that he has, but you are the most important. If there is anything else that you need help with regarding this or another parenting issue, please don't hesitate to message for me, "earthsister." I wish you and your family the best.

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