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KansasTherapist
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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My 14 year old daughter told me has had sex or is having sex

Resolved Question:

My 14 year old daughter told me has had sex or is having sex with her 15 year old boyfriend. Is it worth me trying to get her to stop dating him or are they just going to do it behind my back? They have been dating for 5 months, probably having sex for the last month...if rumours count. Should I ask her if it was just once or if they have done it often...will she tell me the truth or just what I want to hear? I have brought my children up Catholic and they are all aware that I don't approve of this type of behaviour and certainly not as a minor....let alone with someone they don't plan on marrying....help!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 2 years ago.

KansasTherapist : Hello
KansasTherapist : It is tough when your child starts doing things you don't approve of but can't stop.
KansasTherapist : I don't know if there's a point in finding out how often or how many times they have had sex. The main this is, they're not likely to stop. I recommend you find out if they are using birth control.
Customer:

My daughter is on the pill. She convinced me she needed it to help regulate her period, and perhaps she did, but it makes things easier. She and her boyfriend claim that they used a condom

KansasTherapist : She may have been tricking you, but at least she's being responsible about that.
KansasTherapist : You can certainly talk to her about your opinion of her actions.
Customer:

I already spoke to her about my opinion. Because she is so young, what is the right thing to do in regards XXXXX XXXXX her to see the boyfriend again? Somehow they need to understand that it is inappropriate.They are so young. She asked me to drive her to his place tomorrow. I told her I need to think about it. Should I refuse to drive her or allow him to come

Customer:

He only lives a couple of minutes from the school so they can get together any time.

KansasTherapist : Indon't think Inwould drive her there. That implies a certain level of approval. You can make rules about they being at your house, not in a bedroom, clearly. And not just going where everntheybwant.
KansasTherapist : Every where they want.
KansasTherapist : Wherendonthey usually hang out together?
KansasTherapist : Sorry about my typing.
Customer:

Thank you. That is how I was feeling too. They alternate going to his house or our house, usually. And she has always assured me that his parents are there when she is there, plus I see them when I drop her off. But that doesn't mean that they are always in the room with them.

KansasTherapist : You could talk to his parents about it.
KansasTherapist : They might want to supervise more closely.
KansasTherapist : You don't really need to be in the room with them all the time, just wa
Customer:

Would that be invading on his privacy, speaking with his parents? Or should I give him the option of telling them first and tell him that if he doesn't that I will? Especially as they are under age?

KansasTherapist : Walk through often enough to so they know they'd get caught if they were doing anything they shouldn't.
Customer:

I walk through often when they are at my house, but I have no idea what they do at his house.

Customer:

is being on the pill making it too easy for my daughter? Is it too big of a risk to take her off the pill if she has allay had sex.

KansasTherapist : It would be nice if you gave him the chance to tell his parents himself, but If he doesn't I would. I think they have the right to know.
KansasTherapist : If she were my daughter I'd rather she were on the pill than pregnant.
Customer:

Her oldest sister (18)knows that she had sex as rumours were circulating at school. Should she tell her second older sister so that she hears it from her and not from someone else(16yrs)? What about her younger bro(12) all in same school.

KansasTherapist : That's a hard question. I guess I'd tell you daughter it might be better if she told her sister rather than let her hear about it at school. I don't know about the brother though.
KansasTherapist : Is he an innocent 12?
Customer:

Her dad is away and I don't want to tell him over the phone as I think the discussion should bee done face to face. Plus I'd like to allow my daughter the chance to tell him...what do you think about this? Yes my son is an innocent 12, however he is aware of what goes on in the world and is co

KansasTherapist : I agree with you about dad. Your daughter should tell him when he gets home.
Customer:

concerned, as she has been crying today since I spoke with them last night. I told her she shouldn't tell him as he is too young and it may influence him.

KansasTherapist : I agree about not talking to her brother also.
KansasTherapist : I think he would be completely shocked.
Customer:

My oldest daughter had sex when she was almost 18. She was in a serious relationship and then had sex just before she broke it off as she didn't want to get too close and continue as she is going to Australia in September. She told me but she didn't tell her dad and I didn't either although maybe I should have. Now that all this is coming out with the younger daughter, I think that she should tell her dad also, but before the younger one tells her story. What do you think of this. The founder one knows the older one had sex only because when the older one confronted the younger one about the rumours, the younger one asked her and she didn't want to lie.

Customer:

I was not shocked with my older one...i accepted it, although i was sad...it happens and at least she knew she wasn't just being used. I am not so sure that my youngest daughter realizes that she is possibly being used as he is not planning on marrying her! Ha!

KansasTherapist : I think at 18 she has the right to a certain amount of privacy that 14 year olds don't get. If your oldest feels that she should tell her dad, that's up to her.
Customer:

I told the older one she should probably tell her dad as I was afraid that the younger one might mention it depending on how my husband reacts.

KansasTherapist : That's a possibility, it I'd leave the decision in your oldest's hands.
Customer:

My younger daughter suffers from depression and since she has been with this boyfriend her depression has seemed to have lifted a bit. So it is a frustrating situation. I am worried that she may fall into depression again, but she needs to realize that her actions are unacceptable and that there are consequences. Should I be grounding her, or taking away some pother privileges other than just not driving her to see the boyfriend or allowing him to come here?

