Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families. I am also a mom of Twins.
Your partner would like a 7 year old to change? It seems as if he needs to do some growing up and learn how to be a parent and step parent....to put it as directly as possible.
And for him to say he is not sure that he wants her to move in? This is baffling...your daughter is 7!!!!
I think the two of you should see a couples counselor and he should take a parenting class.
your daughter has had to deal with many changes here and her behavior seems quite normal...she is not connecting so quickly because she is protecting herself. And she has now had to share her time with a new father figure and she may also be feeling some guilt since she see her Dad regularly. On top of that, she has also had to deal with the birth of a sibling and now once again she worries about losing you and your attention.
she needs some support too...not further admonishment from him or demanding that she change. She is the child and he is the adult and she is part of you.
He needs to make the changes and learn how to develop the relationship.
I see you are offline and I am going to switch out of chat as there have been problems recently in the chat. We will go to Q and A mode and I will wait to hear from you so we can continue. Please give me your thoughts thus far and I am so sorry to hear that both of you are going through this.
i am very depressed at the mo and taking anti depressants. I do agree with you about my partner, i have said it time and time again that he is the adult and he needs to grow up and it always ends in an arguement saying i protect her too much and im too soft. I thought having his own child would make him see things differently as a parent but our babe has yet to get to the difficult stage when they start being a bit naughty sometimes and answering back. He does tend to try and push blame anywhere other than on himself. I do ask myself sometimes why the hell im with him but i do love him and he isnt all bad. He just lacks parenting skills which i blame on the way he was brought up.
He has suggested councilling for both my daughter and him. He seems to want to try by going backwards, with me not moving in, and him just visiting a couple of times a week to try and build their relationship up. Not a bad suggestion but more confusing for her no doubt.