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professional_Alison
professional_Alison, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 78
Experience:  Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
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Customer Question

I woke up at 2am, couldn't fall back to sleep, so I decided to take a walk using the side door. To my surprise, I found a bike next to my side door! Judging by its size, I think it's a girl bike. I suspect my 16-year-old son is with his girl friend, since the girl had asked me in the morning,"Can I come back tonight to get something?" My son's room is dark, and my husband is not home. What should I do? Shocked and Confused mom/Carol
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.

professional_Alison : Hello there, may I help you? I would knock on the door and see if she is in there.
professional_Alison : Your son has not asked you permission and although he is old enough to have sexual intercourse, it is something that should have been agreed by you first.
professional_Alison : How old is the girlfriend too and does her mother know where she is?
professional_Alison : If your husband is not home you have to wonder too if they planned this sleep over. You need to be strict here as they are not respecting you by going behind your back.
Customer:

Hi Alison,

Customer:

Thank you for taking my question. I took several pictures of the bike, but I am not sure if I want to confront them. I don't think the girl's parents know about this sleep over.

professional_Alison : I think you have every right to ask, this is your home and they should not be doing this behind your back. You can do it in a calm manner if you find her there say you are disappointed and will talk about it in the morning.
professional_Alison : You also need to know where the girls mother thinks she is.
Customer:

So if she is there, should I let them fall back to sleep in the same room? What should we talk about in the morning?

Customer:

Also, should I inform her mom?

professional_Alison : I believe you should give her the opportunity to tell her but ask her mum to phone you and confirm if she is happy with her staying over.
Customer:

I also have another question about your comment on sexual intercourse. 'Your son has not asked you permission and although he is old enough to have sexual intercourse, it is something that should have been agreed by you first.' How so?

professional_Alison : If they want to be treated like adults they have to behave as such by talking to you and not sneaking around. The arrangement has to be agreed by you and both sets of parents. Being dishonest and disrespectful is what you need to discuss and explain is unacceptable.
professional_Alison : Not the fact of him seeking permission to sleep with his girlfriend but permission to allow her to stay over.
Customer:

I see what your point now. The problem is they could have asked for a sleep over instead of sneakily arrange this by themselves. So in your opinion, I should let her parents know this in the morning, right?

professional_Alison : Both sets of parents need to be in agreement with this.
professional_Alison : Yes I think you have an obligation to.
professional_Alison : I have to go but will reply later.
Customer:

Got it. Thank you for your advise. I will do that. Will keep you posted with what happens. Thank you.

professional_Alison, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 78
Experience: Degree in early years,16 years experience in childcare
professional_Alison and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  earthsister replied 2 years ago.
Good morning. The parents of your son's girlfriend have all the right to know that she is at your house with your son at 2AM in the morning if they do not know already. My suggestion would have been to wake them both up if they were not already, call her mother/father (whether 2am or not), and end their escapade. Although you may be a parent that is alright with your child engaging in sexual intercourse, her parents may be against it. They may not be ready to be grand parents yet. They may not have a clue where she was at 2am, and could have contacted the police, and filed a report. The purpose of sex is primarily for reproducing; pleasure is a bonus. I would suggest that you explain this thoroughly to your son. I am not saying that it is realistic to expect a child to stay a virgin until they leave their parents home (although, I did), but the reality is that if the girl gets pregnant (or either contacts a disease), neither your son nor his girlfriend are mature enough, or able to support a child, let alone themselves. So the responsibility would fall on the parents; thus lies the right for a parent to deny his or her child the freedom to have sex; especially not at your home, at 2am in the morning, as if either one of them pays bills there. Situations like this can be touchy, and there is no definite solution; each parent has his or her own rules of what is permitted or not. This is my view of sex when it comes to teenagers still living with their parents; they need to get a job, and get out of Mom and Dad's house if they want to engage in activities that require such great responsibility. I wish you all the best in your decision, and its outcome.
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.

Hi there, I am just checking in to see how things are and what has happened with the situation between your son and his girlfriend?

 

I had another thought that if your son is sleeping with his girlfriend and he may not tell you either way you do need to discuss contraception with him. He may find this embarrassing but it is your responsibility as a parent. I am guessing the girl may have said she was staying at a girl friends when she was with your son so her parents are also going to be very annoyed and disappointed that she has lied to them too.

 

The key here is to work with your son's girlfriends parents too, if they forbid her to stay at your house then you have to respect that. If they say its ok then the decision is then put into your hands. Would you be happy for her to stay over and your husband too? Are you comfortable that they are handling contraception responsibly?

 

A fact i feel relevant here is, if they are sleeping together would it not be better to know that they are safely indoors rather than sneaking around doing it in cars, parks or on the streets. If youngsters are going to engage in intercourse and they are not under age, you dont have any rights to stop them. At the end of the day it is down to personal opinion and style of parenting. In this day and age parents have to be realistic about the expectations they have upon their children. Expecting them to wait until they leave home just because you say so is not realistic I am afraid.

 

Your son owes you an apology for going behind your back too.

It will be interesting to see how they react to being caught if this is to be the case. This will also be an indication of their maturity. I hope you have managed to confront them and discuss what happened and it wasn't too difficult speaking with the girlfriends parents. I look forward to assisting you further.

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