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Adviser Mills C.C.D.
Adviser Mills C.C.D., Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 151
Experience:  15 years Plus, Preschool Owner, Teen Mentor
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Hi. I am Divorced and have a 4 year old daughter. My ex is

Resolved Question:

Hi. I am Divorced and have a 4 year old daughter. My ex is believed to have a Personality Disorder - so it has been a rough road since we split when my daughter was age 2 years and 4 months. Anyways.... the latest is that he won't follow a set Visitation Schedule. This is bad for my daughter because when he doesn't show up for Visitation, she is diappointed. And the few times that we do make contact - he has lame excuses about going to the Gym, or Parties, or 'still being asleep.' I am wondering what is worst: Scenario 1 where my daughter sees her Father whenever he 'feels' like it which will subject her to chronic disappointment because he will flake all the time, or Scenario 2 where I hold him to follow the court order which requires a set Visitation Schedule which has resulted in his just not seeing her at all for 4 weeks now which I fear may result in his just not seeing her ever again altogether... ??? Which is worst? What do I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.

earthsister :

Good evening/early morning, I will do my best to assist you.

Customer:

ok

earthsister :

Decisions that involve another parent and custody/visitation can be rough, I can relate. My honest opinion is that every child needs a father in his or her life; as long as his presence is not harming the child, a child needs to know and have interaction with both parents in order to have the best opportunity at understanding themselves as they grow into adulthood.

Customer:

hmmm

Customer:

i agree

Customer:

but he flakes 24/7

Customer:

that is emotional harm

earthsister :

How has your daughter been holding up without seeing him these past four weeks?

Customer:

big time

Customer:

no?

Customer:

she has been donig okay

Customer:

asks for him here and there

Customer:

but i told her

Customer:

he went on a trip

Customer:

for a while

Customer:

so she at least thinks

Customer:

he is away for good reason

earthsister :

no phone calls or anything from him?

Customer:

he stopped by twice

Customer:

two saturdays ina row

Customer:

but did weird stuff

earthsister :

ok, that's a start. Did he see her?

Customer:

like dropped off a dollhoues

Customer:

unassebled

Customer:

with my friend who answered the door

Customer:

also a note in crayon in the mailbox

earthsister :

was it a new doll house? a gift?

Customer:

saying daddy loves you

Customer:

and some health insurance cars

Customer:

a gift

Customer:

yes

Customer:

unassembled

earthsister :

awe. he loves her!

Customer:

he does

Customer:

a lot

Customer:

but he has deep anger management issues

Customer:

and a huge ego

Customer:

he hates me

Customer:

and is letting her suffer

Customer:

just because i am holding him to a scheudle

earthsister :

I definitely would say, give him time. Talk to him

Customer:

he cut me off

Customer:

when we split

Customer:

does not talk to me

Customer:

only mean texts and emails

Customer:

i have had friends reach out as well

earthsister :

Men hate to be told when they can and cannot see their child

Customer:

saying hey - can you set a time to see her

Customer:

and he won't respond to them

Customer:

well kids hate when their dad's flake

Customer:

and it is damaging

earthsister :

that is true

earthsister :

trust me, I have been though a similar scenario

earthsister :

Give him time. Don't restrict his ability to see his daughter. He obviously loves her very much. Talk to him, calm and honestly if you can. Let him know that it's not about him nor you, but about your daughter; and that she needs him in her life

earthsister :

It is worse for a child to not be with their parent; if it takes bowing to him, so that the court order is not followed; if that what it takes to get him back with his daughter, so be it. Again, it is not about you, nor him, but about your daughter.

Customer:

i have tried

Customer:

he doesn't talk to me

Customer:

he hangs up

Customer:

i have almost lost my job

Customer:

because of the frequency with which he flakes

Customer:

and

Customer:

doesn't follow the schedule

Customer:

my child's heart has been broken on countless occassions

earthsister :

Is this the court ordered schedule that you are saying he isn't following?

Customer:

there is a court ordered schedule

Customer:

but since then i asked for a shchedule that works for him.

earthsister :

ok

earthsister :

so is he not following that schedule?

Customer:

no

earthsister :

maybe the problem is strictly with the courts.

earthsister :

maybe he doesn't want them involved at all.

Customer:

it doesn't matter what he wants.

Customer:

tanks for trying to help

Customer:

i am loggin off now.

earthsister :

I am sorry that I was unable to help with a solution this time. My final suggestion is to do what it takes to make sure that your daughter has a relationship with her father. If it means losing the court order, so that he feels confident in his own position as a man, and as a father to make decisions involving his child; including when he will see her, that is what I recommend. It seems that he obviously loves his little girl very much. It's always unfortunate when a break up between a man and a woman leaves a child stranded in the middle; again I can relate. I wish you all the best. If there is any way that I can be of further assistance. Please let me know.

Expert:  Adviser Mills C.C.D. replied 2 years ago.
I can help you with this question, if you are still looking for an answer. As a person that deals with these situations daily. In my opinion Scenario 2 is your option. You MUST uphold strict visitation guidelines with a father that wants to flake (as you put it). I have been in this situation on ALL levels and advised many parents through the same situation. The sad part is, you will have to watch your child be hurt by his bad decisions. The truth to the matter is, this is life. No matter what schedule you pick, or the court chooses if he does not want to make time for the child....he will NOT make time. It sounds like there is some growing up to do on his part, and this most likely will happen. I would love to chat with you about this if you come back online. the best thing is to not tell your child when daddy's visits are scheduled, then make the most of the time, without her knowing that he messed up. Make sure you do not down him in front of her, stay strong. He will find his way and your child will become stronger as they grow older. A flexible schedule is only going to cause heart ache for you and your child. Strict Guidelines. And then he chooses what kind of parent to be at that time, the problem is you have no power over his decisions, I will stay online a while to answer any more questions you have...I hope some of this helps!
Adviser Mills C.C.D., Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 151
Experience: 15 years Plus, Preschool Owner, Teen Mentor
Adviser Mills C.C.D. and 2 other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

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