Have Parenting Questions? Ask a Parenting Counselor for Answers
Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families. I am also a mom of Twins.
Are you my golfing buddy?
I think what is going on is that there is too much competition between the two of you. Why not let him play when he wants and get better if he wants? It sounds like he is feeling the pressure and is reacting to it.
How do I do this?
Yes, its your golfing buddy who also loves tennis and my kids!
I am so glad to hear from yoy
so tell me more.
you love your kids but he sounds a bit under pressure from it
let me know when you are back online so we can chat.
have been online whole time
ok. I am here too. weird...it said you went offline.
ok so give me a bit more history....seems like he may not need to compete with you?
maybe find some more common ground to share time?
I may sent you something and then check another tab, like email while waiting, but it is only moments if I do.
ok no worries.
he may not have the same intensity and drive as you do around sports...is that possible?
Oh he does, I see see it as. being disrespectful and tht's where I draw the line
is he disrespectful in other areas other than the tennis court?
mainly to his sister, he is 16 and she is 14. And occasionally tries to do it to me if he isn't getting his way. I then go 360 and do not do what he wany's at all. All the kids in the area have nothing including a Dad and he has great soil, economy etc, but always still wants more and nothing good enough. Most dad's afyer working 30 years would envy his golf equipment, membership. He's had to earn it though somewhat.
sounds like a lot of typical adolescent stuff but setting the boundaries are important.
and it sounds as if you are doing that well
what is frustrating about it all for you?
Another good example is I was going to take him golfing and set a tee time for 12:30 and said we would get there at 12:00. Warm up for 9 and play 9 as this paticular course doesn't have a range. Normally, I would only do 9 with him. That's not good enough for the King and started complaining about the whole thing, and so guess what - no golf. So, then he was going to be able to go to his regular membership course by himself instead until he tried a hostile take over and said be ready at 12:00 to me and guess what- no glof at all for him today.
Definitely seems like some power play issues going on....and it is so frustrating, but it is typical and normal adolescent stuff.
he needs to have some control of things...
and when he feels he isnt getting it then he begins to act in the way you describe
its interesting that these struggles seem to take place around these sporting events and it makes me wonder if he feels deep down that he cant measure up and truly compete with you and this causes this insecurity leading to disrespect.
He contributes nothing to the houshold and thinks he deseves everything the Pro's on tour have. Maybe if he had one of their pay checks we could accomodate. He sees me with the best of everything, but doesn't realize that I worked 25 years ! Trying to help him without pulling us all down.
Yes, but its not reality for him to be able to beat me, even if he could completely clean my clock, I would never expect him to disrespect me or laugh, maybe something like great job dad or thanks for the game. Not be a JERK!
I hear you and he needs to learn how to act like a gentleman. so lets set some boundaries where you stop giving him the best of the best and he must earn it. no tee times, tennis stuff unless he is doing what he should be in the house and showing respect, etc.
make him earn it...like you have with your hard work
There is also a wonderful book on adolescent boys that seem to be unmotivated in the way you describe. http://www.amazon.com/Boys-Adrift-Epidemic-Unmotivated-Underachieving/dp/0465072100/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1339604406&sr=8-2&keywords=parenting+adolescent+boys
He is motivated, in fact a City Champion. High Honors student. I am just an amazing athlete and hard to beat at anything, former bodybuilder.
ok so why put that dynamic between the two of you...it really seems to me that he is struggling under that pressure and desire....can you let the competitive piece go between you?
it may not be on the forefront of your mind but I bet it is in his.
how do I do this
can you give me a game plan
yes lets talk strategy. I would remove all need for competition right now and spend time together in other ways.
I would also sit down with him and let him know what is required of him in the house and the consequences for not holding up his end of the bargain...such as playing golf
once the rules and consequences are set up there is no guesswork around what is required.
Ok, well I have had far too much of your time! I will sign off now. Let's do this in the future just q and answer as our severs do not connect right or something. thanks for all of your help! Bye the way, I've been averaging 335 yards on my drives!
nice work. request me at teh start of your question so it comes to me.
and yes Q and A is fine.
keep being a great dad and great athlete. bye for noe