How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
64783947
Type Your Parenting Question Here...
Coach Jen K. is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am concerned and wondering if I should intervene concerning

Resolved Question:

I am concerned and wondering if I should intervene concerning my daughter's academic future at university. She is in the middle of a demanding music degree. She is currently doing a performance module and needs to get a high mark to continue on performance module next year. According to the handbook, admission to performance in third year is chiefly dependant on 2 performance modules, solo and ensemble performances, lasting 25 and 20 minutes respectively, which make up 80% of the mark. My daughter has been unlucky in a number of ways. Firstly, the university engaged a casual tutor from the local orchestra to teach my daughter and another young man because the regular university staff were fully booked for teaching. My daughter has been unhappy with this as she felt this chap lacked full commitment and was not as prepared and dedicated as regular faculty staff. As the year progressed, her fellow pupil lost heart partly due to this poor teaching and showed less than full commitment to the ensemble lessons and gave her the wrong date for the final ensemble performance. She tried to raise this matter of the teacher with her Head of Year, but he told her she must be mistaken. So she soldiered on. She worked hard both on her solo and ensemble performance, inviting her fellow pupil to our home to practice, encouraging him etc. However because she accepted that the date for ensemble performance was as her friend had told her without double checking the exam timetable, she missed the final ensemble performance exam (it was to have been today; she thought it was tomorrow). She turned up 30 minutes late having looked in at the timetable to check her date for what she thought was to be the exam for tomorrow, her fellow pupil did not make it and her tutor/examiner refused to wait for him. The examiner was the same guy who would not listen to her attempt to explain her dissatisfaction with the teaching earlier in the year.
My worry is that she may not get into performance in the final year and I feel that without that module she will fail to secure a career in teaching music as entry at postgrad level is very competitive in the uk especially northern ireland. I dont know what percentage ensemble is, just that solo and ensemble together comprise 80% of the mark.
I feel she has not been well treated by the head of department. She e-mailed him apologising and explaining that the exam timetable was a little confusing as the heading did refer to Performance Exams June 6th - 13th (today being June 5th). He emailed her back and said nothing could be done in spite of the fact that there are two more days in which they could be slotted in. He clearly feels they should pay the consequence of their mistake
However, on checking myself I did see that her exams were schedueled for 5th and 6th, not 6th and 7th as she thought and had been told by her fellow pupil. (She thinks he probably did not want to perform anyway). The heading did refer to exams from 6th - 13th which was a bit confusing.
Should I intervene here? I've tried to keep out of it and I know my daughter is ultimately responsible herself for not fully checking the timetable.Maybe I should sit back and let her experience the consequences of her carelessness, because she has been careless in not fully checking the exam timetable. She has had a rotten year emotionally as well as professionally and went through a few traumatic experiences during the year aside from all this. However I am tempted to try to speak to this music examiner/tutor myself as there is a good deal riding on the outcome of this. Should I do so?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families. I am also a mom of Twins.

CoachJenK :

such a great question. such a tough spot and so hard to sit back and do nothing.

CoachJenK :

has your daughter asked for your help?

CoachJenK :

Let me also say that there is no right or wrong way to go here...but rather we look at both possibilities and find which feels most comfortable and the possible outcomes.

CoachJenK :

Are you here with me?

Customer:

Yes, she has not asked me to intervene and I have not offered as yet. If I offered, she would probably say she didn't want me to intervene.

CoachJenK :

ok well lets start from there....

CoachJenK :

As an adult she needs to take responsibility for her appointments, etc. She made a mistake and even though it was confusing she still could have checked to make sure she had it all correct.

CoachJenK :

I do hear that she has had a lot to deal with but as you say she soldiered on....

CoachJenK :

i hear a fighting spirit in her and believe she will soldier on from this and learn from it as well.

CoachJenK :

Of course you want to go in and make it better....you love her, but I don't really believe there will be a change in the outcome and maybe it doesnt let her step up and take responsibility.

CoachJenK :

I know you worry about her future and her career and she will hit many speed bumps and have to negotiate all of them

Customer:

Yes I know. She can be scatty and disorganised. I know I have this tendency to want to prevent what I see as impending disaster. I guess this is my catastrophising not hers.

CoachJenK :

yes and as a parent myself I can certainly understand that space. But you may be giving her better skills moving forward by not doing anything.

CoachJenK :

and maybe she needs to feel a bit worried about it all so that she can pick up and dust off and be less scatty

Customer:

Yes I can see that. I suppose I'm mad at her as well for being so careless. Its a hard way to learn a lesson.

CoachJenK :

yes your anger and frustration is absolutely normal and you may even feel more angry if you were to get involved and get the same response she did or even change it...I think you are right here to sit back and I believe your gut knows that otherwise you would not have reached out here and you would have just intervened.

CoachJenK :

the love of our children makes us want to protect them all the time, but at some point they need to fly on their own and make some mistakes along the way.

CoachJenK :

and this wont be her last.

Customer:

Thank you so much for helping me get perspective. I suppose the best thing I can do is to keep her calm for her solo performance tomorrow, having calmed myself first of course!

CoachJenK :

you sound terrific and yes that is your focus now...whats done is done...let her wow them in her solo.

Customer:

Thanks Jennifer. I'll pass that on!

CoachJenK :

let me know how it all goes. You can come to me anytime.

CoachJenK :

please click accept if i have been helpful and I look forward to our next time together.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Coach Mom of Twins.
Coach Jen K. and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Family Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    108
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Family Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    108
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/jhollo77/2010-2-6_651_Avatar.jpg Jennifer's Avatar

    Jennifer

    School Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    77
    Collaborative parent consultation on everything from modifying behavior to child development.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/VO/vodkas25/2012-1-29_16528_P1010831.64x64.JPG professional_Alison's Avatar

    professional_Alison

    Child Care

    Satisfied Customers:

    77
    Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    40
    Licensed as psychologist and marriage and family therapist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KA/KaterB1270/2012-5-2_17226_016.64x64.jpg KaterB1270's Avatar

    KaterB1270

    Teacher

    Satisfied Customers:

    18
    BS Family Consumer Sciences Ed. and Masters of Art in Teaching
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KA/Kansastherapist/2012-6-13_171911_4upon20120220at14.64x64.jpg KansasTherapist's Avatar

    KansasTherapist

    LSCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    17
    17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg NormanM's Avatar

    NormanM

    Author, lecturer and psychotherapist.

    Satisfied Customers:

    16
    ADHP(NC), DHP, ECP, UKCP Registered