Good afternoon! I hope to be of some assistance here. Your daughter has become oppositional and defiant, and as a result has lost respect for all of those in an authority position, you included. Once a teen has gotten to this point in the escalation of behavior, we have clearly dealt with many years of issues revolving around power and control Secretly, kids want their parents to be confident leaders who are strong and sure and hold firmly to expectations of behavior, while also being caring and compassionate teachers. They may rebel against boundaries, and if they get what they want by tantruming, etc... at a young age, they feel powerful and learn that this type of behavior works for them... yet they continue to feel insecure in the ability of the adults around them to take control of them and their safety.
Right now, there needs to be strong and firm action taken. My thoughts are to arrange an intervention. If you know where she is, and she is a minor, get a police officer to go with you and pick her up. Take her immediately to a therapists office, where you and any other members of the family who are responsible for her safety can meet to begin working out a new set of rules for engagement. She needs to know that you and the family will stop at nothing to ensure her safety, but that she must abide by the rules of society and home if she has any chance of successfully navigating her future.
She is certainly in need of some counseling, as is the family to identify the dynamics that are dysfunctioning and leading to her need to rebel in such an extreme fashion. Find your strength, and remember that any consequences or discipline is meant to teach... so what she needs to learn right now is that when you hurt people you fix it somehow. She may be embarrassed about the school situation and not want to face them, but she needs to go back and make amends to the people she hurt there in order to learn that when we make mistakes in life, we fix them. And most importantly, she needs to learn how to manage anger and frustration in a socially acceptable fashion... which can be taught in therapy.
I hope that you found this answer somewhat helpful; I will await any further questions or information... and I wish you the best in getting through this current issue! You will get through it--- because your daughter needs your guidance and strength right now more than ever!
I know. I do. I know that you are probably exhausted and may be dealing with your own feelings of depression surrounding the kids and the family situation. But, she needs your strength now. Take this one step at a time. Get in the shower. See how you feel then. The police deal with this type of thing all the time, and they can take over once you let them know you need their help. They will be strong for you and advise you on the next step, while your daughter will get the message that she has overstepped her boundaries. Kids with oppositional-defiant disorder haven't had a consistent enforcement of boundaries at times, with at other times a too tough approach. There has been inconsistency in behavior management, which is why she is now in the state she is in. You have the power to stop this now, and this will help your son, as well, to see that you are taking charge.
One more thought: if she shows up at home today without police intervention, you must have a serious talk. She needs help, and the whole family needs help. There must be expectations put into place on all sides; what you and the school expect from her, and what she needs and expects from you. To talk about this calmly and productively is the hope; a therapist can help you all to come to an agreement in a way that may not otherwise be possible, on neutral ground. Again, it is up to you, and either way it goes, put on your courage and brave face and show compassion, strength and leadership right now. It will make her feel safe, and get you all through this rocky patch. You CAN do this!! I wish you all my strength!
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