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earthsister
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience:  Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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hi, my husband and I have been married for a year and we

Resolved Question:

hi,
my husband and I have been married for a year and we have been together for four years. i have a daughter from a previous relationship, who is nine. we are expecting a baby in december. i feel he is too hard on her and gets very cross over her not eating her potatoes or angry that she leaves a mess. theres hardly ever a day goes by where he is not saying she is not listening or does complain about her behaviour.she loves him to pieces and calls him daddy and is not cheeky to him.he just feels things are not going his way.we are not talking today and he likes to find his answers at the bottom of a bottle of wine. i try to reason with him but he justs gets in such a huff.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.

earthsister :

Good evening, I would like to work to assist you today. You say that you have tried reasoning with him; in what kinds of ways?

Customer:

good evening,

earthsister :

Hi

Customer:

say if my daughter has done something wrong i would agree with the punishment like not allowed to play or eat sweets even though i might not agree with him.

earthsister :

So basically, you agree with him verbally with things concerning your daughter, whether you truly agree inside or not?

Customer:

sometimes yeah.because i don;t want him to feel underpowered and it easier that way. but when i say to leave it or go forget about it he gets so cross. he comes from a scriter background than i do


 

earthsister :

I do understand. I will first say that you have the right idea about working to be united with your spouse in decisions regarding your daughter. As parents, it is important that our children see both of their parents working together in cohesion, so that the child doesn't learn to use your differences of opinion against you, and also so that no one parent (or step parents looks to be the bad guy (or girl). I do think however, that you must make an effort to talk to your husband about how you two discipline your daughter, so that you are truly on the same page, not just agreeing so not to cause an argument.

Customer:
earthsister :

Firstly, your husband must understand and respect that your daughter is Your Daughter, and that you should be the primary decision maker on things involving her; behavior and all. When your baby (which is both of yours) is born, he will then be on an equal footing in making parenting decisions; however with your 9 year old, she is your birth child, and the daughter of another man, and he must respect that.

Customer:

when i do sit down with him he always picks at all the wee things that iis wrong.even picks at the things i do wrong. i feel i can;t do anything right.

earthsister :

When you do speak to him, make sure that it is when the two of you are in good spirits. Be honest with him, and let him know how you feel about the situation. Explain to him that you are her birth mother, and the one who rightfully should make decisions regarding her. Let him know that he has a say as well, but that the two of you need to talk through these issues together first in order to come to an agreement. I am surer that your husband would not want to appear to be the villain to your daughter. Help him to understand how this can happen as she ages. She may begin to realize that he is not her father, and feel that he is over stepping his boundaries in how he disciplines her.

earthsister :

Does he himself have any other children?

Customer:

no he doesn't have any other children. he thinks this one will always do what is told.which may not be the way. i feel if he meet in the middle it would be better. it would break his heart if i told him it was up to me what way she was disciplined. it should be up to the two of us.its where we live aswell. we live right beside my parents and if we say she has had enough sweets next thing my parents give her more and this makes him cross too!!. she knows that he is not her birth father.

earthsister :

Right, I agree, you definitely want him to be included in the decision making. However what appears to me is that you let him make all of the decisions, and you just chose to agree so not to cause an argument, this will not do.

earthsister :

Him not having children may be an important factor in his ability to understand how to parent. If he does not (and even if he does have children), he may need a little guidance in regards XXXXX XXXXX parenting techniques. You and your husband may benefit by seeking a parenting counselor to help guide the two of you through these tough times. Your husband may be feeling the pressure of about to be a new dad himself, and is having a hard time dealing with his own emotions, thus taking it out on you and your daughter.

earthsister :

He probably can't understand how it would feel to have someone else make all the disciplinary choices for his child when the child is not the other persons as well, however it is up to you to help him understand that fact. What is most important is your daughter and her well being. I would think that you, being her mother and the one who has parenting experience would be the best knower of how to discipline her, and this is what he fails to understand.

earthsister :

The biggest hurdle here is not getting your daughter to listen to him, but getting him to listen to you. Again, if he is not willing to hear you out in any of this, counseling may be the best option for your family. Here is a link that provides a method for you to search for the right therapist in your area that may be able to assist the two of you through this parenting issue: http://www.goodtherapy.org/

Customer:

i make the decisions as well. i think it will work out ok.its hard for him.he has no family or friends living nearby and he feels alone sometimes.she is my number one priority and i always put her first.


 

Customer:

thanks for the website


 

earthsister :

No problem. If you do not think that counseling will help, here is one more link that mirrors much of what I have previously recommended, on how to get your blended family on the same page:http://www.empoweringparents.com/My-Blended-Family-Wont-Blend-Help-Part1-How-to-get-on-the-same-page-with-your-spouse.php?&key=Blended.step-Families

earthsister :

I know this has to be rough. You love your daughter unconditionally, yet you also love your husband and want everything to work out with your family. Continue to talk with your husband through this, calmly, yet honestly and seriously. You know what is best for your daughter, so I definitely do not recommend backing down to your husband in regards XXXXX XXXXX your daughter is disciplined. I agree, the two of you should work together, however as her mother, and her biological parent, you have the right away, and your decision making of how your daughter is raised should ultimately be the final straw.

Customer:

ok thanks for your advice. off to bed. good night.

Customer:
earthsister, Parent
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 141
Experience: Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.
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earthsister
earthsister
Parenting Counselor
141 Satisfied Customers
Home Child Care Provider, and mother of 4; two pre-teen boys and twin baby girls.