Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families. I am also a mom of Twins.
Your situation is not uncommon at all as she begins the journey of adolescence and tries to assert her independence.
This time is fraught with struggles between girls and their parents. so what to do about it?
You mentioned in the things you have tired that you warn her that you will take away her pocket money...do you follow through with this warning?
I also like to suggest when working with parents of adolescence that have struggles around homework is to not battle at all with them around this...let it be between them and their teacher. I would let the teachers know what is going on at home and that you are stepping away from it. If she doesnt do her homework then she will suffer the consequences at school as well as losing privileges at home.
It is all about consistency and follow through for parents of kids this age.
So, I would sit down as a couple first to make sure you are on the same page and that there wont be any wiggle room once you decide on things and make your plan. then both of you sit with your daughter to explain the new rules.
this is what is required of you....you will do your homework and if you dont you will have consequences. It will be up to you to get it done on your own. We will be talking to you teachers to let them know about your refusal. If your teachers tell us you aren't doing your homework you will lose the following privileges. FB and computer will be gone and no pocket money!
If you are aggressive toward us in any way and by kicking and punching us when we ask you to do something you will lose your computer, fb and pocket money. The choice s all yours...you get to decide how you behave and how responsible you want to be within what we expect from you. These are our rules and you are our child and expected to follow. If you choose not to then the privileges mentioned above will be lost.
Now here is the CRUCIAL part....you must follow through. no wiggle room, no begging and pleading on her part to wear you down. Take away FB for two days...no money for a week, etc.
you must follow through...the minute you give in your goose is cooked.
If her aggressive behavior continues and she punches and kicks then I would bring her to a child psychologist to see why this is occurring.
There is also a wonderful book on females going through adolescence and their struggles to fit in the world...It is a great read for anyone who has a daughter in adolescence. It is called Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher. You can find it here. http://www.amazon.com/Reviving-Ophelia-Saving-Selves-Adolescent/dp/1594481881/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1335448643&sr=8-7
I hope all of this information is helpful.
set the boundaries
let the teachers deal with the homework so you can remove that power struggle
let her know the consuequnces for punching, hitting, hearing from teachers about no work being turned in, etc
and then stick to them!
Let me know if you have any more thoughts or questions. If not please click accept.