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I would like to help you with your question.
This sounds like a very frustrating situation...and a huge drain of energy.
In my experience, punishment doesn't work. Period.
I would encourage you to go to the following website and read some of the parenting tips - they are fabulous for staying in charge of your family.
They also have a wonderful audio tape (which you probably get at your local library too) called
Hormones on Wheels by Jim Fay
Your 17 year old is getting alot of attention for his negative behavior. What needs to happen is that the focus gets off him and on to other more productive things.
Right now it is like the tail is wagging the dog. Do you understand this point.
He is taking all the energy and life out of the family.
Do you have any idea why he is being disrespectful and violating rules?
Is he jealous of his younger brother? Is he angry about something?
At 17...most kids are in this battle to gain independence from their parents, yet they know they are still dependent on them for food, shelter, and so forth. So there is this internal battle. During this period of time, kids are also undergoing tremendous changes in their brain. In reality, the brain is rewiring and what we see is an inability to make good decisions, impulsiveness, erratic behavior, rule breaking and the like. We see these things not because the kid is trying to be hurtful or irresponsible, but because the brain is changing.
We used to believe that raging hormones was the culprit. But now we know that its about the changes occuring in the brain.
This is not to say that your son is off the hook for his disrespect and rule breaking. I am just giving you an explanation as to why this happens.
Teens need structure, rules and boundaries. That you son is not willing to be respectful of the rules you set for your family certainly is an issue. And...as you have said...the yelling, arguing, pleading and getting others to talk to him has done no good.
So...I encourage you to go to the love and logic website and look at their material. I find this to be some of the most helpful parenting information available.
I also encourage you to ease up on the punishment. Your son is not a bad kid. He's more than likely a normal teen who is trying to understand who he is in the world. That he is pushing against the rules you set is frustrating and upsetting for you. Still...putting more controls on him, clamping down even harder is not going to work. You've already tried that and gotten no where.
In the love and logic method...consequences are tied to the behavior. The parent runs the home...not the kid.
Do you feel that you favor the youngest?
Is he easier to parent...and so things are smoother for you?
Because of your work, has your oldest had to take on some parenting responsibilities for his younger sibling?
I'm just wondering if he feels that he has to do more, work harder, and so forth.
The website will have the audio tape I suggested as well as other materials.
It appears that you are offline right now. When you come back online I will be notified.
We can continue chatting then.
Tell me about your work and how it is suffering...
I am sorry. That sounds like a really tough situation. No one likes to get reprimanded!
Did you tell the kids what happened at work and how the issues at home are having a negative impact on your work?
Perhaps if they knew the consequences they might make more of an effort to get along and to help you out.
Are they fighting with each other too?
Or what is going on?
Well that's a good thing!
So is the issue mainly that your older son breaks rules and is not consistent in chores. And the younger one has ADHD and that causes attention problems and he has lots of energy and needs structure?