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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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HI I am wanting some advice please. My partner and I have

Customer Question

HI I am wanting some advice please. My partner and I have 5 children between us..my three all live out in the community. My partners two children came to live with us un expectedly at the ages of 15 and 17years of age.One of my sons lived with us for 8 months another for 1month the other never has. They both complete university this year and the younger one is now living with her boyfriend. The older one aged 23 states that he will be living back with us for maybe a year. I dont want this for several reasons: I feel he is old enough to be out on his own: if he does stay for a year i wont beable to have my grandchildren stay at all due to lack of bedrooms and i dont want this: i probably sound selfish but i believe that i have made alot of sacrifices during this relationship in relation to my own children and i am not prepared to continue doing this. my theory is my partner and i should be setting the guidelines for how long he can live with us when he finishes varsty, not him. he is in the process of applying for work which looks very promising. am i being selfish. if i am totally honest iwas pissed off with the fact that the kids mother decided that she felt the kids would be better off with us and just brought them round. i suppose i am annoyed that i did not have any say in the matter. i have tried hard to cope with this over the last 6 years but have had enough. i am feeling resentful...am i unreasonable
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.

earthsister :

Good morning, I would like to work to assist you today.

Customer:

Hi


 

earthsister :

Hi,

earthsister :

How was the decision made that the 23 year old would be coming back?

Customer:

we havent really made that decision...my partners son said that he will be at home for a year..and i believe aiming at me that we "cant shake him off that easy"


 

earthsister :

So when he announced that he was coming back, what was your husbands input on the idea?

earthsister :

excuse me, partner

Customer:

firstly he is not my husband we are defacto...he doesnt really discuss it...


probalby for me is it unreasonable to want the young adult to move on with his own life...

Customer:

i believe my partner may find it hard to tell his son that there is a time frame

earthsister :

I do not think that you are being unreasonable, I can definitely understand your concerns, and I do agree that you and your partner should be making that decision together; especially considering that the young man has been in your life since he was basically a child.

earthsister :

I am sorry that you feel that I have not provide you with enough help, I am still here, and would like to work with you through this issue.

earthsister :

I should have kept my signature unavailable, because I was still looking to engage you in conversation, pardon me.

earthsister :

It seems that the most difficult part of this issue, from what you typed in your question will be convincing your partner that you too should have input on this decision, am I correct?

earthsister :

You need to continue to approach your partner about this issue. Help him see that you have been there in his children's lives for 6 yeas already, and that you too feel responsible for setting the rules and guidelines of your home.

earthsister :

A good way to approach your husband, instead of just stating that you think his son is old enough, would be to sat that you know he loves his son, and by encouraging and helping him to live on his own, he would be helping him grow into a responsible man.

earthsister :

excuse me, that is "to say"

Customer:

thank you for your input...as you possibly can tell i feel very strongly and feel very frustrated with the situation..


thank you..

earthsister :

No problem, I can definitely understand your frustration

earthsister :

If his son is to move in with you, it would be important that you and your partner set some ground rules that will help his son toward moving out on his own

Customer:

i also am concerned that the son will blame me...\ i think for me one of the issues is that if i had known that the kids would live with us long term i would not have entered the relationship..i have tried to cope but feel that i am done with coping


 

earthsister :

I know that you have expressed this to your partner, and as gently as you can, express it again

Customer:

yes you are right there needs to be a time frame that is realistic...but also my partner needs to recognise my needs as far as my grandchildren go..i am sick of his children being the first concern.


 

earthsister :

Let your partner be the one to set the rules; you just let him know that rules need to be set, and that it's for the best, XXXXX XXXXX son's growth into a man.

earthsister :

Suggest to your partner that his son helps with the yard work, cleaning around the home, running errands and so on, until he can secure a job of his own, and help out financially around the home; but of course, only temporarily. It would be best to set a timeline, because otherwise, him staying there may drag on from months to years. Be primarily a guide to your partner, as he sets the rules and standards, putting your input in as you see fit. Here is a nice article that may help you and your partner develop a strategy for how to deal with his son moving in temporarily:http://www.livestrong.com/article/90356-deal-adult-child-home/

earthsister :

