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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Our daughter is 15 years old and has a 17 year old boyfriend.

Customer Question

Our daughter is 15 years old and has a 17 year old boyfriend. I caught them with their pants down 7 months ago,( not actually having sex ). My wife and I have since been dealing with him breaking up with her, only to get back together. She went to his house after the bus home from school so now I pick her up. Then she said she wasn't seeing him, but I caught her at his house again when she was supposed to be with other friends, so we don't let her out. Then she left our house in the middle of the night! We decided to let them see each other only at our house, but have let them go to the movies together also- bad move! Now I notice probable semen stains on her panties (4 pairs). I think they know where to do it at school. As soon as I prove semen on panties I want to press charges. We are scared she will run away or try suicide. Please help!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is truly a serious and overwhelming situation for most parents in your shoes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Has your daughter shown oppositional behavior before this issue? How long ago did it start, 7 months ago, or have there been any previous episodes?

Customer:

As far as I know 7 months ago, besides that she was the most sensible teen we ever knew! please help us make her understand that they cannot have sex. Also what can we do to keep her from running away or suicide?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Why do you fear she may attempt suicide?

Customer:

My wife said that our daughter cut herself when he broke up with her after I caught them

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

has she shown any self-harming behavior in the past, has she said or done anything for you to fear it could happen?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Did you look for professional counseling support at that time or after it?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The fact that he has been ending and starting the relationship multiple times shows an abusive pattern, and considering her age, in most states it is illegal for people to engage in any sexual relationship with a minor her age.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

One core concern here is that this relationship is, besides of illegal, an abusive one where she has already engaged in self-harm behavior as a consequence of it, then something effective needs to be done right away.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She is not legally allowed to consent, that;s a fact and must be addressed here.

Customer:

This is the first time but she said many times since that she can't take this anymore meaning the pressure of us in her business and trying to break them up. We have not tried counselling. Yes- understood and we told her that many times and I warned her that if I caught them , I would press charges. I think he took that as a challange and his own mother laughed at me and said good luck keeping her away!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Both parents must be together offering only one approach for coping with this serious situation. Clear boundaries and limits need to be set and enforced here. You both are responsible for her integrity and well-being and they are not taking it seriously.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She harmed herself after one these broke ups, that shows she is not emotionally stable but presenting a mental health problem from this overwhelming situation. She was quiet and fine before, and this has pushed her a lot. Then sound family and professional support are necessary.

Customer:

If the stains on the panties are semen, I will start the ball rolling on a huge snowball and I understand that professional help will be needed. My wife tries her best to be firm with her and still be her friend, I try to be her friend but am steadfast and tell her that there will definitely be consequences but she gets very mad at me and wants to leave! She is a straight "A" student to show us that this relationship doesn't affect her school

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She is trying to protect him while ignoring because of her age, the multiple issues involved here, but such approach should not be enabled nor allowed. You need to develop an open communication with her, and denial, avoidance, manipulation should not be allowed.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Professional help is necessary now, please do not wait for things to get more challenging or overwhelming, sine she has already shown she does not know how to effectively cope with this situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are doing the right thing, but she is blinded because of how new and intense this experience happens to be for her, the bigger problem here is that it has not been a healthy relationship, and now involves much more than what she could handle, that's why your sound support and professional counseling are necessary, the same at school.

Customer:

I have gone for long walks and talks with her and have taken her to museums to get her mind off him for awhile and have taken her to NC State to walk around the campus to show her what it is like and that people just like her go to college- not too hard for them, not too hard for her ( she wants to be a Vet

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You offer n empathic ear and heart, being supportive and understanding but no codependent enabling should be allowed here.. then you are offering good support, and she needs to understand that you cannot support something that is not healthy.

Customer:

Thank you very much. I will talk with my wife about setting up counselling and proceed as softly as possible

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do dialogue with your wife and get into agreements about every approach you take as a couple, only one approach consistently implemented, be supportive , understanding but also very clear about things. Keep monitoring her, showing her you respect her but do not support any self-neglect of exposure to any form of abuse.

Customer:

Understood! Thank You!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Get all the support you can from school and family. Collateral sessions or your own counseling sessions as parents is recommended for you to better know how to support her while protecting her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Please feel free to contact me back for any futher support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks for your trust. Bye for now.

Customer:

OK, have a good day, thanks!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks. bye.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(Please do not forget to Accept the Answer if you feel it was useful, for the session to be closed)

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Family Counselor
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you

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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach