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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
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Hello, what do i do in this situation, when i discipline my

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Hello, what do i do in this situation, when i discipline my son, e.g put him on time out he will say he hates me, then when he has calmed down he says he hates himself and he thinks everyone hates him. I have never told him I hate him and i try and reassure him that people don't hate him. He also says he is such a bad person because of what he done (for example he will say he is a bad person because he pushed his friend) however I try and say hes not bad its just pushing that is bad. Don't know if this is correct? Also he cry/winges a lot if he can't do something, he doesn't do this in a tantrum way, it actually seems like he is generally upset. Another thing he does is smacks himself in the face but he does this while he is being silly and laughing and trying to make others to laugh. One problem I have is getting him home after school, he wants to go to nannys or the park and sometimes I will want to go home so he will play up (e.g walk slowly and cry and mess about)
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your question. I have seen a lot of children do these types of behaviors. May I ask you how old he is? That will help with my answer...
Jen Helant, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have my bachelors degree in psychology. I worked with children. Since then I have raised and still raising 3 wonderful boys.
Jen Helant and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
he is 5 years old
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
I am so sorry I was writing for the last 15 minutes and when I sent it for some reason your answer came and since I was on the other page my answer did not go through due to the fact I was on the old page. I apologize for this. I will rewrite it
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi I am so sorry. I actually wrote it a 2nd time and my computer froze up and needed to restart it. Unbelievable, but I did not want to keep you hanging. Sorry for the long wait.
Children know us very well and they tend to play on our emotions. They know our strengths and our weaknesses as well as how to get our soft spots. It is very important that we do not mix emotion with discipline. If we do then we may either loose control and loose our temper or we may nit discipline enough because we feel bad or sad. Therefore it is important to not Let our feelings get in the way.
When your son says he hates you during time out he is just calling for attention. He knows that will bother you that is why he says it. You can talk to him when time out is over and ask him why he feels like that, but most likely he will not even care to talk and it was all because he was trying to get your attention during time out. But it is good to communicate to be sure. However, while he is in time out do not allow him to talk or cry. Tell him his time out will not start until he is quiet and if he does during then that time will nit be counted And more time will be added or you can choose to have a privilege or toy taken away. Do not allow him to say anything during the time out then you will not have that issue and if he truly feels that way he will say it other times when is he is not in trouble and you can talk with him about this. I am almost positive the reason he does that is to call your attention in the time out.
When he acts out when you want to go home. Let him know firmly that you are going home today and that you would be willing to go another day to Nannys or the park. Also, let him know that there will be consequences if he does not cooperate, such as nit going to the park next time, being in time out when get home, having something taken away, or etc. YOU can choose, but these are some examples.
I am nit concerned about him hitting his head because seems like he is trying to make people laugh, but if YOU do not like that you can let him know that he can hurt himself and you rather him find other ways to make people laugh. If he was doing it out of anger then I would be mire concerned.
Communication is important even at this young age. When he gets upset and acts in ways you do not approve let him know that everyone gets upset and has that right. Give him some examples child appropriate showing how YOU too get upset. Express to him that even when we get upset we can not hurt other peoples feelings or disrespect them. We still need to do the right thing, but we can cope with our sadness in ways that wont bother others.
YOU are right on when you tell him that he is not bad, but hus behavior of pushing is bad. We should never call our children bad, but we can tell them what they did was not right. So YOU are correct. Talk to him And see why he thinks he is bad and ask him what he thinks about the pushing or whatever it may be in the future.
There are a few keys to help your situation. First is consistency. That is very important. When children tend to misbehave we can get used TO their behavior and miss some disciplining, but it is important to be on our toes because if we do it once and not another that will not help the situation and can make it worse. Next is not letting our feelings get in the way as I explained in the beginning. That way we will be discilpling appropriately. Sometimes parents feel bad to be firm or discipline, but that is really doing worse fir the future of the child, so it is best not to feel bad about disciplining, but rather not disciplining. Next, is show love, but that does not mean run and give him a kiss when he is in time out. Needs to be at appropriate times or the children will play on it. Lastly, communication. It is important to at the appropriate times let YOUR child know what he did wrong and why as well as get to understand his thought and feelings.
I understand this is all easier said than done, but if you be consistent you will see improvement. Some parents notice it getting worse because the children are not used to the new discipline ways, but then in a few days or weeks they see a huge difference. Remember consistency extremely important without that nothing will work. The reward chart that YOU are doing is good as well, but being consistent with that is just as important.
There is a a book club called " help me be good" they are good children stories about real topics. They have helped children and the children enjoy them. They have topics such as being messy, tantrums, showing respect, sharing, and etc. They are really great. You can check for that online.
I wish you all the best with Your son. Remember he will not change overnight, but if you be consistent you will be sure to see a change. Take it day by day. Step by step.
Again, I apologize for my computer issues. This is the 3 rd time I am writing this and hope I included everything as I did the first 2 times. All the best to you and I hope that this was helpful!
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi, I noticed that you have not rated my answer yet. The only way I am paid is if you provide positive feedback for me. Please let me know if you would like me to clarify or help in any way. Thanks and All the best!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello, sorry for late reply, my son doesn't just say he hates himself or he hates me when hes on time out he says it at other times too. For example if i say hes not a loud a packet of crisps, he will say you are nasty mummy. Then sometimes for example he will say about himself that he thinks he is nasty because he doesn't share, he will say something along the lines of "ohhh i'm nasty I don't share my toys". And I know you say to not mix emotions with disaplin, so is it wrong to be empathetic?
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.