I do see that you attempted to accept my answer at some point during this chat, and I thank you; unfortunately that time I had my "Accept Button" disabled, which is what I should have done in the beginning when we were opening the chat. Either way, I will leave my accept button available for your return if you still feel that I have been of some assistance to you. If not, please let me know how better I may be able to assist you. If you have any further questions or comments, please message for "earthsister." I wish you and your family the best.

earthsister :

And one more thought in regards XXXXX XXXXX grandchildren, talk to your partner about this issue in a way that shows support and concern for all of the children involved. Try not to make it a thing of mine, and yours, but rather ours; and stress to him that all of your (our) grandchildren deserve equal love and attention. Maybe suggest to your partner that you all set a calendar; on some visits with the grandchildren it can be his that visit, on the next it can be yours, and when you two feel up to it, get all of the grandkids together at once. This should help in building a bond between the children and one another as well as between you, your partner and both sets of grandchildren. Here is one more resource that I would like to provide you with, that gives further ideas and encouragement for parenting in a blended family: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm

Customer:
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I am joining the conversation because it seems that, despite earthsister's expertise and shared wisdom, this conversation has reached a stalemate without any resolution.

If it is a question of not having enough room, then the obvious solution, if financially viable, would be to get a larger space with more bedrooms. I believe, however, that there is more to this than just having enough room.

It seems that you have a major communication problem with your partner, and that he is unable or unwilling to hear your important needs in this matter. Your need to be nurturing grandparents is more essential than merely providing a living space to a young man, even if he is your partner's son. He is important, of course, and may need some nurturing too, but he is an adult and could find a place nearby and still have the benefit of family close to him.

There can be a compromise here, and should be, to save the relationship, which seems to be reaching a crisis point.

-you must tell your partner that you will not be able to endure his son moving into your space for the long term and that you want to make a compromise and save the relationship. If he refuses to listen, or tries to put you off then you must express to hims that you believe you will not be able to live together under these conditions. You may also suggest that you both go to see a family therapist. Tell him you want to find a solution and continue the relationship with him, but do not think you will be able to psychologically endure this arrangement. In telling him this way, you are not threatening him but you are telling him about your fragile emotional state concerning this matter, and putting leverage on him this way. Now the ball is firmly in his court and he has to respond, hopefully positively, but possibly negatively. This is, in a sense, a test of your commitment to each other, and your mutual regard for this relationship.

-you might decide on a shorter stay until the young man can get on his feet and get a place of his own - something more reasonable like three months with a firm end date agreed to

-you might add that you would like him to be gone (visit his mother) on certain weekends so that you can have your grandchildren over.


Above all, your problem, as stated above, is a difficulty in communication with your partner (and he perhaps being the more difficult and you lacking in knowledge on how to change that).

For communication I recommend the book that, if read and followed, will significantly improve your relationship and communication:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work by John Gottman

If you both want this relationship to continue then you will find compromise and make this work.

If you wish to get back to me with more information, please hit the reply button.

Do not hit the ratings of one or two stars as this puts negative feedback on my permanent record according to JustAnswer's new rating system (yes, even "helped a little" slams me). I am concerned with this new system because I do this for a living. Thank you so much.

I wish you the best in finding the relief and healing that you are seeking.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.
I am glad that you found the answer that wanted, however it is very unfortunate that you feel I have provided you poor service. While we were in the chat, a notification came across my screen stating that you were leaving to accept my answer, but you couldn't because my screen was still in "info request" mode. This is why I left the message stating that I would leave my "accept" available. I do not make it a habit to beg for a high rating or payment, only to do my best to provide you with quality answers, which is what I feel I have done. Because I take great pride in my work, I would like to ask, so that I understand, and can perhaps correct any mistakes on my behalf with my next customer:
What about my service did you find poor, and exactly what information did I fail to provide you that caused you to give me such a poor rating? Again, as a professional, my primary concern is that you get the answers that you need, not that I get paid, however I would appreciate your honest answer, so that I know how to handle these kinds of questions in the future. I thank you in advance.

Earthsister

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