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Howard Wise
Howard Wise, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 650
Experience:  Counseling with a compassionate ear and a loving heart.
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We are grandparents with a 3 year old grandbaby that has stayed

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We are grandparents with a 3 year old grandbaby that has stayed with us off and on since she was two days old. Then totally, by herself, for over a year. Now her father is in the picture and we trade off every other week. My question is this..keeping in mind she turned 3 in January.
1. If she tells me she got spanked and I ask why and she says because I cried for you grandma and when I ask her where, she say's her hands...is this to be believed or am I just scared because of this man's history? We have never spanked, using time outs because she is such a good girl.
2. I have been her primary care provider..working full time...bathing, feeding, disciplining..over all the "parent"....why now does she not "run" to me when I get her and seems happy to go everywhere else? We are close, always have been. If she cries at night, it's grandma, bedtime it's grandma...I'm unsure as to why I am feeling "pushed out"...
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  Dr. G. replied 2 years ago.
Where is the mother in all of this? Does the father have any legal rights? Why was he not in the picture?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The mother left her in our care (our daughter) and moved out of town. Father just finally got to where he never came for her or to see her or to even ask about her. In the last several months he has a live in girlfriend that decided she wanted Zoie (he met her on Match.com) and so he began fighting for her after over a year...the Judge here told us before he even heard the case that he would grant the father time...being grandparents in Texas is not a positive and the only rights we had are standing..even though we won abandonement in our own state of Oklahoma. They were divorced in Texas so Texas took back Jurisdiction..something our attorney should have known at the time...but didn't...the mother calls her every couple of days and visits with her. She knows she's safe, but she is furious about the father having this much contact. Long story short, to give some insight, he was spanking her at 5 1/2 months and I have the picture to prove it on her leg. This was used in OK court...do you need more?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I haven't rec'd a response....
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Other.
I'm afraid we may be been disconnected. Dr. G asked for further info, but I'm not sure it was rec'd....don't know how to check.
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
Good afternoon, this is Howard,

I am very concerned about your granddaughter's safety after reading your report. Did you call Child Protective Services when you noticed the bruise?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

We won Temporary custody in OK using the brusing. It was based on abandonment and endangerment. But, the TEXAS Judge didn't like that we took it out of his jurisdiction and took it back to Texas. We live in OK and we were told to go to court in our home state as that was now her home state...well...not according to Texas. If you divorce in Texas they can bring you back from Alaska!! But, based on that history, I am concerned about her safety. I need profession assistance in helping HER now that the Judge decided the father, before any testimony, could have her every other week for a week. She tells us how her daddy doesn't like us or basically anyone that helped her raise her, literally. He is very prejudice and I put her in a bilingual sitter home to assist her in the future...he hates this...but can't change it right now legally...she told us as I stated earlier that he "spanks" her and one of the times I asked her why..she said "because I cry for you grandma" and like I said I asked her, for some reason, "where" and she said "my hands". I was aware he was spanking her bottom..which she doesn't need..he doesn't believe in "time outs" ( I have had to use two the entire time we've raised her and she is a live wire)..my problem is, can a baby that just turned 3 "play" each of us against the other? Literally? I need to know how to let her know everything is ok when he does that. I told her every night that I've had her since she was born that "mommy and daddy love" her because I was afraid this would happen and I wanted her to have a little bit of a base. To protect her and maybe make life easier. Now when I comfort her and just say "daddy was in a bad mood" ,etc...my husband is worried that I may be indicating to her that I am allowing this because I try to hold my tongue ( I have half of it left) because I don't want her life miserable and I sure don't want her to say something to him that would make him mad and him smack her again...CPS will NOT get involved with just spanking. My question is, how do I protect her mentally and why is she distancing from me and seem happier to go to others? I know this is selfish, but I've been the caregiver from the get go. They would call me and put her on the phone when she was crying because even at day's old, I could calm her verbally..I'm lost.

Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for the additional information. As it turns out, I worked was a Child Protective Services social worker in Dallas for two years back in the early 1980s so my background includes cases like this.

It's my impression that your granddaughter is in danger of psychological and physical abuse. In fact, it appears that she is currently being physically abused if what you have reported is correct. It's very unfortunate that the authorities are not willing to get involved.

There is no chance that this girl is playing you against each other. It's more than likely that her father is brain-washing her and doing his best to get her to fear you and that's why her reaction to you has changed.

You are not being selfish - you love your granddaughter and you yearn for the close relationship the two of you had when she was younger.

I think there is little you can do to protect her mentally because she is growing up in an abusive environment.

I recommend that you keep a very close eye on this poor little girl. When you find bruises on her, as I think you will if you are vigilant, you must call CPS immediately and file a report.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
When she tells me her father "spanks" her or is "mean" to her..how should I respond without her thinking I approve? Is my saying that he is just in a "bad mood" appropriate?
So, this age she can not play us against each other, correct? What do I DO when she tells me bad things? The attorney said none of us have a "license" so we really "can't judge" what's going on. We are broke. We spent all of everything we had to save her this long...what I told you is correct. Very correct. How to I reverse the "brain-washing" where she is distancing from me and her beloved hispanic sitter, whom she doesn't even want to go near now? She LOVED this woman. Keep in mind, this has happend in the last two months when these week long visitations started? I'm pulling my hair out. Unless we have "physical proof" there is nothing we can do legally. Tell me how to help her when she say's these things so that I do not add to the damage and maybe I can even reverse it? The love and care doesn't seem to be enough...this family is very good. This is not the first child they have done this to..there are two others and the mother's couldn't financially fight..it's an awful situation. They go to church and smile and nod and when you end up into the family (married) you wouldn't believe the foul things they say and do..help me help her, that's all I need.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
did you get my last reply?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

My internet keeps disconnecting. Did you get my last reply??? Thank you so much for your extra time.

Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
Please do not send another response until you receive mine. I just spent twenty minutes replying to you and my reply is now lost. I will have to start all over.
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.

When your granddaughter tells you that her father has spanked her do not comment on his behavior. Ask her to tell you more about it and get as many details as possible. You can say “I’m so sorry to hear about this. That must have really hurt you. You are a good girl, I don’t know why your father would spank you.”

She is not playing you against each other. That is correct.

I suggest you replace your attorney. He doesn’t seem to care about your granddaughter’s welfare.

It’s unlikely that you can reverse the brain-washing because the girl’s father is a much bigger influence on her than you can be at this time. Don’t worry about adding to the damage. You are not going to do that.

The solution to this problem is that you must remain vigilant. Eventually, there is a good chance you will find bruises on the girl. When you do you can call CPS and an investigation will be initiated.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Before I "accept", I wanted to thank you for your extra time and I am so sorry to have disrupt your initial reply. I'm just lost. I wish we could afford to replace this attorney. He doesn't get "personally involved" in his cases, but we are out of close to 12,000 and to start over we can't do financially...we don't know what to do...

I know it's not your concern...but thank you so much for ALL your listening to me!!!

I don't even want to know how the cases like this usually turn out...I don't think it will be in her favor. She's such a good little girl. I just don't know. But I will not acknowledge his behavior. Details are hard to get because this usually talkative little girl will hardly acknowledge us when we DO question her. Complete turn around. Yet she acts like she likes to go with him and looks forward to it. I've been a nurse 18 years and am 50 years old and I NEVER would have thought I would have something like this happen. EVER. Again, thank you so much.

Expert:  Howard Wise replied 2 years ago.
You are welcome.

I am very sorry that your granddaughter is having to go through all of this. Whatever you do, don't lose hope. This little girl needs you to be there for her.

Feel free to contact me again.

Positive feedback will be appreciated, as will a bonus.

Good luck.
Howard Wise, Child Care
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 650
Experience: Counseling with a compassionate ear and a loving heart.
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