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Ask earthsister Your Own Question

earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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My son at times talks to himself while playing and would often

Resolved Question:

My son at times talks to himself while playing and would often say he's dad's name (I have since split with my son's father) and I'm worried that he could become resentful at me for taking him away from his dad or develop behaviour problems later on in life due to this separation period. I have since moved on and am engaged in which my son loves my fiancee and has come to call him daddy without being prompted and I feel my son is connected and very much love's my fiancee already, yet there are times when he will say his fathers name and it worries me. My ex partner is able to contact his son and I am not stopping him from seeing our son at all, yet I do feel bad about putting my son in this situation at such a young age.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.

earthsister :

Good morning, I would like to work to assist you today. How often is it that your son does see his father, and what kind of relationship do you have with his father?

Customer:

We have since moved overseas now so he doesn't see his father at all now. We did go back a month ago and he saw his father for the full 4 days we were there.

earthsister :

So how long have you all been overseas now?

Customer:

I don't know how to describe my relationship with his father. Its been rather hard coming to terms with our relationship being over and well I'm trying and my ex partner is trying to get along for our son's sake. Just a bit of background, my ex partner and I got married in 2007, but just last year I found out that we were never legally married, no one filed our marriage papers after we got married so I'm having a hard time working around calling him my ex husband or now my ex partner, as well as saying I was ever married. thank you for your time

Customer:

its been 4 months now

earthsister :

No problem, I am here to help

earthsister :

So this change, the break up and the move is fairly new for you all?

Customer:

yes

earthsister :

Does your son get to talk to his father on the telephone regularly, email, chat, or write him?

Customer:

yes they talk every week

earthsister :

Your son calls your fiancee Daddy, what does he call his own father?

Customer:

daddy as well

earthsister :

That can be rather confusing for his young mind, do you think>

Customer:

absolutely I agree with you. My son however has come to know the difference between the two men and often says daddy and then their names.

earthsister :

Ok, I do understand.

earthsister :

I would, however suggest that you make it known and understood yo your son that his father is his "Daddy." Maybe a different poet name, like "Baba" or something can be developed for your fiancee, but there has to be a title that belongs to his father, and his father alone.

earthsister :

I am sorry, I meant "to your son."

earthsister :

I do have more to say, if you can refrain from rating me just yet.

earthsister :

and I also meant "a different "pet name"

Customer:

Sorry but I am not pressing any buttons

earthsister :

no, that is fine. I have a hard time in the chat with customers at times. Sometimes they rate my response before I even give one

earthsister :

Thank you for your patience

earthsister :

Besides the titles, I definitely think that a lot has changed for your son in a short amount of time. His father is now miles away, where he cannot see him and develop a face to face relationship with him, yet there is another man present who (probably in his young mind) is meant to "fill Daddy's shoes." As he grows, and comes to understand more about things, he may develop some sort of resentment; and it may not be directed at you, it could be at his own father, or even your fiancee. I think this is an important reason why the line is drawn now to establish who his "Daddy" is, and let that title be his and only his. I also think that it would help when you hear your son say his father's name, tell him to call him "Daddy." He may hear you speak his father's name, and this is why he uses his actual name, instead of the term "Daddy."

earthsister :

I think that it would also be a good thing if he can speak to his father more than once a week. Out of sight out of mind happens to young children too. I am not saying that your son can forget who his father is, but keeping his father as present in his life as possible (especially from so far away) will help your son to maintain his security in who he is (in having a strong relationship with his birth father).

Customer:

thank you very much for your advise and insight into my situation. I totally agree with you on all the things you've said and will look to do this with my son. From a young age he has always said his fathers name to him or me, yet has never said my name to me even when his father tells him to call me by my name. I don't know what that means for my son but that's what he does.

Customer:

I have grown up in a family where I have half brothers and sisters and they have never called my father by his name as they grew up with my dad. Their biological father left them when they were young and they have only come to know of him now that they are married and have children. So I know where my son's coming from with calling two men by the same name

earthsister :

You are more than welcome.

earthsister :

So does your son's father ask him to call him Daddy, or by his actual name?

Customer:

he asks him to call him daddy.

earthsister :

ok, I see

Customer:

I just didn't see how my son would call him by his name at times but call my mummy, mum even when his father would try and tell him to call me by my name

earthsister :

Do you speak his father's name often around him, or does he hear it often?

Customer:

i guess a bit of both

Customer:

but his father calls me by my name and so do the people around me so its the same for us both

earthsister :

I understand. Well, maybe he just likes Daddy's name. However, I do still suggest stressing that his father is "Daddy,"; this way the personal connection that traditionally exists between a father and son is nurtured , even from the great distance that they are apart. And I know it may seem old fashioned, but encourage your son to draw Daddy pictures, write him letters, and send them in the mail (and suggest to his father that he writes back). This can be a valuable learning experience for him, and help to keep the bond between father and son strong.

Customer:

Yes thank you for your advise, I have been doing that with him and telling him about his father when he asks, so thank you once again

Customer:

I am about to sign off now thank you once again for your wonderful responses and assistance with my situation and questions.

earthsister :

No problem, again you are welcome. If you do think I have been of assistance, I would graciously appreciate a positive rating, and if there is any other way that I can be of assistance to you on this or any future parenting issues, please message for "earthsister." Thank you.

Customer:

Thank you once again I shall do that

earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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