KansasTherapist : That does make things more complicated. It seems likely she will become depressed when they break up. Ending the relationship would be bad enough, but ending it after think this boy is so special, will probably break her heart.
KansasTherapist : I want to clarify, I would let him come to your house so you have a chance to supervise.
Customer:

Ok, so you think it is ok to approve them continuing to see each other, just under my supervision.

KansasTherapist : The punishment can be that she no longer has your trust and not allowing them to go anywhere alone.
KansasTherapist : I think they would see each other and sneak around.
Customer:

I know that they will see each other at school and still could sneak to his place or wherevrer

KansasTherapist : What if you told her she needs to come home with her sisters after school.
Customer:

She could still sneak over at lunch, and usually comes home on the bus.

KansasTherapist : Does the school let them leave?
KansasTherapist : You can't make it impossible, but you can make it less easy. And at the same time shownyou're disapproval by being less flexible.
KansasTherapist : How do you think your husband will react?
Customer:

I just happened to speak a little with my daughter and inform her that i wouldn't be driving her to his place, but that he could come here and I explained that in that way she would understand better that i didn't approve. She blew up in my face, got angry and said she doesn't even know why she told me as I don't trust her anymore...this is true. I also told her that I wanted her boyfriend to tell his parents and if he didn't then I would. She got upset again and said that it would be over then. I explained that if they were worried about that then they realized that what they were doing was wrong. I asked her how she felt and what motivated her. She asked me if I was trying to make her feel bad about it and she claims that she does not regret it. I asked her if her religion meant nothing to her and she said she didn't even know what she was...Christian Catholic nor what it even means. Sigh...

Customer:

I am not sure how my husband will react, but I think he would agree that the could come here perhaps and that definitely she could not go there.

KansasTherapist : It's okay that she threw a fit. I think it means she's getting the message.
Customer:

She asked me why I didn't tell her all this stuff when she first told me and I told her that there were so many things going on in my head that I barely knew what to say nor what to begin with. I was always conscious of her depression and wanting to be so careful with how I reacted as I still want her to be able to confide in me. I am afraid that after this little conversation she will no longer confined in me...it has been like pulling teeth with her since she was little.

KansasTherapist : That is always the balancing act when kids admit to you they did something wrong. There are still consequences even if they confess.
Customer:

It is difficult not to say too much...and to wait and let them tell you...what they want to tell you....and hmmm and hmm at the appropriate moments without passing judgement.

KansasTherapist : Yes, I agree. You have to bite you tongue.
Customer:

I did tell her that I need to continue discussing this with her as it is my role as a parent and I don't want her to just think that everything is ok. I know a psychic who is really very good. Danielle has been to see her before as I took her when she was suffering from depression and this lady talks to the angels and I wanted her to here positive things about herself from the angels. She really is very good. As a matter of fact, earlier this year, she did warn me to not my younger daughter Danielle, alone with her upcoming boyfriend...and I guess she was right...well...I couldn't prevent it apparently.

Customer:

Danielle has asked me if I would take her to see her again. Perhaps she can help her to make a decision about what to do about this boyfriend...

KansasTherapist : If Danielle will listen that would be great.
Customer:

That is what I thought. It can't hurt.

KansasTherapist : It's interesting she could foresee a problem with the boyfriend.
Customer:

During our most recent discussion, I reminded Danielle of a friend of hers (boy) who had sex with a girl in a bathroom, and that she was telling me how disgusted with him and that she had even said that she had lost a lot of respect for him. I asked her if she felt that way about herself and of course she got mad at me and said that it was different with her as she doesn't drink and that she was not drunk and that it want like that.

Customer:

wasn't like that.

Customer:

I told her that I didn't see it as too much different as she was treating herself as not special enough to save for the man she was to marry.

KansasTherapist : I doubt she feels it was as different as all that. I think she's going to have a hard time when they break up.
Customer:

I totally agree that she is going to have a hard time when they break up. Sarah, the psychic said that he would break her heart. but what can you do..they have to go through it...that is life???

KansasTherapist : It's true. I worry about the same thing with my son. He's almost 17 and he's been with His first serious girlfriend for over a year. I think he's going to be heart broken one day.
Customer:

So what do you suggest is the best way to help them not to be too sad once it happens? Just get on with life, keeping them busy and involved. Inviting them places, spending time with them doing things we know they like, until they get back on track. Dear God, give us strength!

KansasTherapist : All of those things are good, but they will still hurt, and we can fix that.
KansasTherapist : Can't fix that
Customer:

True enough. So...I will stick to my guns and continue showing her that I don't approve of what they are doing. I will tell them that I know I can't stop them from doing it behind my back, but that when they are in my presence, they will behave appropriately. My oldest daughter wonders if they do anything together other than have sex. Danielle always tells me that they watch movies at his place or that a friend of his comes over and they play video games together, or go for walks...but now I am wondering which part of the story is true.

Customer:

How can she win my trust again...

KansasTherapist : Maybe when she's 40 you can ask her. Lol
KansasTherapist : She needs to grow up and act appropriately.
KansasTherapist : You'll see that and know you can trust her.
Customer:

Hahaha! I'm sure she will tell me more stories than I want to know. I know I have my fair share from when I waswhne I was younger.

KansasTherapist : Yes, we all do things when we are young we don't want to admit to.
Customer:

Time for rest. Thank you for your help and your kind words. Take care.

KansasTherapist : Your welcome. If you click Accept, I'll get paid.
Customer:

Done!

KansasTherapist : Thanks
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Parenting
Satisfied Customers: 565
Experience: 17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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