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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1715
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
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My daughter is 21 in college, has some cognitive learning disabilities.

Resolved Question:

My daughter is 21 in college, has some cognitive learning disabilities. She has been dating a man who is 27, previously married & divorced 1 child. Has a 2nd child with another woman, has been incarcerated in the past. They work together and this is how the relationship evolved about a year & 1/2 ago. In the past I recieved a facebook message from baby mama #2 claiming they were still together and my daughter was a happy home wrecker. I was told by both of them she was lying and out to make his life miserable. Here it is 1 1/2 yrs later I get another facebook message from this girl stating they are still together and my daughter is ruining their lives. This time she gave me her phone number and when I called her I found out about a lot of other things that he had been lying about also. I requested proof from him that these allegations were not true, he could not produce the proof nor has he come to discuss the situation with myself or my husband. I have had several arguments with my daughter over her relationship to the point where the ultimatum has been offered that she end it with him or move out of our house.She refuses to take either option. I want her to finish school and move on with her life for a much better future, she is willing to accept him being with the other woman and remain with him as well. Am I doing the right thing? Should I be sacraficing my relationship with her for a lesson needed?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families. I am also a mom of Twins.

Customer:

Hello

CoachJenK :

You are in an excruciating position as you can clearly see how destructive this relationship is and really cannot do much about it other than set the boundaries for yourself.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome

CoachJenK :

It really comes down to what you and your husband are willing to live with and accept and if you cannot accept this relationship and feel that you would like to set the boundary of her moving out then set the boundary and stick to it.

Customer:

So far the only boundary is he is not welcome at my home any longer. I assume this has been respected but, there are times I am at work and he has come at those times in the past.

CoachJenK :

If you feel that you cannot live with that decision then is there something else that can be a consequence of her staying with him?

CoachJenK :

ok so it is not being respected if he has come while you are not home.

CoachJenK :

the other option is to ignore it all and let her live with you and turn a blind eye to all of it...not sure you can do that though...

Customer:

Not really unless we force her to change jobs, which is difficult due to her hours of school etc. this job is flexable .

CoachJenK :

does she get any financial help from you in any way?

CoachJenK :

you are caught because she is an adult and can make her own decisions even if they are poor ones, but she lives in your home giving you some sort of parental control still.

Customer:

She lives here free, gets meals, laundry, etc. She pays for some school and some car insurance and her own cell phone. She bought her car on her own, but is insured under the family policy. We request no visits after 10 pm, she has a younger sibling and we all have early hours. Weekends are ok we allow her to come and go as she pleases as long as we know where she is going

CoachJenK :

Well there are plenty of things within all of what you just said that could be removed and her free and easy living a bit less free and easy if you choose to go this route.

CoachJenK :

where is your husband on all of this?

Customer:

She is accepting this relationship to be very onesided. He never comes over on days off. He doesnt take her out at all. He stops here before work for 30 minutes and after work for 30 minutes. The rest of the time she sits in her room. Waiting for his calls and has deserted all her friends. My husband is a silent partner and doesnt say anything one way or the other.

CoachJenK :

i imagine this is frustrating for you as you would like some support on this....

CoachJenK :

ok so it comes down to this....can you let her make her own decisions around this and let her deal with the consequences and try as best you can to remove yourself emotionally?

CoachJenK :

and be there for her when things get messy because based on his track record they will get messy?

Customer:

He blew off her birthday 2 years in a row & her graduation, he doesnt participate in any family functions including holidays. She is totally being treated as a mistress. I think she is depressed because she has been gaining weight too. I am so disgusted and fearful she will get pregnant. I really dont want to see this guy at all.

CoachJenK :

I understand all of your feelings but she seems okay with it all. That is the hardest thing as a parent for us to do...sit back and watch it all unfold.

CoachJenK :

can you do that?

Customer:

What do I forfiet? Let him come over?

CoachJenK :

and if you cant then you must come up with something that works for you otherwise you will go mad

Customer:

I have been a total jeykl & hyde!

CoachJenK :

No you dont have to let him come over at all. But you forfeit in your mind of trying to force her out of something that she seems content on staying in

Customer:

Sometimes I cant deal with it sometimes I loss it!

Customer:

lose

CoachJenK :

all normal...you are her mom.

CoachJenK :

But I think the best thing to do right now is for you to keep the boundary of him not being in your home f that is what you want, but pull back on the trying to convince or even having any contact with baby mama #2.

CoachJenK :

not healthy for you.

Customer:

I cant see her wasting anymore of her youth on this creep. I really dont care what happens to baby mama 2 or him. I wish they would just go away!

Customer:

Even if she does end it with him they w8ill still be working together he is her supervisor

CoachJenK :

i get it all...i truly do, but you cannot force her to see the light.

CoachJenK :

but you can put in place the boundaries that work for you and that is he cannot come to your home.

CoachJenK :

It is so hard to relinquish this control but she needs to make these decisions and live with the consequences.

Customer:

should I speak to their manager?

CoachJenK :

and say what?

Customer:

maybe get them on different shifts?

CoachJenK :

I am not a fan of crossing boundaries...but it has to be up to you. You are wanting her to respect your boundaries but then are willing to cross hers. Nor do I believe having a change in shift will do anything to keep them apart.

CoachJenK :

your energy around it could also keep her even closer to him.

CoachJenK :

let go a bit and maybe she will come to her senses all on her own.

Customer:

ok but what if she doesnt? How long should I let this continue?

CoachJenK :

she may never come to the senses you want her to. And you may need to accept that unless you are willing to cut her off and out and i dont hear that and nor do I think it would do much.

CoachJenK :

As parents we are not able to control it all and that is what makes this so excruciating for you.

CoachJenK :

and only you can decide how long about any of it...

Customer:

Based on what your telling me and my own tolerance levels. I think I will give her 6 months to continue her relationship, however he will not be allowed here. At that time if this hasn't changed for the better then she will have to get her own place to live. Does that sound fair?

CoachJenK :

yes that sounds absolutely reasonable and fair. And during that time try as best you can to really pull back from it all and not let it enter into your sphere.

Customer:

Thanks So Much Jen! Wish me luck!

CoachJenK :

I wish you the best and you can always come back and request me to vent and process.

CoachJenK :

Please click the green accept button if I have been helpful.

Customer:

Will do.

CoachJenK :

Its been a pleasure.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1715
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
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