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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 235
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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My 16 yr old daughter was suspended Thursday for not giving

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My 16 yr old daughter was suspended Thursday for not giving up her phone with the vice principle when she was caught with it. This would be her 3rd phone they have. I had to pick her up at school and I tried to get her to give it up and she refused and pushed me and caused a huge scene swearing, etc. We got in the car and I was going to take her to my moms while I was at work and when she realized I wasn't taking her home she got out of the car. I didn't go after her. She has not been home since. I know she is OK because she answered txts I sent from a txting web-site. Awhile back she was grounded and didn't come home. When she finally returned, I told her to pack up because if I can't parent her she needs to go. I brought her to her dads. She was begging to come home within a day and her dad brought her back saying he wasn't "set up' to have her there. She agreed to a new set of rules but things have steadily gotten worse again. She is so disrespectful to me and her teachers. I am getting so many reports of bad behavior at school it's embarrassing. I don't know how to handle it when she does get back home. The phone she has was given to her by her dad after I took one and the school took 2. Her dad also told her not to give up the phone at school that day. He is bitter and mean to me and at this point will not help me parent her or my son. Please help.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.
Hello there, may I help you?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Read the question first. Do not reply "how can i help you"! I already spent 10 minutes typing the question. Do not give me Allison again. Please, a licensed social worker or therapist. Not a day care provider.
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.
It sounds as if you are havIng a very difficult time at the moment with your daughter. She seems to be very angry and you need to try and find out why. Your daughter is of an age where she probably does consider herself to be an adult but she is certainly not behaving like one. You need to try and make her make a decision that she has to talk to you about what the problem is so you can help her or consider finding somewhere else to live. You said she doesn't want to live with her dad but that may be the only option is she can't behave in a respectable manner.
Expert:  professional_Alison replied 2 years ago.
I was just in the process of answering your question I am not a daycare provider I have 17 years experience working with under 16's and can advise you how to sort out your problem.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Not alison
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good afternoon! I hope to be of some assistance here. Your daughter has become oppositional and defiant, and as a result has lost respect for all of those in an authority position, you included. Once a teen has gotten to this point in the escalation of behavior, we have clearly dealt with many years of issues revolving around power and control Secretly, kids want their parents to be confident leaders who are strong and sure and hold firmly to expectations of behavior, while also being caring and compassionate teachers. They may rebel against boundaries, and if they get what they want by tantruming, etc... at a young age, they feel powerful and learn that this type of behavior works for them... yet they continue to feel insecure in the ability of the adults around them to take control of them and their safety.

 

Right now, there needs to be strong and firm action taken. My thoughts are to arrange an intervention. If you know where she is, and she is a minor, get a police officer to go with you and pick her up. Take her immediately to a therapists office, where you and any other members of the family who are responsible for her safety can meet to begin working out a new set of rules for engagement. She needs to know that you and the family will stop at nothing to ensure her safety, but that she must abide by the rules of society and home if she has any chance of successfully navigating her future.

 

She is certainly in need of some counseling, as is the family to identify the dynamics that are dysfunctioning and leading to her need to rebel in such an extreme fashion. Find your strength, and remember that any consequences or discipline is meant to teach... so what she needs to learn right now is that when you hurt people you fix it somehow. She may be embarrassed about the school situation and not want to face them, but she needs to go back and make amends to the people she hurt there in order to learn that when we make mistakes in life, we fix them. And most importantly, she needs to learn how to manage anger and frustration in a socially acceptable fashion... which can be taught in therapy.

 

I hope that you found this answer somewhat helpful; I will await any further questions or information... and I wish you the best in getting through this current issue! You will get through it--- because your daughter needs your guidance and strength right now more than ever!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
how do I find a therapist on Sunday? If that isn't possible, do you have another suggestion?
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
I was thinking tomorrow... but, if you'd like to start getting her home now, there are "Family Service" type therapists on call through your local police dept. I recommend making a call to the police as a non-emergency, or going down there personally and filling them in on the situation that your daughter has run away. There will be someone there who can potentially help you to get her home right away, or to somewhere safe, and you can make an appointment for tomorrow at a therapist's office to work things out. The police department will have some referral information for therapists, as may your doctor. Does that help a bit?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I have been going through so much with my son also I just don't know if I have the energy for this. Is she considered a runaway? I haven't tried to find her through her friends. I am tired of that. If I dont' want to go the police or therapist route what would you suggest doing here today when she comes home?
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
I know how tiring this must be for you, and sadly, there isn't an easy fix. I fear that unless you make a big deal about this situation to impress upon her that she has now reached the end of the road with this defiance, she will only keep doing this and continue to rebel and defy everyone who is responsible for her safety. She is only 16--- still a minor. If you are unaware of her whereabouts and she took off in a rage, not telling you where she was going, then yes... she has run away. You have the responsibility to teach her that this is unacceptable and will no longer tolerate her rages in this fashion, and that she has stepped over the boundary for the last time. It is 'tough love', and it is tougher on the parent than the child. I have seen too many situations in which this type of acting out eventually leads to dropping out of school, ending up addicted to drugs, in jail, or worse. You have to make the decision about what you will do, but my thought is to make an impact on her now... while you still have the chance.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Can you tell me anything that will help me get through it. Even thinking about it exhausts me. I don't even want to go shower to go to the police station. All I want to do is cry and give up.
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

I know. I do. I know that you are probably exhausted and may be dealing with your own feelings of depression surrounding the kids and the family situation. But, she needs your strength now. Take this one step at a time. Get in the shower. See how you feel then. The police deal with this type of thing all the time, and they can take over once you let them know you need their help. They will be strong for you and advise you on the next step, while your daughter will get the message that she has overstepped her boundaries. Kids with oppositional-defiant disorder haven't had a consistent enforcement of boundaries at times, with at other times a too tough approach. There has been inconsistency in behavior management, which is why she is now in the state she is in. You have the power to stop this now, and this will help your son, as well, to see that you are taking charge.

 

One more thought: if she shows up at home today without police intervention, you must have a serious talk. She needs help, and the whole family needs help. There must be expectations put into place on all sides; what you and the school expect from her, and what she needs and expects from you. To talk about this calmly and productively is the hope; a therapist can help you all to come to an agreement in a way that may not otherwise be possible, on neutral ground. Again, it is up to you, and either way it goes, put on your courage and brave face and show compassion, strength and leadership right now. It will make her feel safe, and get you all through this rocky patch. You CAN do this!! I wish you all my strength!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
OK, I will try this. Thank you for your help.
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
Please let me know how things work out? You can access this question in the "my questions" tab at the top of your screen... good luck... be strong... and know that you are going to make a change to the dysfunctional system which will be all for the better... for all of you. :-)
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 235
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Heidi LPC and other Parenting Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thanks a lot.
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
No problem at all... let me know what happens!! I will be thinking of you!!

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