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professional_Alison
professional_Alison, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 78
Experience:  Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
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My son is 19. Im his mother. He had and still has an excellent,

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My son is 19. I'm his mother. He had and still has an excellent, stable upbringing with support when needed. He did well all through school & High School....Honor Student & President of Senior class. He was an easy child....no behaviors. We had a cohesive household. We were a happy family. We brought him up to be independent. I am not a "helicoptor" mom. When he graduated from High School he felt that it was his inherited right to severe the umbilical cord with a rusty knife. It wasn't necessary as he was a young man now and needed to grow and I recognized and supported that. He felt he had to be nasty anyway. He went to a Community College while living at home where he just graduated with an Associates. During that time he had a job and saved up for a good car to take to college when he leaves. These last two years have been an emotional roller coaster ride. I never know from day to day how he is going to react to me.........speak to me...........grunt to me or what!!! He speaks in 2 word sentences to me, grunts, actually told me last week that he is 19 and I'm 61 and we don't have anything in common any longer. He now identifies with dad and his boss. Ok..........so that makes me chopped liver?? I've been a stellar mom and supported him through out his sports oriented youth. This would all make such more sense if I had been a lousy mom. I've worked in a Higher Education environment and and have forward thinking as well as not completely selling out and do maintain some of my hippie ideals as I am a "by-product" of the 60's & 70's. He will be leaving this August to go to University of New Haven to complete his education in Chiminal Justice. His rudeness and alienation towards me is mind boggling and I just don't know where it comes from? The only time he speaks to me is if he needs help with the process of moving forward to the University of New Haven. I'm at my wits end with his self orientation, rudeness and it's all about me.com attitude. I am subliminally counting down the days to 8/23 when he leaves for college. I'm trying to maintain and praying that this is a phase and when he leaves he will figure things out and come back the decent young man we raised! We don't fight.............that would be unproductive. I have calmly told him how his behavior makes me feel and that is it unnecessary. The young people I see today that have this entitlement attitude is disconcerting to say the least. It's not how we raised him. What do you make of this??? It very difficult not to take these behaviors personally.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.

professional_Alison : Hello there, may I help you? You mit's be feeling very hurt by how your son is treating you. It sounds as if he is taking you for granted.
professional_Alison : Your son needs to know that you love him and are always going to be there when he needs you but his hurtful attitude is not doing your relationship any good.
professional_Alison : Perhaps once he is independent and goes to university and has to learn to take responsibility for himself he will appreciate all you do and have done for him.
professional_Alison : You are right not to argue about this as it would probably make matters worse. Once he goes off to university wish him well, let him know that's you will always be there when he needs you, but then step back and allow him to learn though life experience. Be safe in the knowledge that you have been a good mother and always had you sons best interests at heart.
professional_Alison : You son is just about to step into the world and be independent, this does not however mean that he won't still needs you.
professional_Alison : He may be at a difficult stage in adolescence where he doesn't appreciate you but this will pass. Stay strong and positive!
Customer:

And how do I deal with his self oriented, non family friendly behaviors while we are still living under the same roof...........do I just ignore him.......does that not put my integrity at risk? My respect and honor?

professional_Alison : It's worth remembering that at 19, teenagers always think they know best and they sometimes have to learn the hard way. You son has had a good upbringing and think should help him to make informed choices and decisions in the adult world.
professional_Alison : Don't react to his rudeness, if he wants something then he has to talk to you with respect. If he can't do that then he will have to manage on his own. It's not acceptable to talk rudely to you. If he doesn't participate it family time then that's his choice but while he is living with you he treats you respectfully. You need to be firm but fair here. Respect works both ways and he needs to be reminded of this.
professional_Alison : You can still be perfectly polite and pleasant but not do things he asks of you if you don't get the polite manners and respect.
professional_Alison : I hope you get past this difficult stage with your son and the relationship gets back on track. This sort of attitude from a teen towards there mother is not unusual and is a stage which passes.
professional_Alison : I hope this has helped do let me know if I can assist you further.
Customer:

And when something inappropriate if done...........calmly clarify to him that his behavior is unacceptable and walk away? I do not want my emotions to get ahead of me..............I always want that filter from my brain to my mouth to be in place. In the mean time.............it is my heart that is broken...........and am trying to understand how your child can be so mean. My husband says it's not his issue..........it's between my son and I..........my take on this is if he witnesses our son being nasty he should call him out. What are your thoughts on that. If ,my husband sees something inappropriate and does nothing isn't that just approving the behavior??

professional_Alison : You husband should be supporting you as working with you. If your son sees that you are not getting the back up from your husband he is in effect allowing your son to behave this way.
professional_Alison :

You need you husbands support, he needs to speak with your son and express that he will not have you treated this way.


