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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1777
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
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What to do with a 16 year old son that has developed an issue.

Resolved Question:

What to do with a 16 year old son that has developed an issue. I take him down and play tennis to help him up his game and he has not really been able to win for years, which is understandable that I am going to have better hand eye cordination, etc. He has been getting lessons over the years and now I snt hinm to camps along with high school tennis to be much better than me. He thinks he is better than me and I really wished that he was a 100x better than me and acted respectfully XXXXX XXXXX like beat me and say great job dad or something. Instead I get someone that is acting out and acting like he's better and calling some of the balls incorrectly on purpose, I believe. Acts psycho when he thinks that he's actually gonna beat me, like I'm a piece of crap and he's Nadal or smoething. Also upset at my shots, which are good. He laughs at me if he gets a point. I let him know that he needs to get some friends and play with them and that I am done. What do you think is going on here?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families. I am also a mom of Twins.

CoachJenK :

Are you my golfing buddy?

CoachJenK :

I think what is going on is that there is too much competition between the two of you. Why not let him play when he wants and get better if he wants? It sounds like he is feeling the pressure and is reacting to it.

Customer:

How do I do this?


Yes, its your golfing buddy who also loves tennis and my kids!

CoachJenK :

I am so glad to hear from yoy

CoachJenK :

so tell me more.

CoachJenK :

you love your kids but he sounds a bit under pressure from it

CoachJenK :

let me know when you are back online so we can chat.

Customer:

have been online whole time

CoachJenK :

ok. I am here too. weird...it said you went offline.

CoachJenK :

ok so give me a bit more history....seems like he may not need to compete with you?

CoachJenK :

maybe find some more common ground to share time?

Customer:

I may sent you something and then check another tab, like email while waiting, but it is only moments if I do.

CoachJenK :

ok no worries.

CoachJenK :

he may not have the same intensity and drive as you do around sports...is that possible?

Customer:

Oh he does, I see see it as. being disrespectful and tht's where I draw the line

CoachJenK :

is he disrespectful in other areas other than the tennis court?

Customer:

mainly to his sister, he is 16 and she is 14. And occasionally tries to do it to me if he isn't getting his way. I then go 360 and do not do what he wany's at all. All the kids in the area have nothing including a Dad and he has great soil, economy etc, but always still wants more and nothing good enough. Most dad's afyer working 30 years would envy his golf equipment, membership. He's had to earn it though somewhat.

CoachJenK :

sounds like a lot of typical adolescent stuff but setting the boundaries are important.

CoachJenK :

and it sounds as if you are doing that well

CoachJenK :

what is frustrating about it all for you?

Customer:

Another good example is I was going to take him golfing and set a tee time for 12:30 and said we would get there at 12:00. Warm up for 9 and play 9 as this paticular course doesn't have a range. Normally, I would only do 9 with him. That's not good enough for the King and started complaining about the whole thing, and so guess what - no golf. So, then he was going to be able to go to his regular membership course by himself instead until he tried a hostile take over and said be ready at 12:00 to me and guess what- no glof at all for him today.

CoachJenK :

Definitely seems like some power play issues going on....and it is so frustrating, but it is typical and normal adolescent stuff.

CoachJenK :

he needs to have some control of things...

CoachJenK :

and when he feels he isnt getting it then he begins to act in the way you describe

CoachJenK :

its interesting that these struggles seem to take place around these sporting events and it makes me wonder if he feels deep down that he cant measure up and truly compete with you and this causes this insecurity leading to disrespect.

Customer:

He contributes nothing to the houshold and thinks he deseves everything the Pro's on tour have. Maybe if he had one of their pay checks we could accomodate. He sees me with the best of everything, but doesn't realize that I worked 25 years ! Trying to help him without pulling us all down.


Yes, but its not reality for him to be able to beat me, even if he could completely clean my clock, I would never expect him to disrespect me or laugh, maybe something like great job dad or thanks for the game. Not be a JERK!

CoachJenK :

I hear you and he needs to learn how to act like a gentleman. so lets set some boundaries where you stop giving him the best of the best and he must earn it. no tee times, tennis stuff unless he is doing what he should be in the house and showing respect, etc.

CoachJenK :

make him earn it...like you have with your hard work

CoachJenK :

There is also a wonderful book on adolescent boys that seem to be unmotivated in the way you describe. http://www.amazon.com/Boys-Adrift-Epidemic-Unmotivated-Underachieving/dp/0465072100/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1339604406&sr=8-2&keywords=parenting+adolescent+boys

Customer:

He is motivated, in fact a City Champion. High Honors student. I am just an amazing athlete and hard to beat at anything, former bodybuilder.

CoachJenK :

ok so why put that dynamic between the two of you...it really seems to me that he is struggling under that pressure and desire....can you let the competitive piece go between you?

CoachJenK :

it may not be on the forefront of your mind but I bet it is in his.

Customer:

how do I do this


can you give me a game plan

CoachJenK :

yes lets talk strategy. I would remove all need for competition right now and spend time together in other ways.

CoachJenK :

I would also sit down with him and let him know what is required of him in the house and the consequences for not holding up his end of the bargain...such as playing golf

CoachJenK :

once the rules and consequences are set up there is no guesswork around what is required.

Customer:

Ok, well I have had far too much of your time! I will sign off now. Let's do this in the future just q and answer as our severs do not connect right or something. thanks for all of your help! Bye the way, I've been averaging 335 yards on my drives!

CoachJenK :

nice work. request me at teh start of your question so it comes to me.

CoachJenK :

and yes Q and A is fine.

CoachJenK :

keep being a great dad and great athlete. bye for noe

CoachJenK :

now

Customer:
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1777
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
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