HI,

I understand your concerns. It may not be when he is in time out, but it still seems to be following a pattern. For example, he is not allowed the crisps that means he is upset with you. Just like with the time out he is upset with you and wants to get your attention for you to feel bad and take him out of time out. As with the chips he wants you to feel bad for not giving you the chips and therefore change your mind and give it to him. He is very smart and playing on your emotions. I believe it is not wrong at all to be empathetic. It is the best thing you can do when you are disciplining. Of course you are not going to be like that all the time. You will have feelings and show him love and affection, but its just at the disciplining time. Don't let him play on your emotions. The best thing you can do is when he says anything disrespectful to you is to put him in time out or take something away from him that he likes. Let him know that you are serious and whatever he says is not going to change your mind. In a few weeks he will get it and be on the road to change. You just need to be consistent with it. If you let him get away with it now then it only gets worse. Trust me I have seen it happen time and time again. Then when they are older they are even harder to discipline and change. Now is the prime age. They understand everything and know how to play on the soft spots. Now is a crucial time. If you let him get away with it then it will get worse, but if you stop it now he can change and not do this in the future and avoid getting worse. If it gets worse then as a teenager he will walk all over you and do what he wants. It does not change by itself. But it is not as difficult as it seems. Just be consistent and don't let him play on your emotions. You will start to see the difference very quickly. He just needs to know that you men business.

About what he says about he is nasty because he does not share. He could be being oppositional. Some children have that nature. For example they know that you do not like that, so they say that is what they are. For that just say you are not nasty, but it is not a nice thing to do when you do not share. It is important to share with others because we like when people share with us. Ask him how he would like others to treat him and explain why we must treat people how we want to be treated. When he talks like that you can use it as an opportunity to teach, but when he says anything disrespectful to you put him immediately in time out or take something he enjoys away.

I have seen many parents in this situation and the thing they all had in common was the consistency with the disciplining and feeling bad and giving in. When they fixed this they started on the road to recovery.

Stay positive and just do what you need to do in those situations. When he makes you feel bad remind yourself that you are helping his future and if you give in then you are just hurting him in the long run.

Again, I wish you all the best and if you ever need me in the future you can always request me in the title line!

It was good to hear back from you and hope I was of help to you.

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