 

professional_Alison :

I agree you should walk away from your son if something inapproriate happens. Children dont always think about your feelings, they can be very self centred and hurtful. They dont always see the bigger picture.


 

Customer:

You've said many things I've felt are true..........it's when they are happening to you personally it's harder to look from the outside and be objective. I thank you for confirming the approach that I have been taking is the right approach to take.

professional_Alison :

You and your husband raised your son together and you are a partner ship, you son needs to see this. If he listens to your husband and respects him, then may be he will listen to his reasoning.


 

professional_Alison :

I believe you have to right attitude to dealing with him and while it is hurting you, you are right not to let your emotions get in the way of dealing with his behaviour. On the other hand you need to be able to express these feelings with your husband and feel supported.


 

professional_Alison :

* the right attitude (sorry)


 

professional_Alison :

Continue as you are, make some notes if it helps of specific action plans and try to get your husband to agree to certain intervention on his part.

Customer:

I, too, have felt that my husband should take more responsibility. My son has made it clear that he now identifies with dad. And that's ok. BUT my husband witnessing this behavior and doing nothing not not a good role model behavior. It's telling my son that it's ok to be hurtful to me. And that behavior will carry on later in life when he has adult relationships. Thoughts?

professional_Alison :

If your husband cant see what going on, make a note of some specific outbursts by your son. This is setting a very poor example, I agree with you that this behaviour will mould his views in later life how he behaves and treats others.


 

Customer:

How do I go about printing up a copy of this transcript?

professional_Alison :

If he identifies with his Father then this should be used to your advantage and get him to talk with your son. To say it is not his problem is weak and not good parenting.


 

professional_Alison :

This will stay in your questions box to refer to at any time if you copy and paste it to a new page you should then be able to print it.


 

Customer:

I agree..............I feel very isolated in this situation and lacking support from my husband.

professional_Alison :

Do you think you could sit down with your husband and explain this to him ansd the effect his behaviour is having on you and your son in the long term?

professional_Alison :

Here is a book that may be of use to you and your husband, helping to make sense of his behaviour. Get Out of My Life: But First Take Me and Alex Into Town [Paperback], Tony Wolf , Suzanne Franks


Customer:

I did last evening after yet another event with our son. While my husband does not approve of his behavior he does not involve himself in discussing the behaviors with our son. I believe he should be a tad more proactive than shaking his head.

professional_Alison :

This one too. How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk [Paperback] Adele Faber



, Elaine Mazlish


 

professional_Alison :

Absolutely. You need to get him involved in the parenting. I am wondering if he doesnt say anything because he gets on so well with his son. Well part of being a parent is not about always being friends and being in their good books. Its about doing what is right and dealing with situations as they arise.


 

professional_Alison :

He has a role to play and needs to step up and be the father figure here.


 

professional_Alison :

You need to be strong here and explain you need his help and support.


 

professional_Alison :

I will sign off now, I hope I have been of some assistance and would be happy to help you more if you need me to, jest put professional_alison at the begininning of your question.


 

professional_Alison :

*just


 

professional_Alison :

Please accept if I have answered your question.


 

Customer:

Accept. Thank you. It was nice to have my feelings validated. I appreciate it.

professional_Alison :

Really glad I could help you, do let me know how you get on.


 

professional_Alison :

Please click accept button or rate my answer please

professional_Alison :

hello??

professional_Alison :

you will need to press the accept or rate my answer for a percentage of the money to be passed on to your expert. many thanks


 

professional_Alison, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 78
Experience: Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
professional_Alison and 3 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.
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